Thursday, January 6, 2011

On Celibacy

So, at this point, I think you all know how much my dating life has sucked hard. So hard. Harder than you'd think anything could suck.

I hope you've read all about The Asshole. If you've been around since the beginning, you've seen me go through 2 fairly traumatic breakups. I'm worn down. I'm done.

I just don't want to think about dating or the potential for dating or even sex with someone else.

As I was typing, I almost wrote, sex with another human being, but I think that made it seem like I'm willing to have sex with animals or extra terrestrials. But I am here to say that not only am I not willing to defile a sweet animal (or even one not so sweet) (I mean, fuck, I'm not in a fraternity or anything.) (just kidding. I know there are no sheep in hazing rituals.) (there aren't right? RIGHT?), but an alien is just crossing a line. Even a girl like me has to have standards.

Anywayyyyyyy, in an effort to regroup, I have decided to be celibate for 90 days. No dating. No kissing. No sex.

Of course my vibrators can stay. Of course.

Yours truly is currently celibate.

I am actually really excited about this. No more wondering when I'm going to meet someone nice. No more sifting through potential love interests. No more. At least for a while.

Instead, I am taking myself out of the game. Without worrying about dating, I can really focus on me. Figure out what it is I'm doing. Refocus what it is I want and who I am in the process.

Meet people without the scent of sex and dating tinging everything. Imagine that? Interactions sans any sort of sexual undertones. Friendship sans any of the judgments one makes in selecting potential mates.

I have to say, the amount of pressure lifted off of me already has been incredible! Truly relieving.

I know it's not the 18th century. I know women aren't property to be traded any longer (well, I think marriage is still about that and the slave trade is still alive), but it's not fucking Jane Austen any more. A woman of 25 isn't a burden on her parents. Isn't an old maid, doomed to a life of poverty or insanity or both. We've come a long way since 1965. Snort.

But hell if it doesn't sometimes feel like it. Hell if those cultural underpinings aren't still driving our society. Hell if isn't hard to be a single gal getting older every year (which, by the by, I enjoy doing. getting older that is) without any real prospect of love. Without ever having any success in the dating department.

I have said this before, but I am so fucking sick of the judgment. The assumption that there must be something wrong with me. I get this A LOT: You're single? But you're so pretty. As if being pretty has anything to do with cultivating a healthy relationship. As if this is 1857. Because if you're pretty and single, there must be something else fundamentally wrong.

Well fuck that.

I've heard concern for my "lifestyle." As if because I'm okay with just being me and make jokes about being an eternal cat lady, then I'm shunning love and connection.

But it's not that simple. Life never works out quite the way you plan when you're a teenager. As life goes on and things look differently than you'd anticipated, you make jokes. Being flexible with life is the only way to survive it.

What I'd like to see is more tolerance for the myriad life paths we find ourselves on.

I get this kind of thing all the time. I hear that I am not working hard enough to find love. To get a relationship. To make a family. My time is running out, you know. Every year will get harder and harder to find a decent man.

Well fuck that. Every year since I was 15 has been damn hard to find a decent man. And I am fucking sick of the constant questions about my relationship status. The constant efforts to make my life "right."

Don't get me wrong. I do want love. I do want a relationship. A family one day. But I want it to happen naturally and all this pressure isn't helping the process and isn't helping my psyche.

So I've relieved the pressure. Just for a finite amount of time. Where I can just live and be me and worry about my life without that ever-present reminder of that one deficiency in my life which everyone seems to find so goddamned important. Because of all that pressure, I begin to believe it. Begin to think there's something wrong with me because I'm single. Alone. Indefinitely.

Maybe I can remind the world (and myself) of my worth as a human being. A single woman alone in the world. I have many amazing qualities which, despite never being fully appreciated by a romantic partner, can be appreciated by many others and, of course, myself. I need to learn to appreciate myself again.

Wish me luck! I'll keep you all up to date with how it's going of course.

And hell, if I reach 90 days and really like it, maybe I'll just keep going.

22 comments mean you love me:

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I loved this post - you are a fabulous young woman in your own right without the need to be labelled by your relationship status. Good luck girl! and enjoy the liberation!

Kittie Flyn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I haven't dated in over 18 months. I'm perfectly fine not dating at this point. I felt a great amount of relief when I stopped dating.

Of course I'm 33 so I get a lot of comments and questions and snarky remarks about my non dating status. All of them are unsolicited of course.

I used to live in Portland and now live in Seattle. Something about dating in the NW is ...off. My single female counterparts don't have the same issues I do when it comes to dating.

Love the post.

Good luck!

Brandy Rose said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I understand. I'm 28 and had to start all over after a bad divorce.

Moooooog35 said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

But we can still masturbate to each other on Skype, right?

Wait. That's not you.

Never mind.

C said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Lady, you don't need luck. You'll be just fine. Been celibate for uumm 4 going on 5 months (although not necessarily but choice but that is ANOTHER story) and I gotta say, its not that bad. I got my trusty vibrator if I need some lovin'!

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The stupid questions will always be out there. First it is when will you meet someone, then it is, when will you get married or when will you have kids... Arrgghhh... go away!

I like you celibacy idea, sounds cool. As long as the vibrators stay as you said...as otherwise I would question your sanity. Some things cannot be ignored.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Anon- thankyouverymuch! :)

Kittie- it's weird right? they do say keep portland weird. oh well.

Brandy- that must have been hard. never been married though.

Moooooog- so I should look into Skype then?

C- exactly! :)

Nush- people make me crazy. so I take back the powa! hehe. <3

Alliegresham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You're awesome. And you will do great! I am proud of you!!!!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, lady! xoxo

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Good for you.

I was celibate for 9 months and it was fine. I cared less about it than most everyone else.

Stay true to yourself!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, my dear! I do my best. :)

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

In terms of others' comments on your life, I think EVERYONE hears this. One of my sister's married & had kids too young, the other, too old. One is too fat, the other is too skinny.

I think our world is soooo different now as young ladies. We don't have any role models cuz we're making shit up as we go along. All I'm saying is, regardless of what happens in your life, you have to take a breath and remember that you wake up and try to do your best. Sometimes you fall, sometimes we all do. You are a *good* person. You are beautiful. You are amazingly talented. You are incredibly intelligent. I get taken aback sometimes that you're single because if I had to rank single friends, you'd be at the top of the awesome list.

That's just my take on the whole people meddling or making you feel bad. I do it too sometimes (feel bad).

I actually got close, just about a month ago, to think about settling. You know? The guy wasn't ugly. He wasn't mean. He wasn't poor. He wasn't stupid. He was funny. I really actually thought about just going along in the relationship because he wasn't anything horrible.

I met someone who reminded me that settling is not worth it, and while that may not go anywhere, I hope that you remember that lesson as well. You are awesome. you have Amazing friends. You are living life. No apologies.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think you're absolutely right. everyone does hear these judgments. that's what kills me. and I almost settled like that. for a super nice guy that was a very good friend. but we weren't in love and we were on different paths. it's okay to make the right decision even when everyone else thinks it's wrong. :)

meleah rebeccah said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"I have decided to be celibate for 90 days. No dating. No kissing. No sex."

Oh that's a great idea!

I've been "done" with dating for over a year now. And, I've been sexually INACTIVE since July. And quite frankly, its been very liberating.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

yeah! and it's the purposeful celibacy that's so liberating I think. the option is just off the table. am I right? :)

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

So, I just thought of this. The one thing I liked about sort of settling was that it took me out of the game. I didn't think about other people and like you said, when I met people, it wasn't with any underlying thoughts of "hmmm, could this potentially be a thing?" And I think I had gotten to the point in dating (I'd been "on the market" for about a year and a half at that point, with some minor people mixed in there) where I was like, I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE, Anyone! So it was nice to feel that sense of urgency dissolve and really just get to focus on interacting with people, which is the BEST part of being single and living life. So I hope you find that, lady <3

Scott said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You can call your lover "dear," but you can't call a deer your lover!

My dating life is so bad, my parents wondered if I was afraid to tell them I was gay. As I said, "No, I'm not gay, I'm just..." I realized there was no true way to end the sentence that would ease their minds as much as if I'd just lied and said yes; "...too ugly"... "unlikeable"... "no self-confidence" ... "too self-deprecating"... Crap.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jackie- that is EXACTLY what I'm going for! <3

Scott- but sometimes we're just single because we're single. it's just life, not some fundamental flaw making us undesirable. I don't think so anyway.

Colleen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for the post; it mirrors my own feelings exactly. I'm one of the last of my group of friends to still be single, and I get so tired of hearing my friends give me "Advice" on how to get a guy. They don't ever stop and realize that I'm okay with being single - it never occurs to them. I think it's because there is still a strong drive in our society for women to "settle down." And if you're a woman and over 25 and single, there is something wrong with you. It's never circumstances, life, or choice: it's you that has the problem. My friends tell me that I'm intimidating, or that I don't wear enough makeup, etc. I say to hell with that. Why should I change myself for some as-of-yet-to-exist guy? And why is the problem always with me and not, say the guy? It takes two to make a relationship. I'm not broken, so don't try to fix me - especially with some guy. Not yet. I have my own goals and I want to meet them while I have the time to do so. Yes, I want to get married some day and maybe have some kids. But not just yet.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Colleen, yes! absolutely. and for me? I'm so ready for those things, but it just hasn't happened. doesn't mean I'm deficient in some way. just means life works out differently sometimes.

<3

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I was celibate for a year after a breakup a few years ago, and it was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself. I traveled, strengthened friendships, lost weight. And let me tell you, my cats *loved* that I was home to snuggle with them every night. So you're doing something beneficial for you *and* your cats. Win-win.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

yeah I'm really excited about it! the cats totes are too. they love it when I'm home. :)

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