Monday, March 21, 2011

I missed her

Her email address was staring at me brazenly. My breath captive in my throat. An email. From her.

The last time I'd seen her was almost a year ago, sitting in her car, the dashboard illuminating our distorted faces with a macabre glow, the both of us overcome with sobs at the revelation of what she’d done.

I’d never felt so betrayed. So heartbroken.

I'd said never. She broke the rules. Her chance had passed. 

But I missed her. I missed her terribly. I missed her before I even slammed the heavy car door that night, the word slut howled into the chilly air.

I missed her down into my toes.

I ached with the absence of her. Every significant moment lacking because I couldn’t share it with her.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I held the mouse under my fingers. I don’t know how I expected to feel, but I felt it all. Apprehension. Joy. Anger. Relief. I was excited and I was terrified. The butterflies must have been chased away by the bees buzzing in my stomach. My throat convulsed with a thousand nerves.

With shaky hands and without even noticing the subject line, I clicked.

So much.

Tears immediately welled.

So much.

Words of contrition and sadness and remorse. Words like selfish and sorry and I miss you. Words that seeped into the gaping wound in my heart and filled it with warm light.

I read without reading, just letting the fact of their existence sooth my aching soul.

Then I read again.

I read each word ravenously with the gaze of a hungry beast, not wanted to miss one delicious morsel of apology and hope and love. Her voice, which I’d somehow forgotten yet remembered, was clear and honest and so reassuringly her.

With each phrase, forgiveness overtook me. With each expression, I let her back into my core. As I read, I suddenly knew I’d forgiven her before she’d even asked, but knew that what I needed from her was just that: to ask for my forgiveness.

Just that simple act. That offering of apology.

And I was mended. We were mended. Our friendship of ten years reclaimed and salvaged, now stronger than before. A friendship more important than rancor. A friendship worth forgiveness.


This was a post for the RemembeRED prompt: This week's prompt is about forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving yourself. Write about a time of forgiveness. I wrote this about an event that happened maybe 5 or 6 years ago. The friend in the story is one of my closest friends still today. We're stronger than ever.

47 comments mean you love me:

Nancy C said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

With each expression, I let her back into my core.

Beautiful. Isn't that how it works? Our dearest friends are our core. Which is why we feel a bit empty when there is a conflict.

This was so nicely done....you were thinking, and yet, I felt the tension, picked you hunched over that mouse.

Anders Holm said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

To forgive someone, no matter the hurt they have caused, is a very powerful while also humble thing. Being able to forgive when hurt deeply is also a gift of true love.

Happy for you!

amydpp said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wonderfully written, my dear.

Liz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow, Andy! This is so, so, SO well-written! So powerful and heartfelt!

J said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm not sure I've seen a post this beautifully written in a long time. I'm still rubbing away the goosebumps. Great job, Andy!!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Nancy- thank you! and yes, that is exactly how our best friendships feel. <3

Anders- thank you! I'm happy for me too. and our friendship. :)

amy- oh thank you, darlin!

Liz- oh thank you so much! that means a lot. <3

J- ohmygoodness what a great compliment. thank you!!!

Queen E said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I didn't realize it before, but I guess everyone has One Of Those, huh? I've been there, or, am there. We're not mended yet and I don't know that we'll be but reading this put those thoughts back in my head...what if?

This was just simply beautiful. Really.

Thanks.

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Beautiful. Made me smile and tear up all at the same time. The friends in our lifes are so important.

meleah rebeccah said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This was brilliantly written. Forgiveness is an incredibly powerful tool.

Alex@LateEnough said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Gorgeous. What a gift that y'all got through it. Speaks well of both of you.

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This brings back memories! I know someone is very glad you read that email! And ofcourse, it was written beautifully! Love you long time bestie!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Queen- you hope everyone doesn't, but they do. I hope yours works out. I said never and it did. and it's been years now and I've never regretted it. <3

Nush- SO important!

meleah- thank you! it so is. so is.

Alex- thanks! I know. it speaks so well of her. :)

Betts- I was hoping you'd like this, love. seems like so long ago! love you so much!

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Good for you.

I'm not a forgiver. I'm just not - wasn't built that way, and wasn't raised that way.

I'm trying to be more caring and less adamant about how things are and how they should be.

Forgiveness, to me, implies weakness, but I know it's strength.

You are so strong.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

What a beautiful post!

Mel said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A beautifully written post. x

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sun- oh thank you. it was so worth it. so worth it! <3

Jules- thanks!!

Mel- oh that Gandhi was so wise. so wise. thanks, hon!

Leah said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Stunning writing. I especially love this line "each word ravenously with the gaze of a hungry beast" Great job!

Erin said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I had this exact thing happen to me, and you put it in words that couldn't have been more perfect!

isaywhatimean said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Gee, this moment is familiar. Staring at an e-mail and realizing the name in the "from" column has all the power in the world.

Beautifully done... love the image of butterflies and bees in your stomach. Wait.. that sounds weird. You know what I mean.

I love the sense of relief I get at the end of this. It makes my world feel a little more put together.

Bobbi

Jack said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Her email address was staring at me brazenly. My breath captive in my throat. An email. From her.

Great start. It really set the tone and the pace for me.

Stephanie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"Words of contrition and sadness and remorse. Words like selfish and sorry and I miss you. Words that seeped into the gaping wound in my heart and filled it with warm light."

I loved this heartaching imagery. I might have taken out some of the and's here, but I love it all the same.

Great job on the prompt!

Galit Breen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This was beautifully written. My fingers were crossed for these girls (you!) the whole way through and I'm so very glad that an apology was offered and accepted.

I agree with you, that sometimes it's the offering that's necessary.

My favorite lines were: "the word slut howled into the chilly air" and "the fact of their existence sooth my aching soul." The hurt, followed by the soothing.

You told so much in so few words!

Leighann said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Every line is so descriptive, so beautiful.
"the butterflies must have been chased away by the bees buzzing in my stomach."
So perfect!!
I am in love with the way every single word is placed in this piece.
Perfection!

The Barreness said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Andy, my goodness.

Stunning.

(I promise to have more interesting comments soon, but all I can currently come up with are one-word expressions of shock and adoration.)

(Actually, I kind of love those.)

;-)

- B x

Elaine A. said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The way you described reading the email... that part alone was SO well written and captivating. This is really, really good...

I'm so glad your friendship is alive and well! :)

I Thought I Knew Mama said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is so beautifully written! I was going to include some examples of lines that I enjoyed in this comment, but there are too many to include!

Ironically, I received an email two days ago from a close friend that I have not heard from in over 3 years. I could so identify with how you read and reread every word voraciously, and how you forgave your friend before you even really knew you were doing it.

Visiting from TRDC.

Elena said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm glad that the friendship was saved and there was forgiveness. Sometimes with friends it can be so very tricky to do. Great parts of the post - "I read each word ravenously...." - that paragraph was just awesome. Definitely my favorite part.

Kris said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hard for me to respond to the writing in this post, because I am in the midst of a situation much like this. And I am not good at forgiveness. At all. The apologies being offered, while heartfelt, do not pierce me.

I just don't see how you move on past something big enough to separate the two of you.

I am impressed that you did it.

But I am not sure I am built that way.

I am not so much about a do-over.

Sigh.

amygrew said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is such a great post! It hold me captive from the first word to the last!

Loved it!

Andrea (ace1028) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

There truly are so many of us where you were - here - in this place. I have been there. I am there. In two separate situations, each with two separate friends attached to them. Amazing how it works. One mends, one doesn't -- one wonders what is worth it. I'm happy for you that your friendship returned to you. For a second I thought you were writing the email, and I was like, woah. How often I've felt that way. And then when I do I say to myself, I want her to ask for forgiveness. Just say I'm sorry and I'll let it all go. YOu made it sound so easy and so hard all at once. Thank you for sharing.

Ashley said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You right emotion so well. I could truly feel every word like, "I read each word ravenously with the gaze of a hungry beast, not wanted to miss one delicious morsel of apology and hope and love." I think we all now exactly how this feels. Well done.

The only thing I would suggest is more...I wish I new more of the story, more details. But I know how difficult writing a personal matter can be. And scary! Lol.

WTH am I Doing? said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Very well done! I know exactly how this feels. Exactly. I was so right there with you through this whole post. Butterflies to relief. :)

~visiting from TRDC

Sober Julie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I could easily feel your emotions in this piece, I connected immediately.
I appreciated that you didn't give the details of the betrayal, I didn't think it was necessary...in fact it may have muddied my experience with your piece by involving my opinions.
Time certainly helps the act of forgiveness.
Thank you for sharing it ;)

theworkinghousewife said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This was my favorite line:
"Words that seeped into the gaping wound in my heart and filled it with warm light."

I think this post was beautifully written... The emotions are powerful.

mamatrack.com said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I loved this. It was so vivid. "I missed her down to my toes." Yes, I know that feeling.

I also loved the "ravenous" reading. What a perfect description.

Very well done.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks so much for all the comments! I'll respond individually as soon as I can. muah!

logyexpress.com said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am in awe of this and of your ability to forgive. I am not so forgiving and I know that comes from weakness on my part. This grabbed me from the very beginning and I'm so glad things worked out.

Not Just Another Mother Blogger! said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

We never realize how much of our foundation comes from our friendships until that support is no longer there.

I've been there--you described it perfectly!

Mandyland said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A heartfelt apology has amazing power. In your case, the power to heal wounds and seal a friendship.

I loved how you didn't accuse in this piece. You hinted "the word slut" but you didn't point the finger of blame or fill us all in on the "dirt".

Beautifully written.

By Word of Mouth Musings said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I had a friendship like that that, it ended three years ago after ten years of her being my everything friend.
Neither of us have reached out.
The gaping hole was there, it is filling little by little.

You brought it all back with your wonderful prose and beautiful descriptive writing ... but for us it is too late.

Sarah P said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

How did I miss this?

So good.

Jenna said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

that was beautiful.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh my goodness, thank you all! I'm sorry I didn't respond individually. but I read each comment and noted all of the concrit. thank you! thank you!

MrsJenB said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is so, so good. I've been there. Who hasn't? And you get that email and your breath catches and a million memories race through your mind. You definitely too me there.

The only thing I might change would be to break this sentence up, as it's a litte bit run-on - I had to read it twice:

"The last time I'd seen her was almost a year ago, sitting in her car, the dashboard illuminating our distorted faces with a macabre glow, the both of us overcome with sobs at the revelation of what she’d done."

And that's really the only concrit I can give.

Oh, and the way you talk about re-reading the email and drinking in the apologies? Perfect. I sat here nodding in recognition.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@MrsJenB oh thank you so much!! yes, we've all been there. amazing how experience is so unique yet so common yes? thanks for the concrit. I can be a bit comma happy sometimes (correctly of course). :)

The Woven Moments said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I've said it before but I'll say it again....I'm hooked. Hooked, hooked, hooked!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@The Woven Moments oh thank you! *blush*

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...