Saturday, May 15, 2010

Public Service Announcement

Baby talk. Women who talk the baby talk to their boyfriends and husbands make me die a little inside. Every time I hear a woman make goo goo sounds to a grown man I want to slap her so hard her botox squirts out. But that scares me that the back splash might hit me and freeze my face. Which is...you know,,,terrifying. The kind of thing that happens in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

"I ca moo ma fae. Is fro-en. Hel me." 

"Well, you shouldn't have struck that alien pincushion. Everyone knows that's dangerous. What were you thinking?"

"I couln stan da ba-ay tal!"

Ladies, why are you making the baby talk? WHY? It's heinous. It is. You should not be talking baby talk with a grown ass man. Why? Because he is a grown ass man and he deserves to be spoken to like a grown ass man. (Is ass man starting to sound funny to anyone else?)

Look, I get the temptation. Maybe you want an infant (fuck, do I know) and your man seems to fill some of that space in your life. But I have news for you: THAT IS WRONG. Wrong. He is not your infant. No. No he is not.

If you really and truly must make the baby talk, get a pet. The more cute and cuddly the better. Might I suggest a hedgehog?


Or a bunny?


Or perhaps a pile of puppies and kittens?


Your boyfriend needs to be spared the baby talk. Trust me. Even if he acts like he likes it, I guarantee you he does not. He is LYING. 

It is no longer acceptable to call him pookie or snookums or cuddlebear. He is NOT a cuddlebear. He is your boyfriend. THIS is a cuddlebear:

No. Wait. No, that's not a cuddlebear either. No that is a very angry real live bear. Who wants to eat you. He's angry because you made the baby talk.

Don't squinch your face up and make googely eyes. And for the love of god don't pinch his fucking cheeks (unless we're talking ass cheeks, then by all means, squeeze away). 


Let's review. 


Baby:

Grown ass fine man:

Baby:

Grown half naked man:

Baby (dressed as a flamingo):

Grown man:

(Okay, that last one was a trick question, but that was to make sure you were paying attention.)

I think we're done here. I think I made my point. Men, you're welcome. Women, consider yourselves warned. 

4 comments mean you love me:

Strange_Bundle said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

If it's all the time, that's when it scares me. It makes me wonder if they talk like that to everyone. Like going to get a driver's license renewal or ordering a burger.

And if you're hearing it, they're doing that in public, and it's damned embarrassing there. Hell, even if the dude's in a diaper I think it's messed up.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Totally! Do women really have that little consideration for the dignity of the men in their lives? Is this an attempt to castrate them into submission? It's so sad. Ooh, let's start a charity foundation against the baby talk emasculation of men!

polytropos said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

There's no worst feeling (okay... maybe a little exaggeration) than going on a 2nd or 3rd date and then hearing that voice be used in a non-ironic setting. It's like suddenly seeing the iceberg *right* in front of the ship.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Baby talk right ahead!

(the horror)

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