So I'm 32 days into the celibacy thing and I have to say...I'm loving it!
Wait. First, go read this post about why I started this in the first place. Back? Okay then.
On the one hand, not much has actually changed in terms of physical sex. I didn't have that much sex before anyway and I'm still having a grand time with my favorite girlfriend anyway: Goldie. Goldie never disappoints.
But the point was not about sex. It was about not dating. About not looking for love. About taking myself out of the game.
It's quite awesome actually. I'm not really scoping anyone for potential anything. I still admire a fine form. I still fantasize. I still get horny. But there's not the option or potential, so therefore there's no stress. It's brilliant.
However, I've been getting mixed reactions.
Most people my age and over, especially women, think it's an awesome idea. A great way to pull my soul aside and give it time to recuperate.
Most (not all) younger people, especially guys, think it's stupid. After all, they insist, isn't life all about getting laid? Isn't it all about searching for a partner? You never know what might happen so keep your options open.
*condescendingly patting their heads*
Look, life is not as short as we think. It's actually quite long and, by 30, three months off isn't that much. It's an incredibly short time to take a dating break. If I'd really been committed to the idea, I would've taken a year off or more. And I just might. If I get to 90 days and feel like I need more time, I'll take it.
Also, sex is wonderful. It's delicious. It's healthy. I will never, ever (I hope) claim that sex is bad.
But it's also not the be-all end-all of life. There are a million things to do and experience and the past month has been so quick yet I've truly enjoyed how my celibacy has changed the dynamic of human interaction. I'm learning a lot there.
Again, however, it's also not about sex per se. It's about removing potential for sex and love and coupling from the equation completely.
Which has been enjoyable. Has been a relief.
As I've gotten older, I've felt the pressure to look for love weigh upon me more and more. To keep my head in the game. To keep giving chances no matter how many times my heart broke or I was treated terribly.
There's something with that. It meant that my interactions weren't organic, weren't natural, and my radar was skewed because of it.
I needed to reset how I thought. How I perceived people. How I interacted with the world.
So this is a reboot. Shutting down so that I can reset and when I boot that part of my life up again, I can see things in a fresh light.
After all, when in doubt, reboot.
Have you thrown up from my computer analogy yet?
Also: I haven't shaved anything. It's awesome.
Less than 60 days to go. I predict it will be too fast.
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22 comments mean you love me:
I think what you are doing is great. The whole hysterical "must-find-a-partner-now" sentiment that many have just ensures that you end up settling for less. If you take a step back and feel more centered then if and when you meet someone you can better judge if this is what you want. Anyway, the main thing is that YOU feel good and it seems like this was a great decision for you. Sex is a different story... don't you just love the fact that we women can have multiple-orgasms all by ourselves. :D
Um...where do I begin??
...
*ponder*
*attempt to think rationally without just type-shouting ARE YOU CRAZY, MY SWEET BLOG FRIEND? SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN LOVE OR RELATIONSHIPS. IT CAN JUST MEAN SEX. AND IT IS AWESOME.*
*Fail at that*
*Decide instead to try to be supportive*
Erm.
Good luck?
And...shall I send you a Spaniard (or three) to celebrate the end of this sex break?
90 More days???
*Trying not to faint*
*Failing...*
- B x
I am also on day 32. I am going to be the old dog man.
Nush- EXACTLY! it's about stepping back. re-evaluating. and yes! I can have more orgasms just on my own. hee!
B- you're sweet. I do know sex is not about love, doll. I am all for casual sex. but after attracting a LOT of assholes and douches and a stalker, I need to take myself out of the game and reevaluate. plus my gold vibe gives me better sex than any man has thus far. less than 60 days left. :) xo
OT- are you calling me old?
I think what Nush said sums it up perfectly. Taking the time to make sure you don't have to wake up everyday next to some asshole (which in NO way is my situation....lol) is a great thing to do for yourself. Also, loving yourself completely allows you to love your future intended Mr. or Ms. without holding back!
Sex, without love is often overrated, sex *with* love is fucking mind-blowingly fantastic!
I'm sure I'm going to be pummeled for saying this, but if the point is to not look for love or men to date, why not just, not date? Not have to look for 'love'? Not have to worry about the games?
But still have sex.
Love is not sex, sex is not love.
Sex is sex.
I get it. We as women inherently don't separate the two.
But a great sex life doesn't mean a great love life, or vice versa. I know this first hand.
And no 3 months of celibacy is nothing in the big scheme of things. And it is a delicious experiement.
But...
When you get to my point in life, where the sex hormones are winding down, and sex isn't as important, or mind blowing, or a very big part of who you are...you do have to appreciate that at 30 you're VavaVoom is at an all time high. You are heading into your peak sexual years. This is the time to embrace all that makes up your Sexy, Sex world.
Forget love for now...no worries.
But sex it up. As much as you can, as much as you want.
Sure sex with love is great.
But pure sex, where it's just about the act of sex, with nothing else involved; no 'is this the person for me? Are they going to call tomorrow? Should I be doing this?', is fantastic. Without all that 'other' stuff, the art of sex is center stage.
Why do you think masturbation is so good? Because it's done purely for pleasure. The same can be done with someone who's not your date, not your lover, not your potential Forever After. In fact, because they are NOT any of those things, you are free to just enjoy the act of sex in your Sexy Sex world.
I really get this. I think sometimes rebooting is the only thing that can get you back to feeling centered. Good for you for caring for yourself.
I think I missed the first post when you announced your celibacy. Was it before or after you won the gold plated vibrator? I'm kidding of course because this makes sense to a women. I'd like to see a 30 year old man try it (on purpose).
highly recommend shaving, otherwise you'll need hedge trimmers when you're ready to go back out there and get busy...
Bets- TOTALLY! <3
Z- I get that and you make a good point. I appreciate sex without love. this isn't just about love OR sex. because the thing is? I'm not having great sex. I'm attracting douchebags and stalkers. and I need a tiny bit of time off to fix my radar, so to speak. to figure out what I want and who I am.
KLZ- thanks so much, darlin'. you so get me.
Poppy- you nailed me (heehee). I decided after I got my vibe. and she and I are having a grand time! men don't know what they're missing.
Simone- hahahaha! that may just have to be. because this is glorious.
I'm on Day 31 of celibacy. I haven't shaved anything, either (except for a doctor appt. I had last week – bummer). But I'm in a long-distance relationship. So maybe you are, too, with someone awesome who you haven't met yet but will when you're ready to reboot.
oh you're so sweet! <3
You should read my most recent post (yes, I'm cringing at "pimping" a post).
I totally understand taking the sex out of things. It allows one to have a clear head and actually get to know someone (if there's someone worth getting to know).
You take as long as you need.
<3
I totally get this! I took a year off from dating after the douchemaster ex and I'm so glad I did! Of course I just said no to dating not the occasional make-out. The break helped tremendously though and I applaud you for going completely celibate.
Now my question: why do you have to shave when you are gettin a lil somethin' from someone other than your sexy self? I shave every so often when I feel like it, and my girlfriend doesn't seem to mind one bit. Is this different with guys? If so, tell them to shave all their body hair and see how they like it.
I'm so proud of you. You're taking care of yourself, allowing yourself time to heal and giving yourself a chance to start over, acting from choice, rather than habit.
The time will fly and all will be well. And I LOVE what AloneWithCats said. It's so Michael Buble...
Darling girl, I've been away for a few weeks of self-imposed internet celibacy to do some actual writing (with pencils! and paper!) and I return to find that you are declaring a different kind of celibacy. Well, I say kudos to you for finding the quintessential you again. Besides that, as the token "old broad" on here I can state as fact that sex in your forties is glorious. The best is yet to come, my dear. So fix your head and fix your heart, the glory days of sex are in your future.
While I haven't done it on purpose I have found myself in a similar situation because I am now divorced with two kids who never leave for the weekend. I won't even tell you how long it's been but 90 days is nothing.
you are amazing. you know what you're doing, just keep doing it. sounds silly but i think listening to yourself is a lost art. keep it up.
and if you need my to help you reboot.... *inappropriate eyebrows*
DJ- I so will. <3 ya!
Hutch- thanks for the solidarity!
Ali- I don't *have* to and most guys in the Portland really don't give a shit (except for one douche who is lucky to be alive). it's more my own hang-up and letting it go now has been liberating.
Dawn- oh I love ya much! thank you. thank you.
Jen- right? that's what I keep saying. it's nothing. I've gone much longer sans sex and dating, but never self-chosen. it's a great mindset.
becky my love- you have yourself a sexy deal!
So, I've never done the celibacy thing (purposely) and I think it's great because it's giving you what you need. Plus, I am all for the deviating from the norm. So all these people being like, WHAT!?! makes me think you should do it forever (not really) and talk about it.
I personally went through a year and a half of "dating" and, looking back, sleeping with people who weren't worth my time. Getting horny and satisfying some needs, finding out I wasn't really ready for sex and partnership, and then hating the interaction. I actually started dating someone who I didn't actually click with, but there was nothing technically wrong with him. It makes me want to barf that I got to that point. It was a lust for companionship, for someone in the bedroom and I got those things without actually getting what I wanted.
sooo, in my opinion, if you need time off from the bull shit of our world where life is about finding "your other half" then fuck yes is my policy.
Also... Dude. Seriously? Better sex with your Goldie? I'm not sure if 1- you should have better sex, 2- I would want a Goldie as it may lead to vibe > penis changes in... desires? Also, I have a vibe, but I feel like I've always had it as a filler... you know? Like when other things aren't available?
thanks so much, darlin'. maybe better sex wasn't the right term. better orgasms. but for me? it's not an either or thing. vibes just enhance. and with a guy who's open? sex toys don't just have to be for solo fun.
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