This happens often to me. The Universe seems to converge and topics find their way to me. What choice do I have? I can't mock the muses can I? Of course I can't.
A reader and I had a little banter on my facecrack page the other day. I don't share this to single her out (which is why I blurred her name) or make her feel badly, but because it got me thinking about this subject.
So, my dear reader, I know you were kidding and we had a good laugh.
But what this got me thinking was that I'm not exactly happy being childless.
I know it probably doesn't seem that way because I try to make the most out of my situation. I believe in finding happiness where and when you can. I know that children may not happen for me and so I try to be happy with what I have.
It's not just that I haven't had the opportunity to even try to motherhood yet. That is a big part of it. I'll admit. I'm bitter. I'm pissed that I've wanted kids for years now and it's just not happened for me. It sucks and I won't pretend it doesn't.
But it's also because my hostile asshole of a uterus probably won't let me ever have kids. If the damn thing didn't make me so miserable, I might feel sorry for it. And hopefully by now you all know my opinions on adoption and I fully plan on adopting some day whether I can pop out an earthling or not, except that adoption is incredibly expensive and I only hope that once day I can put forth the necessary funds to bring home a cute baby from the baby store.
However, I'm also pissed that anything that has to do with my lady parts has to be a big ordeal. I'm prone to ovarian cysts. I have endometriosis and a tilted uterus. Which means that with my monthly business as usual comes a buttload of pain and misery. Birth control pills help immensely. Before them, I could count on not being able to walk for a few days because of the pain. In the 9th grade, I passed out in my school bathroom once, the pain was so bad.
I also worry about the day I have to go off birth control to try to get pregnant. How much will it hurt? And will I even be able to get pregnant? I've had lots of close calls with boyfriends in the past. Plenty of chances to accidentally incubate a fetus. Yet, nada. And my gyno was not surprised. According to him, pregnancy will be my Everest. Which is why he wants me to start trying like 3 years ago.
Which brings me back to my first thought. I'm jealous of you moms. I am. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of your accidental pregnancies and your birth stories and photos of your babes. I want to inhale their little baby smell and stuff them in my uterus.
I know you're joking when you call your children monsters and lament how they drive you nuts. I know you're kidding. I hope you are.
And I know motherhood is a difficult job. I'd go so far as to say the most difficult job. I'm not under any illusions about that. I don't need anyone to explain to me how it's harder than I think and I couldn't handle it. If I had a dollar for every mom who told me that, I'd be a rich woman and could buy all the babies I want a la Angelina.
I know it's hard. Stop condescending me. I still want it.
But I'm not so narcissistic that I don't recognize that I still have it better than many women. I've never lost a baby. I've never had a difficult pregnancy. I've never been through any number of pains women the world over experience and endure. I sympathize with the heartaches and physical pain that I've yet to face.
The point being, you never know what someone has been through or how someone is hurting.
The other day, I read this post over at MommyPants. Go read it. I'll wait.
This line cracked me in two: “I had a child die right after birth. What I wouldn’t give to be busy with three kids.”
Though I can't know that kind of pain. I empathize with it. I know a small inkling of it. I haven't lost a baby. But I carry around a certain emptiness anyway.
What I wouldn't give to be busy with just one kid.
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29 comments mean you love me:
I can't really say anything to this post except that I am very glad that you were open and brave enough to put the honesty and emotion out there. Hugs to you darling!
I sincerely empathize. My wife and I have been trying UNsuccessfully for over a year. I know people jest when they say, "ZOMG - kids are horrible, they're crazy and drive you crazy, don't have em!" But it hurts at the same time.
You just have to hang in there. Decide how much help you want from science, and do your best to make solid, moral decisions that match your core beliefs. Oh, and patience - the mother of all crap.
Every time I hear a parent complain about their kids (and not the minimal stuff I'm talking full on anger and bitterness towards their children) it takes all my strength not to go off and tell them just how lucky they are! Each year I go to the Dr to see if I'll have to have another procedure that decreases my chance of being able to carry a baby to term. Unfortunately, I'm in no place to try to have kids right now and beat the odds my body is putting up against me.
Anyway, I'm glad someone is saying this because I haven't been brave enough to put it on my own blog. So thank you!
*HUGS*
Random- thank you for reading, love. <3
Doc- you're so right. it's all about plugging along and not listening when others are unwittingly insensitive. patience is a motherfucker.
Hutch-I am so sorry you're experiencing that. I feel your pain, I do. we should start a club. *hugs* and it seems I'm always the one flaying the hard stuff on my blog. what am I thinking? :)
Nush- hugs right back at ya! muah!
"I want to inhale their little baby smell and stuff them in my uterus." Actually made me snot snot out of my nose.
On a more serious note - don't ever give up on your dreams. 2 of my friends have tilted uteri (?) and had surgery to remove ovarian cysts, and one also had endometriosis. One is pregnant and the other, although it took awhile, is now pregnant with her 2nd child. It can happen.
And if it doesn't, then you know that you will be more than happy with a child that you adopt/steal. I hear those church back alleys are gold mines. xo
Oh, honey. That is . . . it just is. Don't compare your pain to anyone else's. You're feeling what you're feeling.
I have the girl, and while I'm quite happy with just her, and I am NOT a fan of babies AT ALL, I have to admit that lately, occassionally, I've had a hankering for another. But it's not to be, so like you, I adjust.
[PS WE ARE COMPLETE TWINS - I ALSO have a tilted uterus! And endometrial fibers!]
I can't even begin to imagine the jealousy and sadness that you are feeling because I don't want children. I never have. And it's probably just as well because I have also been told that it would be difficult if not impossible for me to have a child.
But just because I can't relate doesn't mean that I don't wish from the bottom of my heart that you will be a mother someday. You are exactly the kind of person that deserves to have a child. I'd say (at the risk of putting my foot in my mouth) that you probably know better than most how important of a job it is to be a parent, and how much damage can be inflicted on children by those that have no business being parents.
Ignore those that assume you aren't up to the challenge, they can't see your strength.
You will be a great mom, in some form -- biological, adoptive, ersatz or other. Whatever shape the process takes, you will handle it all, as you handle everything, with grace, humor, intelligence, compassion, and integrity. And in the meanwhile, the children in your life are lucky for the love and respect that you give them. *HUGS*
I love this post.
I will never have biological children. Not because of a physical problem on my part. Because the man I fell in love with told me up front before things got serious that he had two children and had no intention of having any more. So I had to choose. Most days I am happy with my choice. I am a stepmom and I love my kids. But gosh, sometimes I get that awful hurt inside...knowing I will never have "my own".
Don't give up. For years doctors told my sister that she could never get pregnant because of some as-of-yet diagnosed medical condition. But then - BAM! Surprise! She found out she was pregnant in December, and had a gorgeous little girl last August. I hope you become a mommy some day, whether by nature or adoption.
Yes, I say my child is a monster, as almost any parent will say of their child at some point or another. Or that your spouse or s/o is a jerk/bitch, or that your parents are lame...That's our right!
But what's not cool is people just patting your shoulder and saying oh honey wait till you have kids.... I figging hate when people think that parenthood is some sort of mystical thing and that you don't know a dammned thing untill you enter this club.
What did that comment have to do with kids at all? I'm confused? Because what I got, being a female, was that Mother Nature is a bitch and she is taking it out on all females by gifting us with this stupid thing called a period that completely fucks you up once a month, some more than others...In no way was I prompted to chime in, wait till you have kids. People take the most random shit out of context.
(Betty steps off soap box, then blames PMS for this rant and grabs some chocolate.)
lex- always glad to make you snort! hah! thanks much. you give me hope. *hugs*
Sun- that's it. there is no way we're not twins! serious.
H- as always, you're so wise. you're very right. I miss you! *hugs*
Yvonne- you sound like you made a conscious decision though and I respect that completely. I'm sure your step kids love you.
Colleen- that was so what I needed to hear. thanks for the hope! <3
Betts- I love that you're so feisty. always my bestie coming to my aid. I think it's not about joking around (which is fine); it's about realizing that others might be hurting. love you so much! <3 now give me chocolate! *RAWR*
hasta- loved your email. wrote you back. fucking A.
It is wonderful, and you'll be cuddling a little someone soon.
At the risk of sounding weak and effeminate. I read this, I hugged my two weeuns very tightly and I thought of you. Would have hugged you too. Now I have to go kill something for dinner. Bring back the manly ju-ju
I understand all too well. I just have to say I see a lot of crappy parents out there so remember just because you can have them doesn't mean you should and just because you can't have them doesn't mean you shouldn't.Love You.
Sarah P- love to you
Tom- aw! don't worry. your manly juju is intact.
Lynnette- thanks, hon. you're right. love you too.
If it were possible, I would not only trade uteruses (uteri?) with you, I would flat out give you mine. No takebacksies. I sure don't need one.
I don't want kiddies, just kitties.
it both scares me and excites me to admit that i totally know what you're saying. my uterus started screaming about 3 years ago and i've started to realize that i can't keep it bound & gagged in the closet forever.
i have no doubt that if you really want to be a mom, then you will be. it will happen.
Jess- you're so the best! kitties are very much awesome too.
seffronia- that's exactly it! it's screaming at me. totally. thank you! <3
My husband and I just started 'trying' and I understand...oh so much do I understand your battle. I had many an 'oopps' before I met him, enough that if it were going to be easy for me to get pregnant that it would have happened before now. I just know in my heart that this is going to be a long and difficult road, and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so sorry you haven't had the opportunity to be a parent. It seems like the good people, the ones that can't get pregnant are the ones that would be the best parents.
I know right? any junkie can pop out a baby but those who really want one can't. what is that? thanks so much for reading!
all i have to say is you and me both... seriously. i, too, have endo and it had been as awful as you describe... until i found my awesome gyno and had the laparoscopy done, and started the BC pill. i know all too well of the ache you speak of - i really do.
@Dana so nice to hear you get it. it's hard to explain to those who haven't been there. I opted not to laparoscopy because I wanted to wait until I had a window to try and get pregnant. maybe I should have. but the pill? is my saving grace, I swear.
<3
ya know, there are pros and cons to the laparoscopy. i was lucky they did mine when they did because i am apparently prone to fibroid tumors (and had more than a few. who the fuck knew until then?? all of my others doctors were pricks who never bothered to check!). the good thing about the surgery is that they get out as much of the endo as humanly possible, and put yo' ass on the pill (you are already on, so they would just continue that afterwards) to hinder the endo from coming back. it might be something to consider anyway from a reproductive standpoint. it sounds like you have pretty awful case too (and i am so sorry if that is the case) - mine was mild enough, but can still cause complications.
but the pill... thank one of the gods for that!!! seriously, i have been taking it back to back for over a year and a half (you know you can do that right?) and have NOT had a period and feel like a new woman! my doctor was a-okay with that measure as she told me there was no true medical reason to have a period... unless i was trying to get preggers, and well, then i would need to stop the pill anyway :-) sorry for the novel - it is just a subject i am ALL too familiar with. i wish i could slap your uterus for you and tell it to stop being so difficult. <3
@Dana my insurance would never cover the pill at that frequency. BUT now I don't have insurance and will be going to Planned Parenthood. maybe...I would LOVE to not have a period! happy sighs at the thought.
yes, please do slap my uterus. AND my cyst prone ovaries. <3
i will shake my uterine fists of fury at them! that shite just blows - all of it!
AND PP should be able to give it to you at that frequency :-) believe me, i probably would have cut a bitch by now if i wasn't on it back-to-back.
*sigh* i should move to Portland... i think we would make excellent adoptive mommy parents!
<3
@Dana or that gay marriage were legal. :)
I am just coming across this post now and it really hit home for me. It brought me back to my struggles with infertility and some of the feelings I had back then when I heard people complain about their kids or even worse when I had to deal with one person who did not want kids but decided to keep the baby because she knew she would loose the guy she was with if she did not have it.
One day (shortly after my recent pregnancy ended in an ectopic pregnancy) a friend,who happened to share the same fertility specialist with me, and I were sharing those feelings and she commented "At least you know you can get pregnant." She was right, I at least had the hope that something could happen and in a way she was grieving not only for a child that was not there yet, but the hope for a carrying a child. From that day on, I cherished all the hardships that I faced trying to get pregnant.
I am blessed with two kids now, but it was a long journey and one that had many speed bumps and heartache. Thanks for sharing your thoughts because I think sometimes we need to stop and be thankful for what they have been blessed with.
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