Blogging, Imperfection, and the Air of Authority

I've been blogging quite a long time now. I think I'm coming up on my 5 year anniversary too. And it's a funny thing, the blog. This is my place to rant and rave and share my opinions, opinions I might not say to the rest of the world. Well, kind of. I think nobody would believe I'm quiet or shy or anything.

That would just be unbelievable. But I do keep my mouth shut about plenty of things in certain situations, like work or in certain company. It's about knowing your audience.

I've always treated my audience here on the blog as my personal sounding board, as my friends and therapists, as it were. So you guys see only this one side of me. You hear my innermost thoughts and fears and annoyances and pains.

And, believe it or not, I also edit myself here in some ways. I hardly ever write about work, except incidentally, and I never use it to air my grievances about my boyfriend. To be fair, I have very few grievances with Eminem; we hardly ever bicker or fight. But I have had bad relationships in the past and it's been hard for me.

With my ex before Eminem, I went through a period where I stopped writing because all I wanted to write about was how unhappy I was, but felt I couldn't because that wouldn't be fair to attack him on my blog. I felt that would be passive aggressive. I still think I was right to not write about him inside the relationship, because I can now say I held fast to that rule, regardless of how he treated me. Not to say I didn't blog about him later, however.

I say all this because it bears noting that because this is MY domain, my world that I've created and have dominion over (oh the POWER! MWAHAHAHAHA), it creates an air of authority that just can't be helped. Not that I think you all think I know everything about everything, but that it probably seems like I think I know everything about everything.

Which is just not the case.

And suuuure, I can be an insufferable knowitall. I can be the teacher's pet and delight at knowing all the answers. Can't help it. But I know that I'm not the foremost authority on life. I just write here because I'm figuring it out just like everyone else.

This isn't a publication. I'm not a journalist. This is a blog.

I am well aware that these are my personal opinions and thoughts and that, because no one writes here but me, no one gets to dispute those.

Kind of!

There is a comments section. Huzzah!

So someone left me an anonymous comment on the post about being mean I wrote a couple weeks ago. And forgive me for not quoting it exactly, but I'm just that lazy. It said something like, that's kind of hypocritical based on what I know of you and what I've read here. Or something to that effect. Please feel free to correct my lazy ass.

And, setting aside that I think anonymous comments are bullshit (just type your name. I do.), I get it! I totally get it. I can see how someone would think that. I guarantee that a lot of bloggers get similar reactions.

This could also be an ex friend who is still pissed at me for something. That could very well be, too. Ahhh what are you gonna do?

But in the instance that this is just a reader, I say, you got it, dude. We are all a little hypocritical in some areas. Because I rant and rave about things that piss me off here and then I rant about how I hate when people are mean, I'm going to seem hypcritical.

In the context of that particular blog post, however, in my defense, what I say on my blog and how I treat those I love are two different things. I do not criticize my friends and loved ones for the stupid shit and rarely for the big shit either. I can actually be kind of a doormat. I think my job is to be supportive. And I'll say again, I never write bad things about my personal friends and family on my blog. I just won't use it as a tool to hurt those I love. I won't.

I have an ex friend (I will not disclose the details of our breakup) who constantly thought I picked on her through my blog. I didn't then and I don't now. And if something I write about offends you personally, it's not my intention; it's incidental that what bothers me might be personal to you. And I apologize for that, but thus is the nature of blogging. I think that bloggers need to have some freedom to express their feelings and opinions otherwise we'd just stop blogging.

And I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. I don't think I'm perfect and I don't want to be perfect. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing about what I feel. It's my outlet, my art, my place to vent.

 So I won't apologize for that.

I'm just me! Flaws and all, writing about all my flaws and feelings so that others can connect and we can share our stories.

Thus is the power of writing.

Something about working and mothers and inclusiveness

Today's topic has been on mind my for quite a while and I've just been trying to find a quiet moment to write, which has been difficult because I started a new job (yayayayay!) and because there's been just plain ol' social business going on. Which a gal really can't complain about! Social life is bueno.

So, as fate would have it, the first time I have time to write happens to be my least favorite day of the year: Mother's Day. Oh joy. Oh bliss. Long time readers know that I have a hard time on Mother's Day because of my own crazy mom and it's just impossible to escape the day in any possible way, whether you're inside and online and creep onto Facebook and see the thousands of posts celebrating moms or you go out in the world and see the perfect, happy families and want to stab yourself in the eye with a #1 Mom Zales pendant. 

Not that it's wrong for these happy people to celebrate. I'm sure their mothers were awesome and told them they were wonderful and didn't beat them with random household objects. It's just hard for me to watch. 

But at least I have my furbaby. 

But this post isn't about Mother's Day. I just want to share my state of mind as sort of an apology that I might be in the teensiest of shitty moods today and so this post might sound slightly more bitter than it should. It's really not my intention.

What I've been thinking about lately is work and womanhood and motherhood and non-motherhood and working conditions, blah blah blah you get the picture. This kind of thing is always in the media, but especially now with the whole Lean In broohaha, which I haven't read yet but I am really interesting in reading and is not, actually, the subject of today's post. 

But it is why everyone is talking about women at work and the age old question of women having it all and work-life balance. 

My biggest issues with this discussion is that it's very narrow. It usually centers on one kind of woman (and no men): mothers. Can she have it all? Meaning a career, marriage, and children. And maybe that discussion IS material to that working mom! I'm not saying it's irrelevant; I'm saying it's narrow.

Setting aside statistics of people in the workplace (because I just don't have those and this isn't exactly an in-depth journalistic piece), my instincts say that that leaves out 3 other groups of working people: working fathers and working men and women who aren't parents. And let's not forget non-working moms. 

Which seems unfair to me. 

For one, it implies that work-life balance is only important for working mothers, as if those without children don't have important and busy lives to balance. As if, since we don't have diapers and baths to get home to, we clearly don't need flex time or reasonable hours. Sure, we have nothing better to do! Work is our children! 

Please. 

I certainly experienced that in retail (which, admittedly, is a crazy different world). If you were single or didn't have children, you were expected to work every holiday and work longer hours. Because there is understanding for the mom who needs to pick up her child from daycare, but not for the single girl who has to feed her dog. 

And, in my 14 some odd working years (which isn't that many), I've worked in several types of environments, from women's retail (all women and maybe some gay men) to more co-ed environments and even one place where I was the only gal. And I think it's the same with fathers. 

I concede that historically men haven't been as involved with their families. At least that's what Mad Men tells me (kidding!). But I've worked in places where men were very dedicated to their families and struggled with the balance as much as the mothers, men who left early for Trick or Treating or who brought their kids to the office because there was a mixup with the babysitter or because school got out early. 

This is the modern world after all and I think this is just as big of an issue for fathers as for mothers anymore, so leaving them out of the conversation is just not smart.  And the non-parents still pick up the slack, regardless of gender.

That said, women still make less than men and plenty of workplaces still give mothers and potential mothers a hard time or lack of flexibility. That's a huge issue in our culture. 

And I'm in awe of the working mothers who pull it off. I work with more than a few amazing women right now and I'm not sure how they do it. More power to them! I barely balance a life with work and a cat and a boyfriend and a blog and photography. I barely get my laundry done, so I have no concept how they do too. It's impressive, to be sure.

I'm not saying that conversation isn't important; I'm saying the dialogue is all wrong. 

I don't think the focus should be on having it all. The focus should be on quality of life.

I truly believe that feminism is about choice. It's not about women ruling the world or setting new rules of female patriarchy. It's about choice! Opening up choice to whatever makes your quality of life good. Maybe that's a one income family and a mom who stays home. Maybe that's two working parents with kids and a juggling act. Maybe that's a married couple with a cat and a dog and a big travel fund. Maybe that's a single woman who works and volunteers and paints on the weekend. 

So if we're opening up choice shouldn't we open up the dialogue about quality of life and work-life balance to include more than just mothers? Shouldn't we talk about flex hours for all employees and perks that work like an a la carte menu? Maybe one employee would like in-house daycare, but maybe another would appreciate paid meals or Fridays off. 

Maybe out culture could totally use an overhaul on what is important in life. We have to support ourselves, but is anyone really happy working 80 hour weeks with no time for self or friends or family or food or art or travel? I don't think so. 

Do you agree? Should we all be focusing on quality of life? Or do I have it wrong? Tell me! The most important thing is to talk about it. 

Old Emails and the Meaning of Life. Or Something.

Last night, I spent much too much time going through and deleting old emails which were just clogging all the space on my computer. 

And there were a literal metric fuckton of emails in there and it's amazing how, in the process, I was shoved right back in time. Each one a memory. 

Emails from friends come and gone, fellow bloggers, fellow writers, old bosses and editors, name changes and email changes and life changes. Guest blogs and favors and advice.  Emails of support when my cat was dying or I had a stalker or a crazy roommate or a new job. Work emails and Etsy emails and receipts. Long chains of laughter and ridiculousness from the many writers come and gone from Sprocket. 

I can't believe so much happened in just a few short years, all right there, like a stack of dusty old letters. 

But, of course, they're not letters; they're emails. And like anything else one hoards, they take up space.

I might be a bit of an email hoarder. I hoard anything electronic really. I don't hoard physical things, mostly because my mom is a real life hoarder and I'm not exaggerating the teensiest little bit about that. Real. Life. Hoarder. But electronic docs and pictures and emails? Yeah, I hang on to those. I guess I'm afraid of deleting and, while I do back up, really do I need to keep every single one? Will someone ask me who I was emailing about that blog post I wrote about vaginas back into 2009? If they do, they've got too much time on their hands, I tell you what.

Deleting them all was liberating in both the physical and literal sense. I freed up space on my mac, of course, but it also felt like letting go of the past while also understanding it. Walking down memory lane was fun and it's great to have a reminder of the path I've followed, but ultimately, I don't need to rehash every word, every memory, every event. 

When I was much younger, I kept letters (people did use to write real letters, kids!) and photos and mementos from my boyfriends. I had shoeboxes of these useless things that I kept in my closet. Why? I couldn't tell you. But, in 2006, when I ended the most destructive relationship I'd had in my young life, I threw all those boxes away. Every single one. Because I still had my memories and holding on to that junk was holding me back too. 

Last night felt very similar. 

And also, it got me thinking about my path and where I am today and where I've been. Yeah yeah, existentialism and yadda yadda yadda. I don't believe in preordained paths or destiny or fate. I don't. I think that we're like moths, seemingly haphazard in the energy of the world, pulling towards what attracts us and repelling from what scares us. My path certainly looks moth-like. 

It may seem haphazard, but it's had purpose and each choice was deliberate. And what wasn't choice? My reaction to it has had meaning and significance. It's easy to say that life has just happened to me, which, in a sense, it has, but what I do with what happens is worth something, thinking about, discussing, learning from.

As you know, this time in my life is a little crazy. I'm going through some major changes and every day takes decisions. 

But, for some odd ass reason, I'm not really scared. And I think that's because I'm in the driver's seat. I get to choose what's next. Maybe I'll do something wonderful or maybe I'll fuck it all up. But the decision is mine!

I watched TED talk recently about the fallacy of choice and, while I usually love TED talks, this one I didn't entirely agree with. He made great points, but I think choice is the biggest thing a person can have. It may not bring you more happiness, sure, but if it's your choice, who cares? It's your life to fuck up or improve or enjoy as is! It's yours alone.

And yes, there are hindrances like class and race and bigotry, etc., that hold us back from agency; I know that all too well. That's a post for another day. I'm talking about being empowered by choice, losing fear because of choice. I was so scared and miserable when I felt trapped in a situation I didn't want to be in. It was a horrible feeling. I gained weight, I stopped sleeping, and I just felt awful all the time. 

And now? I don't have much money. And I don't know what will happen next. And I'm working my butt off to figure that out. But at least it'l be my decision. And THAT! is a great feeling, my friends. 

Photo of the Day: Hat on Mount Hood

Some days I’m so happy I live in Oregon.

Photo of the Day: Rainy Days

Today I am sick in bed so I’m sharing a shot with you I took last fall. Fall in Portland is pretty much like Spring in Portland: rainy. Only you get slightly different colors. Click here for more rainy day photos. 

Photo of the Day: Shades of Wheat and Gold

I've decided, in what might be an all too ambitious plan, to start Photo of the Day back up over here on the blog with coordinated posts over at Double A Photography. That's the plan anyway! Enjoy! Click here for more.

Cruel to be kind?

Today's post isn't an update about my life and, I have to say, it does feel good to have the time to write about stuff other than update posts. I like keeping you internet friends up to date on my life, but I really love pontificating, rambling along about my opinions and ideas and thoughts. 

This is something that continues to bother me year after year, and it must bother the rest of the world too or we wouldn't see piles of books written about the benefits or detriments of either side. I'm talking about tough love versus nice (?) love, negative versus positive reinforcement. 

Maybe it's because I've lately been obsessed with that teen show Awkward (thanks, Lori) or because I see it on my facebook all the time in the vein of, "I don't care if it makes me a bitch. If you're acting stupid, I'll tell you! I'm not mean; I'm honest..." etc. etc. etc. 

But I think that's total bullshit. 

Parenting is one thing and I'll get to that in a sec, even though I'm not a parent, though I am a daughter and so I do have an opinion. But it kills me that this is still an issue between friends, lovers too, but that's something else. I've said this before, but I've always thought that good friends are made of people who accept each other no matter what. Sure, some behaviors are unacceptable in a friendship, but I tend to think that unless you're doing something really bad (like sleeping with the friend's spouse or shooting heroine or something), you just let that little shit go. 

It's not our jobs as friends to shape each other and make another person behave how we want them to be. If you don't like how a person is, don't befriend them. Simple as that. 

My best friends challenge me as a person, sure, and are honest when I ask their opinions, but they're never, ever mean to me. That's not why we're friends. We're friends because we love and support each other and part of that includes letting each other make our own mistakes and still being there when we fall. That's how it works. 

I tend to think the whole truth hurts method doesn't work anyway. I don't think people respond to being talked down to. I certainly don't. My whole life my mother told me what I did wrong, told me I wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or talented enough. And did that make me work harder? No. Well, it made me try harder to get her approval (which was unattainable), but not in the ways you'd think. In the ways she beat it into me that I was a failure, I just gave up after a while. What was the point? When I never had any success? 

I could recount for you a million stories just like that, my ballet teacher, several different boyfriends, a couple of teachers and bosses, all people who treated others with meanness and harsh criticism sans any kindness or praise. And the results were the same. I failed or struggled or shut down. 

And the people I consider my mentors? They pushed me to improve, of course, but they encouraged me along the way and praised me when I did well and celebrated my successes and saw my setbacks as ways to do better. And I flourished. 

It goes without saying that Eminem is kind and supportive and I think part of why we have worked so well thus far is because we let ourselves be who we are. We're not trying to fit each other into what we want; we coexist. And sure, when we have disagreements, we work it out, but we're not trying to change each other. That's new for me. 

I think a little kindness and tact go a long way! I don't care if it's your child or best friend or husband, there's no reason to be mean. I don't care if you think I'm acting stupid or going to fail or get hurt, that's my mistakes and failures to make and your lack of kindness or understanding isn't helping anything. 

I know being mean is chic right now. Hell, I make jokes about stupid people alllllll the damn time. They're funny. And I'm all about funny. But in practice? Meanness is just meanness. It isn't funny. Let's just be nice to each other! I don't understand why that's so hard. And not just strangers- the feelings of the people closest to us should matter most of all. 

So be nice already. 

*steps off soap box*