In fact, it was such an easy breakup that now I'm wondering if we broke up at all. If I imagined that, I'm sorry, Fella! Tell me that's what happened.
Anyway, we were a pretty bad match. Our personalities just did not mesh and thinking back, I'm hard pressed to find anything we have in common. Not that you need everything in common in a relationship, but shouldn't you have something?
Well, we both felt that and I think we're both relieved, because it kind of felt forced there for a bit.
But I have to wonder, at what point does one start settling for someone totally wrong for them just because he's a nice guy or is a good potential mate on paper? 10 years ago, I never would have even gotten this far, but the older I get, the more I want to give someone a chance. Is that desperation? Or just a sign that the pool of good guys is dwindling?
Is it too much to want someone who suits me completely? Or what qualities will I begin to compromise on the older I get?
The thing is...I like being alone though. I'm independant as hell and I like me and enjoy the pleasure of my own company. I've never been one to settle for the sake of being in a relationship because why waste my time? Not to say that I haven't slept with people that weren't relationship material. THAT'S something else entirely. But I won't dedicate my time to a relationship that's not going to suit me. Why should I?
It's not 1850. I don't have to get married. Instead, I want a relationship because I want love and intimacy and connection with someone special. And as my friend Lori helped me figure out, I want to look up to a man, admire him, feel safe, but not weak and needy.
But I also recognize that I want to be a mother one day (like yesterday) and that is unlikely to happen alone (why helloooo, Turkey Baster) and parenthood is damn hard alone (as you single moms tell me). So I wonder if there will come a point that I lower my expectations just for the sake of becoming a mother.
Not that I will. Or won't. I don't know what the future holds and I don't know that I have the answer as to what one should or shouldn't do. I just wonder. Maybe you smartipants readers have some thoughts?
Anywayyyyy, that brings me to a command decision. In the meantime, while I'm waiting to find someone great for me, I'm starting a harem.
I'll be taking applications starting now. Qualifications:
- Must be witty and intelligent. Nothing is sexier than someone who can teach me something and make me laugh.
- No limits on build and age, except: you must be taller than 5'7" and/or big enough so that if I sit on you, you don't break.
- Must have plenty of sexual experience. I don't have the time to teach you anything other than my personal preferences and how I sound when I'm really, really, really happy.
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43 comments mean you love me:
i was just talking about this subject with The Matt today. not the breaking up part, but the settling.
i was discussing a relationship i had ages ago, and wondering how the hell it had lasted the year and a half it did. that relationship sucked my energy, and i hated my life. was it the free place to live, the inability to focus on anything but my crazy school schedule, what?
to this day, i still have no answers for that; i didn't then, and i don't now.
but i'm glad i learned that lesson early - settling makes me miserable. and i'm glad i've gotten it out of the way, so i can be truthful in my relationships. and heavy on the communication.
and if all else fails, the grace to know when to get out.
Well bravo, Kitten.
On the decision to return to singledom and the harem plan.
I can personally attest to the fact that it's DIVINE to have a selection of tried and trusted sexual partners at your disposal.
I'm afraid I can't comment on the motherhood plans (Being called Mummy - even in the most twisted of sexual game - just does. not. compute.), but I think you're very brave.
It's hard for women to make a clean break when they know they dont' have everything that they want.
So many of us settle.
I'm delighted that you're not.
(And I don't think you should - even for the purposes of rugrats.)
*mwah*
- B x
Sorry I'm taken.
You'll have to aim your sites a touch lower than me.
Seriously, you are in the right frame of mind. No whining, you seem positive, and your sense of humor is better than ever. Best wishes.
I'm single. Yesterday one of my engaged friends says - out of nowhere - "I don't understand why everyone is so obsessed with getting married. If I were single, I would totally love it, but that changed when I fell in love. But my plan was to be single."
Yeah, right. This coming from a girl who, before she got engaged, moaned and complained about being the last of her friends and family to get married. So who exactly is obsessed with getting married here? The single girl trying to get a job to pay the college loans or the one who calls me at least once a day to tell me 'how hard this wedding planning stuff is'?
I love that women don't have to get married now AND that we have options.
I told Friend (in another discussion) that if I don't meet a guy, fall in love, get married, etc that I would adopt a child. She asked me whether I would do artificial 'choose a guy you've never met genetic code' and I said no. If I can't - or won't - have a kid naturally, I'll adopt. Done and done.
Options? Are awesome.
I was 27 when I married the husband, and frankly, I thought I was too damn young to be doing it. Having the girl at 28 was even more terrifying in that "WAIT, WHAT WAS I THINKING? I'M STILL A BABY!"
Which is my way to say, enjoy your time. Because that roller coaster will hit you and you'll still feel too young.
PS I don't fit any of your criteria, but you're still awesome.
Excellent idea. Best of luck in application process. I *wish* I'd thought of this idea in college...
@Satan I learned that lesson somewhat I guess. at your age I got out of a long and toxic relationship. but I guess priorities change. it's a constant battle to keep that a goal.
@The Barreness thanks, Gorgeous! I already have my eye on a hot bartender. yum! xo
@Lance oh wow. my bad.
thanks much.
@Colleen I guess I just get fearful of adopting on my own because I'd really need the money to do it. I don't have any family nearby so it would really be just me. I'd need to afford help. which isn't happening any time soon.
love ya
@Suniverse I guess it's hard not to count the years away. if I met the man of my dreams today, we'd spend maybe two years until we'd be ready for engagement or marriage. then time settling in. then the years it would take my bum ovaries and uterus to try for a first and pretty soon I'm in the high risk years and I'm already high risk. it's just hard to not feel doomed. which I know I'm not. but it's hard.
you're so awesome! love you!
@Abby I wish I'd done a lot of things in college. let's go back in time and change all that!
It's crazy how much I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts every single time I come here. Are you sure we're not identical twins separated at birth, but born at different times and probably look completely different? No? You can call me crazy it's ok :)
@Hutch no, I'm not sure. so the most reasonable explanation is that we ARE twins! must be.
<3
I'd much rather be SINGLE than in a not-so-great relationship! Kudos to you.
If I were in your harem, could I be in charge? Like, the Head of your awesome squad of witty, fun experienced guys? (I mean, in a Trusted Lieutenant kind of way. Of course you are in ultimate charge of your awesome squad.) There's always the one guy/girl in gangs like this in movies who has the slightly better costume and a couple of spoken lines.
I'm thinking here of In Like Flint, where James Coburn had a harem of sexy ladies-cum-astrophysicists-cum-xenolinguists or some such. (What? WHAT? No, no, it's "koŏm"--"combined with". Latinate or some such shit. Not that, well, I assume, but that wasn't... Actually, that kind of works, now that I think about it.)
If I couldn't be Head Haremer by dint of talent (not saying I couldn't!) I think maybe I qualify under the ancient laws of "Dibs"?
Oh, but by the by, I think the "settling" thing is an interesting question. Dan Savage, who I adore, is fond of saying that there is no settling down without settling for. That is, NO ONE matches ANYONE 100%. You've gotta take that 80-90% and round up to 100 is his advice. Which I think makes sense--people (and by people I mean me) think of settling as choosing/staying with someone with whom you have either an nagging sense of "(m)eh?" or someone who represents a permanent lowering of standards on your part. I think the latter bit is important and necessary, but you gotta choose the right standards. Maybe "astrophysicist with the body of a model and mad dancing skillz and the comic stylings Mitch Hedberg and Ron White's love child via Ricky Gervais" is too much to ask for (or some combination of perfection that appeals to The You, YMMV), and so lowering those standards = reasonable.
I think the end of the day, there are like, 3 essential standards that can be rounded around: does this person make me happy? Does this person respect me? And do I respect them? Add to that a recurring and enduring but not necessarily constant bit of sexual frisson, and viola.
Wait a second, shit, I gotta write that recipe down...
NEVER settle! I never really wanted to get married & have kids, but found myself engaged 6 times (I know, weird, huh? Guess I was irresistible and they had to try and tie me down, teehee). When I met my hubby, I knew instantly! How had I ever allowed myself to (almost) settle for less than the best? I deserve the best!! Now look at us, 3 kiddos later and happy as hell. I'm glad I waited for the right one, and he'll come (or not) for you and you'll live as YOU want to!
And ok, the fifth element, which is that certain "I don't know what" that is the difference between someone that makes you happy and is respectful and you have good sex with and you hang out with whenever they're in town, and someone with all of the above except you hitch up and live in the same place with indefinitely and raise little sarcastic hellions with. The je ne sais quoi factor is important... just, sort of hard to enunciate by definition. But this one is dangerous, cuz I think one DOES have to settle for the fact that one probably won't meet the "oh my god I can't breathe and am suffused with love every time I think about them and this lasts forever exactly this way" person of story and song, and even if you did, you wouldn't know the "forever" part for sure. Most of us have to settle for something other than the idealistic ETERNAL LOVE OH MY GOD TIMES ELEVENTY!1!!11!, but that might in part be because there's a lot more to love than that fluttery fabled feeling. Can't settle for less than love, but gotta try and figure out when one is holding out for Princess Bride-level romance, vs. just looking for someone with the right ineffable "click"-y love-stuff.
My $0.02. This sure is better than working! Wait--oh, shit. I need to do some of that...
Jesus Christ I love you. Also? I could have written this. Every.single.part.
OK that Harem list made me burst out giggling. It is brilliant! Hehe!
Sorry to hear the Fella was not a match but hey, such is life and at least it was an easy break-up. No, you should not settle for someone for any reason... it will only end in distaster. Hope Mr "hot,funny,safe and amazing in bed etc etc" is around the corner. I'll keep my fingers crossed. :)
are we living the same exact life...? because i just broke up with a fella Tuesday and your blog is like an excerpt of the past week of my life... don't settle - it is NOT silly to want certain things.
I could have totally written this! I'm in a relatively happy place now, single too. I am auditioning the ONE but will never ever settle again. (or grab frantically at the first guy that looks my way) It's a great feeling!
Having a kid with someone you hate is pretty damn hard too.
I vote adoption. I think you'd be extra sexy with a kid.
I will definitely take an application. Also, I've been in that situation. It sucks. For me it felt like I'd gone through sooo many bad choices (for me) that everything wasn't wrong (which does not equal everything is right) so I felt like I owed it to both of us to give it the ol' college try, for about a month or two.
The thing you should be proud of is that I was kind of willing to continue trying it and was maybe too lonely to realize that having someone did not equate to finding someone.
Two of my single friends and I were talking about this on Sunday. DO NOT settle. You will hate life later on. Especially if you have kids and feel stuck with this person. WAIT until you find someone that you want to be with. It's worth it.
You took the words out of my mouth. I love being single and being independent. And I'm not up for going on a hundred dates "just in case" one of them turns out to be "the one". When it happens, it happens. I'm not closed off to the idea, but I'm not hunting it down like a starved animal.
@JohnofGauntII wow. lots to respond to.
no, no one would be in charge. it's not like we'd all run in a pack or something. I don't even think the members of the harem would ever meet.
that's what I mean, but I'm too old to still hang onto the impossible standards. obviously. but that "does he/she make you happy?" question is complicated. at the end of the day, I want someone who I feel is my equal and who challenges my mind. simple as that. plus sex and all that. :)
and I've never really believed in teh Princess Bride level of romance. though if a man decided to give me the speech from Pride and Prejudice, I wouldn't complain. it's just that I've either attracted toxic relationships (worked that out in therapy), fallen for great guys who just didn't love me, or dated around and not met someone who is a good match.
I don't want to settle. I just wonder how long I'll hang onto that.
thanks for reading!
@Amanda six times? you are a trooper. I was engaged once and half engaged when I was VERY young. I def want all that and I want to wait for it to be right. :)
@Jen I love you so hard. let's get married. I'd make a great step mom. ;)
@Nush teehee! how do you know me so well? <3
@Dana maybe we ARE living the same life! do you watch Fringe? ;)
thanks, darlin. you're so right.
@Andrea well since we're both Andreas, I'm kinda suspicious you DID write this. ;)
@KLZ I bet it is. but at least you get two other arms, yes?
you're so right of course. kids look awesome on me. <3
I'm adopting either way. but because I don't really have family to help, I'll have to be able to afford extra childcare. so it's not gonna be anytime soon. *sigh*
@Jackie T *moves Jackie's application to top of pile*
I love ya so hard. sometimes it kills me how similar we can be.
it's interesting how loneliness works. I rarely get lonely for people, because I'm incredibly antisocial. but I do get all antsy to move the future along, for someone to love me, to have a baby. it's not always healthy. but I do want it to be right. :)
@Jules oooh you make a god point! being stuck with someone, esp with kids, sounds awful.
@lex [lexinthecity] and then you took the words out of MY mouth! that's exactly it. I want it, but I'm not gonna stalk it like a crazy person. <3
Um, this post is AMAZING. I wandered over here from the wonderful Dysfunction Junction's page, and just love, love, love what you're saying here. As a single 30-something who's also wading through the dating pool (and through the "Shit, I actually do want kids" realization"), this post just resonated perfectly.
Thank you for the great read! I'll be back for more. :)
LMAO i recently started getting into Fringe. perhaps we need to really meet in person anyway to see if we mirror each other's actions as i imagine us to do ;-)
P.S. sorry for the long delay in reading/commenting. life has gotten the best of me the last few months. but in a good way!
P.P.S. i started following you on FB too - and if ya take a peek at my pics, you can see my kitty family :-)
@hannahjustbreathe welcome! any friend of DJs is a friend of mine. :) thanks much!
@Dana hey no worries. I get so behind on my blog reading sometimes. you can only do what you can. :)
I'm well under 5'7", but I'm pretty sturdy. I have yet to be broken, in fact.
As far as your willingness to give people more of a chance, I do this, too. And I think it's because I've been single for a really long time. When I ended my six-year relationship and was ready to date again, I was all, "Hello, Boston lesbians. I'm ready for you now. One at a time, please. Form a line." As if I were an iPad 2, and lesbians were Apple aficionados. Then I saw what's out there; it's terrifying. I'm willing to go the extra mile (literally and figuratively), because that's what it sometimes takes.
@alonewithcats I am so taking your application!
your apple/lesbian analog had me rolling. too funny.
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