Wednesday, January 12, 2011

rabid beasts

The other day, my friend Krissy told me that it seems like all the women of the world are syncing up their periods right now. I think she's right too. Ladies, by a raise of hands, who is about to start, is currently on, or just finishing their periods? That's what I thought.

Men should just hide now. It's for their own good.

I started my period Monday. So on Saturday, I found myself very much PMSing. Now, I'd had a very good, girly day with my new friend Sonja. She's awesome, bee tee dubs, and I'm sure I'll talk about her much more. But between the whole celibacy thing and PMS, I felt like if a man touched me I might just maim and dismember him.

So it's interesting that at karaoke on Saturday night, I kept getting accosted and literally and physically molested by more than a couple men.

I don't know if guys can smell the pheromones and turn into rabid beasts or if they're just that douchey, but it was out of control. Now, I'm used to getting flirted with. I also put up with a lot less than I did when I was, say, 21, but I've never liked being hit on. Never. We all know how much I detest getting hit on, but I typically get one guy making a move on a night out.

Never have I felt so hunted than I did on Saturday. I felt like a lone Wildebeest who had wandered into a pride of lions. It was incessant.

One guy asked me to dance, which I accepted politely, and then he proceeded to place his hands all over my body which I kept asking him not to as I dodged his penis being thrust into my hips. When I told him I wasn't interested and I was celibate, he said, "I'm celibate too!" Horseshit. Not getting any and being celibate are entirely different things. 

Another guy grabbed my ass as I walked up to sing. After I was done, I told him, "don't grab my ass again." He said, "It wasn't me!" I said, "Do I look stupid? I never thought I looked stupid, but maybe I do."

Another guy asked me to dance and then proceeded to pick me up. Literally. I screamed at him to put me down and then he threw me around, his version of dancing I suppose, and just about pulled my arm out of its socket. I stopped and he went to push the hair out of my face. I backed up and said, "Don't touch my face." He goes, "Are you scared?" Um, what the fuck?

That's weird, right? Touching some girl's face? That's a really intimate act, if you ask me.

And these guys were untiring hunters. If one of us turned them down, they moved right on to the next one. Sex sex sex sex sex.

I have a tiny secret to let you in on, boyos: if you didn't act like assholes, if you would back off and not molest us and treat us with a little respect, we might have sex with you. Well, I won't because I'm celibate right now, but that's how I generally feel. Most girls I know feel the same way.

Look, you want a hooker, hire a fucking hooker.

But I have never experienced such primal hunting. At first, Sonja thought I was just that pretty, that the dudes here in Portland aren't used to a pretty girl.

Well with all due respect to my lovely friend, that's just not right. I get that I'm pretty. But I've seen many pretty gals here in the land of port. I'm not exactly Claudia Schiffer wandering into an Eskimo village.

But even if I was that unusually pretty, which I highly doubt, no way should men just go mad and turn into rabid beasts at the sight of me. Yeah right. No way. That's just bizarre at best.

So that left us thinking it was just the location. Maybe something about that crowd and maybe the cold weather and whatever is in the beer at our fave little karaoke bar turned the guys into horny sex werewolves.

But whatever the reason, it's not okay, guys! NOT OKAY! You don't get to assault women. You're not a fucking caveman. You might be as stupid as one, but knocking a gal over the head and dragging her back to your cave will land you some jail time. And rightfully so.

Back the fuck off. Talk to us nicely. Ask us our names. Remember our names. Try your best to be smart and interesting. And for the love of all things legal, do not fucking touch us unless we indicate it's okay to do so!

You'd think it wouldn't be so hard.

Yet Saturday night found me utterly exhausted from fending off the animals and rubbing my sore shoulder from my "dancing" experience.

And then they wonder why I'm celibate. THIS is why.

Can't a girl just go sing on a Saturday night without having to bring her mace and rape whistle? Fuck.

30 comments mean you love me:

Jen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

D!ckwads. I'm NOT celibate and that sounds AWFUL. Because I would even WANT genital to genital relations with someone that thrust his penis at me? Ooooo zexy!

Men.are.animals. "haha...look....I have a weiner....haha"

The Changeling said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I had a friend in high school who claimed he could smell when women were on their periods. Of course, he was highly sexualized (a nice way of saying he was a crotch driven sex fiend), so maybe there's a relationship between the two. In any case, this was very entertaining.

Moooooog35 said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You lost me at 'periods.'

Quickly. Seriously..I don't think I've ever run so fast.

Brandy Rose said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You touch my face and I'm poking both your eyes out! Ugh!

Oilfield Trash said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I don't hit on women in bars because of that. So I prefer to hit on women in church where their guard is down. lol

amydpp said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

::hand raised::

Ella said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

AMEN.

The guys around here now stand on the wall and watch all the girls dance until they spot one they deem 'touchable' and then they pounce. its disgusting and has convinced me to never go dancing ever again.

Way to ruin it for us guys. WAY TO GO.

christy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm pretty sure that men do turn into rabid beasts if there is a girl around on her period. I wait tables and, really, sometimes it might just be best to take the pay cut and stay in for a week. Haha.

Alliegresham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jen- right? serious.

changling- thanks! I've had guy friends who claim that too. it's just weird.

Moooooog- I'm always surprised any men read this blog at all with my talking about periods and babies and vibrators.

Brandy- I SHOULD have poked his eyes out! yes!

OT- good thing for me I never go to church.

amy- are your hands raised in confusion?

ella- it's like they're just that stupid.

christy- that must have been it. only I hadn't even started yet. beasts.

allie- thanks, woman!

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hahaha this made me laugh! The guys really picked a bad time for hitting on you (very bad "hitting" techniques). Have to agree though, being grabbed or touched by a stranger does not sit well with me either. And I totally agree with the face touching... it is incredibly intimate... it even still annoys me a tiny bit when my fella does it (after 10 years together). I am weird... I know.

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"Not getting any and being celibate are entirely different things."

BaHahahaha

Yeah, I think there must have been something in the air. I didn't have as many issues with the whole grabby grabby thing, but Saturday night I had three guys kind of fighting over me (in a nonviolent way). I was weirded out as well.

Anyways, if you are counting people who are about to start their period, are on their period or just stopped their period, that could be up to 3/4 of the female population of reproductive age (IMHO) as I kind of count each of those groups of time as a full week... but maybe that's just me?

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Nush- I don't mind the face thing if I'm WITH someone. but dude, I don't know you. don't touch me. love ya!

Jackie- amIright? all these women on their periods must turn these guys crazy.

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Too bad I wasn't there with you, I remember some pretty good "don't fuck with us" moments. Oh the Rocks club...hee!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

woman, you would have loved this! I needed you as backup.

Michele said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm on my period right now and I think I'd punch someone if I went dancing right now. Maybe you should try to dance badly so they'll stay away. Who am I kidding...that would just draw the A-holes closer. They'd think you were easy :)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

dude, nothing works on these guys. I should also mention that I was just sitting and chatting each time I was asked to dance. I didn't incite anything. ugg.

though it might be impossible for me to dance badly. ;)

TheTraveler said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I will say that it seems not much has changed since the caveman days, except clothing and verbage.

Single was always a challenge for me because sex appeal and 'fuck off' don't go together well. I have had many a caveman inform me, (after I have tossed their club to the floor and whipped them in the face with my hair) that clearly I must a lesbian.

Clearly. Why else would I go to such great lengths to fend off their manly advances...ding! Lesbian!

It is a shame that many a man has yet to figure out, how to appropriately go about the business of flirting and courting a woman they wish to dance/talk/have sex with. If they did, there'd be a heck of a lot more of them getting a hell of a lot more sex.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

right? you'd think evolution would have helped these lugs out by now. but no, they're still stupid. and OF COURSE you must be a lesbian if you don't find their asinine advances welcome. of course. the problem can't be theirs.

ew.

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I feel as if I were assaulted, just from reading this account of your terrible night. This proves once again that sometimes it's best to just stay home with your cats, who are far more civilized than those rabid beasts you encountered.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

dude, tell me about it. if I didn't love karaoke so much, I'd never leave the house.

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

1, yes, i am also bleeding.
2. i would have physically assaulted half of those morons. i don't know how you have the restraint!!!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

hah! right? I chose to assault them verbally. of course they were too stupid to get it.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm going to go thank Hubby right now for marrying me. I do NOT miss that scene AT ALL!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

go thank him profusely

Jen O. said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ugh. I've perfected "stink eye" which renders me completely undesirable to men, no matter how good I look. I developed it after I got married so I wouldn't have to put up with that crap anymore. Sometimes I accidentally use it with my husband, though.

jerrod said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"I'm celibate too!"

Classic line.

And now with this being a good consensus of what girls are having to deal with night in night out.. it just doesn't bode well for the nice ones.

awesome.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jen- my stink eye worked in CA, not here. I have to work harder I guess.

jerrod- right? how do we weed through all the asses and asses in disguise to find the nice guy?

guilty squid- tell me about it!

jerrod said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

well, you stop being wooed and impressed with the bad guys. :)

you see that guy not saying much while the dickhead in front of you is explaining how much he makes while he flexes and takes a peek at some other girls chest? pick that guy. he's awesome.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

lately? even that guy turns out to be an ass. I never pick the overt ass. never impressed with the bravado. I LIKE the shy, funny, smart guy. but they treat me like shit too. this is why I'm taking a break.

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