A Wish List

Would you believe it? My birthday is in less than a month. I mean, honestly, how does that happen?

I have been enjoying 30 and then suddenly 31 is upon me.

However, as little time as I have left being 30, you have just as little time to all buy me gifts. Just kidding. Or am I?

Anyways, here's my lists of crap I'd want if there were such a thing as a birthday fairy (don't pretend like you won't want a birthday fairy!). All the photos link to the product pages.
 

Vulvalicious pillow

I have wanted this pillow since I discovered it last year. It's deliciously awesome. Plus with all Hot Pants' cocks (long story), I feel like I need more vaginas around. I mean, can you ever really have enough vagina? No. The answer is no. 

Frida Kahlo Uterus

"Complete with uni-brow and an unyielding creative presence Frida proves that a woman doesn't need to pro-create to be fertile. Modeled after the feminist icon and artist Frida Kahlo: this plush features a braided floral hair-do, full and serious lips, her signature uni brow, large colorful earrings, two golden necklaces and a Spanish style skirt. This plush is made of soft vegan fleece and she measures about 11 1/2" from fallopian tube to fallopian tube."

In other words? Awesome.

Recycled Tee Scarf

I can't decide if I just want this or I want to learn how to make it. Either way, maybe. Or both! Instructions on how to make it are at the link. 

Junk Mail Portraits

I want. I want. I want. So damn cool.

Lelo Mona

Because while Goldie is awesome, I'm hankering for someone new to keep my G spot company while Hot Pants works 5 thousand hours a week. Plus, her name is Mona. Mona! 

Ithaa Restaurant

I don't want this as much as I just want to eat here. Maybe for my birthday dinner. I kind of don't even care what kind of food they serve because THEY SERVE IT UNDERWATER! How fucking cool is THAT? And, oh yeah, it's in the Maldives, so not exactly convenient for a dinner trip.

Four Seasons Hotel, Bora Bora

Again, I don't want to own the hotel, just stay there. I mean, honestly, how utterly cool would that be?

Birthday fairy? Hello?

Welcome to Dirty Thirty, Bitter Betty!

Today is my bestie since 10th grade, my first partner in crime, Bitter Betty's (Krissy to me) 30th birthday.

That's right. It's the big 30 and I couldn't let it pass without getting you all to wish her a happy birthday with me.

I love this little lady to my bones and I hope her 30th birthday is the best ever!

So, my dear,

Welcome to the Dirty Thirties Club!

you say it's your birthday?

Today is my bestie, my roomie, my hetero life partner Lynette's birthday!

For serious.

I take such pleasure in knowing she's that much older than me.

And not only that, it's my little nephew E's (the son of one miss BittrBetty) 3rd birthday. THREE! How the hell did that happen? I'm pretty sure I was at the hospital holding his squishy little body just a couple months ago. Three. That's bullshit.

So to E and Lynnette:

Happy Birthday!

30, Dirty, and Flirty

Here's a quick recap of my 30th birthday:

What I woke up to find Saturday morning

also: my roommates are AWESOME!

Lynnette and I at Shakespeare in the Park in the afternoon

It was A Comedy of Errors

Not the best production I've ever seen (and I'm being kind, but I'm also very critical)

buuuut it was pretty fun

My first beer of the evening at Thai food for the birthday dinner

Good thing for the Surgeon General, I don't operate heavy machinery nor am I remotely pregnant

(how someone can be remotely pregnant I can only guess)

This blur is a love-in. hah! 

No, it's a reunion between me and the fabulous Morgan and Corey, two people who I love fiercely.

I hadn't seen them since I left California and I misssed them so fucking much!

I swear there are three of us in that blur

My birthday cupcakes baked for me by Lynnette

They were (are, we have SO MANY left over!) mint cookies & cream. YUM!

The candles say: Happy Dirty 30!

After le diner, I rocked the mic at karaoke. 

Awwwww yeah!

Happiness 

Thanks to Sexy Man for taking many of these photos. :D

Brilliant segue

I leave tomorrow for Kansas City for four days of freelance work. Therefore, I have decided that instead of getting guest bloggers (because when I do that, I want to spend time thinking of a good theme and asking all my loverly bloggy friends), I'm taking a blogcation!

I'll be available on the Twitter off and on (mostly off) and on the Facecrack. But I will not be logging into Blogger. 

I'm really excited for to take this time off. I love blogging and it truly makes me happy, but it often feels like a job (albeit a really cool job!) and a blogcation will force me to get away for a while. Everyone needs a vacay occasionally. It's just ironic that I'm taking my blogcation while I do actual work. 

Anyway, this weekend The Suniverse and I will be announcing the next Raw Photos contest subject so make sure to check in and start shooting away (hehe). 

ALSO: I have an important announcement! My cousin, the one who visited last week, is a brilliant artiste. She's really so talented. And she just started an Etsy page! She's got one painting up so far and more coming soon. So please go check out her work and spread the word. 

it's my party

Here it is, bleeps (stole that from a friend). 30. It's here. I am 30 today.

I'm feeling moved to write an existential post about my life journey and who I am today blah blah blah. But that's boring and I still haven't had my caffeine (it may be my birthday, but my body apparently doesn't know that). Like, I woke up with a headache today. What the crap is up with that? Is this a sign I'm old? And doesn't my head know it's supposed to be happy today? No? Lame.

Instead, things that have made me laugh this week:

Lynnette: "I can't find my chap stick. I guess I'll have to use lip gloss. But lip gloss is for fancy time!"

but of course it does

I discovered how to look up what search phrases drive people to my blog. My faves?

Nancy Botwin is a slut

This girl needs some chocolate

Preschool song "do what i'm doing, follow follow me"

My conclusion? We live in a strange world, my friend.

My tweeps wished me a happy birthday last night:

And thaaaaaat's how I likes it. 

freak somebody out and waste millions of dollars making a crap film about it

snort

kids these days

Also: go check out this post by Papoe: Thirty is most certainly dirty, and fabulous.

Random Thoughts of a Crazy Lady

As I was eating bacon pizza (seriously! bacon pizza!) with friends the other night, I was struck with a brilliant idea. People like strip clubs. People like bacon. What if I opened a strip club where the strippers are wearing bacon? Brilliant, right? And they could take off the pieces and throw them at the clients, like feeding bears. And since this is Portland, we could have veggie bacon for the vegans (Vegans want to watch the ladies get naked too). AND (thanks to John for this flash of genius) we could call the place: Bacon Strips. Right? Right? I am totally going to do this. I'll be rich! RICH! Mwahahaha!

My evil laugh makes me throat hurt.

You know what else makes me laugh? Squirrels. Like, I know they're basically rats with cute fluffy tails. Like they're all carriers of Ebola and SARS and shit, but they're also like little meth addicts. Squirrels are completely insane. Especially city squirrels. Or university campus squirrels. They must have access to all kinds of drugs because they're completely manic. There are squirrels everywhere here and they're all totally batshit insane.

Near where I used to work in sunny So Cal, there was this huge tree next to some steps. And this crazy squirrel would always chill on the steps, but he must have been blind or something. Because he'd wait until you got too close, like closer than you'd think is possible to get to a squirrel, and then freak out because you're TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE! And he'd kamikaze leap off the side of the steps into the air without even aiming for the tree or anything to land on. I watched him aim his leap wrong once and just fly head first into a higher step. That one looked painful. But I bet you that squirrel is still alive.

Because Ebola gives squirrels eternal life. Like jesus for rodents.

So I normally don't mind the sound of trains. I wrote about this once like a year ago. Normally the faint rumble and horn of a train helps me fall asleep. But my friendly neighborhood train is a little more enthusiastic than I can handle. He's just so excited to be a train. Honking his horn for maybe 10 minutes straight, announcing his train status to the world. I'M A TRAIN! I'M A TRAIN! I'M A TRAAAIIIIIIINNNNNN! Needless to say, it gets a little old. My roommate and I constantly find ourselves responding to the train, "We GET it! You're a train. Enough already. So you should announce it to the world?" Because I'm not crazy enough already.

Next Saturday is my birthday. One week from this jour, I'll be 30. Except, I already feel 30. I've always felt that way about birthdays. Why is your birthday a magic portal into a new age? At midnight, I'll magically feel 30? No way, dude. I've been 30 for a couple of months now.

But can I just say that I am excited for 30? I think I've said this before, but that's because it's true. I am excited for 30. At this stage in my life, I'm pursuing my bliss like never before. Really searching for the things that bring me happiness and doing what I can to avoid stress. And I can't wait to see what this decade will bring. Who I'll be. What I'll learn. I'm excited! Are you excited?

Keep your eyes peeled for the next Raw Photos contest! It will be coming up in a couple of weeks and we expect you to bring your best un-photoshopped photos.

And to round out my random thoughts for today, there's this*:

food for thought

*I found this online and have no idea who the artist is. But it's funny as shit and I'd like to see more. If you know who made this, please let me know, yo!