This happens often to me. The Universe seems to converge and topics find their way to me. What choice do I have? I can't mock the muses can I? Of course I can't.
A reader and I had a little banter on my facecrack page the other day. I don't share this to single her out (which is why I blurred her name) or make her feel badly, but because it got me thinking about this subject.
So, my dear reader, I know you were kidding and we had a good laugh.
But what this got me thinking was that I'm not exactly happy being childless.
I know it probably doesn't seem that way because I try to make the most out of my situation. I believe in finding happiness where and when you can. I know that children may not happen for me and so I try to be happy with what I have.
It's not just that I haven't had the opportunity to even try to motherhood yet. That is a big part of it. I'll admit. I'm bitter. I'm pissed that I've wanted kids for years now and it's just not happened for me. It sucks and I won't pretend it doesn't.
But it's also because my hostile asshole of a uterus probably won't let me ever have kids. If the damn thing didn't make me so miserable, I might feel sorry for it. And hopefully by now you all know my opinions on adoption and I fully plan on adopting some day whether I can pop out an earthling or not, except that adoption is incredibly expensive and I only hope that once day I can put forth the necessary funds to bring home a cute baby from the baby store.
However, I'm also pissed that anything that has to do with my lady parts has to be a big ordeal. I'm prone to ovarian cysts. I have endometriosis and a tilted uterus. Which means that with my monthly business as usual comes a buttload of pain and misery. Birth control pills help immensely. Before them, I could count on not being able to walk for a few days because of the pain. In the 9th grade, I passed out in my school bathroom once, the pain was so bad.
I also worry about the day I have to go off birth control to try to get pregnant. How much will it hurt? And will I even be able to get pregnant? I've had lots of close calls with boyfriends in the past. Plenty of chances to accidentally incubate a fetus. Yet, nada. And my gyno was not surprised. According to him, pregnancy will be my Everest. Which is why he wants me to start trying like 3 years ago.
Which brings me back to my first thought. I'm jealous of you moms. I am. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of your accidental pregnancies and your birth stories and photos of your babes. I want to inhale their little baby smell and stuff them in my uterus.
I know you're joking when you call your children monsters and lament how they drive you nuts. I know you're kidding. I hope you are.
And I know motherhood is a difficult job. I'd go so far as to say the most difficult job. I'm not under any illusions about that. I don't need anyone to explain to me how it's harder than I think and I couldn't handle it. If I had a dollar for every mom who told me that, I'd be a rich woman and could buy all the babies I want a la Angelina.
I know it's hard. Stop condescending me. I still want it.
But I'm not so narcissistic that I don't recognize that I still have it better than many women. I've never lost a baby. I've never had a difficult pregnancy. I've never been through any number of pains women the world over experience and endure. I sympathize with the heartaches and physical pain that I've yet to face.
The point being, you never know what someone has been through or how someone is hurting.
The other day, I read this post over at MommyPants. Go read it. I'll wait.
This line cracked me in two: “I had a child die right after birth. What I wouldn’t give to be busy with three kids.”
Though I can't know that kind of pain. I empathize with it. I know a small inkling of it. I haven't lost a baby. But I carry around a certain emptiness anyway.
What I wouldn't give to be busy with just one kid.