This post isn't exactly timely, but it's something I meant to talk about for some time. And well, no time like the present right?
Anywayyyyyyy,
I've always had a knack of attracting unavailable men. I don't like it this way. Don't scoff. I don't. I prefer to date men who are very much available, but these are not the men who find me. Something about my pheromones must call to men who are absolutely and completely unavailable.
But don't worry, ladies, I wouldn't lock up your men just yet. I don't go there. Celibacy stint aside, this is an ongoing problem for me. I'd like it to go away. Maybe I need antibiotics or something.
I don't know what it is, but I must emit something that makes taken men think that I'd be okay with a little side action. That I'd be okay with being "that girl." Well I'm not. I don't mean guys who are dating other women casually. I mean men who are clearly tied down. They find me. I don't know how they do it, but they do.
And it's not like they give me a chance to be disgusted. It's not like these guys are ever about full disclosure. They don't mention their girlfriends or fiancées or wives. No they do not. They flirt. They get cozy. They act like it's perfectly okay for them to behave as if they're completely unattached single gents. So what's a girl to think?
It never comes out until later (But don't worry. I've never actually kissed or slept with these roving men. I wouldn't do that.) that they're in committed relationships. And it ALWAYS takes me by surprise. It shouldn't. It really shouldn't. With my track record, I should just ask every penis I meet if he's single at the outset, though I really don't want to do that because I don't know that I even like a guy at the outset and I wouldn't want them to think I'm interested if I'm not. Does that make sense?
But I ask you: what would you think? I think these guys have no business flirting. I think I wish I had all their gals' phone numbers so I could make courtesy calls letting them know how flirty their men are.
I don't think it's right. I don't. And I'm not naive or dense. I do know the difference between flirting and being friendly. I do. I have plenty of great guy friends who don't flirt with me. I know it's possible for these guys to dial it back.
Maybe these dudes think it's harmless. Maybe they know the flirting will never go anywhere (I hope) so it's a free pass to have a little fun.
But what about me? My feelings? Do they think I like feeling a little led on? That I like meeting a nice, interesting guy who acts really into me only to find out they're taken and have been behaving like a douchecanoe? That's not fun. It's exhausting. And I'm never, ever interested in being "that girl." Nope. Not ever gonna happen. Noppetty nope.
Or what about their ladies? Do they even think about how it will make them feel to know their partners are flirting it up?
What about me makes these guys think I think that's okay? That I'm game for that?
*shudder*
Dial it back, guys. Dial it back.
And don't even get me started on the emotionally unavailable men. The commitmentphobes. THAT'S a blog post for another day.
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18 comments mean you love me:
"Maybe I need antibiotics or something." Hahaha! Maybe that is the new pharmasuitical cash-cow.
Sounds more like the guys need a good kick up the rear. Most people flirt a little (unless you are Italian and then it is a very interesting game) and that is one thing but when the flirt turns into a full on "come hither" then I believe a line is crossed.
It is disrespectful to their partners and to you.
If only there was a way to suss these guys out easily... Think we have to figure out a way.
My problem is I end up in the friend zone...
This is one of the reasons that I dont believe in relationships.
I simply don't believe that a person who has spent considerable time with another person doesn't feel the need to ensure they've "still got it" from time to time. It's just human nature to want to feel attractive to the opposite sex.
The trouble comes about when the person testing the waters (even gingerly, with no intention of actually jumping in) finds someone UNLIKE you, who is game for "side action".
I wish I had a solution for you, sweetness, but I'm afraid I don't. I suffer similarly, in that my rather lose moral code does have strong restrictions on sleeping with married men.
I'm sure I have failed, unknowingly, before and that, sadly, is one of the dangers hen one is single in their 30s.
Blech. Depressing, eh?
B x
Jebus are you me on the other side of the country? How do you DO that? ;)
I have large issues with unavailable men as well as commitmentphobes.
I actually dated a man for over a month only to find out he was getting married in a month! He and his fiance didn't live together to "do things the right way". Yeah, I pulled a muscle rolling my eyes too. I even met his friends. A solid bunch right there.
A round of z packs for us all!
Fine... I'll move up there.
All you had to do was ask.
You could form an undercover agency where women hire you to test the strength of their marriage. :)
Nush- women need to start marking their territory like animals apparently. hah!
Savage- then pluck up the courage and ask!
Barreness- yes! I am all for casual sex, but refuse to be with a married man. refuse. it's such a challenge. blech.
Jerrod- well it's about time!
Liz- yes! brilliant!! I could use the cash too. :)
You and I are living the same life I swear.. I have been lead on before and feel very bad for the women who are married to these guys. if you want to play the field then get out of the dugout.. ugh.. Single for me I do not think there are any honest ones out there!!!!
I know a lot of people, both men and women, who are flirty by nature but these men that come on to you are crossing a line. I have no respect for men who cross that line and I have even less respect for their ladies on the side. I don't understand how you could even let yourself go there. It's something that honestly baffles me. That "friend" from work that we discussed the other night is dating (read sleeping with) a married man twice her age. Yucko.
When you figure out what it is, let me know because I seem to have the same affliction.
TalkativeTaurus.com
"these guys have no business flirting." Exactly. To put it nicely, they're shitbags.
I try not to be a man-hater. I do try very hard. And then I read about their shitty antics, and I think, "Ugh, men!"
And the truth is, I don't even want boy cats.
This here is one of the reasons why I wrote a post about man vs. minion. I have a feeling you will enjoy it!
I love the comments on this too:
"Unless he's Italian" - a swift kick in the balls is the only "back off" they understand
And dearest alone with cats.. boy cats are the biggest sucks ever. You should get one some day :)
K- dude. the honest ones are def a needle in a haystack for sure!
Lauren- the more I hear about this girl, the more I think she wouldn't be a good friend. keep it professional, darlin'. <3 to you!
Krissy- will do. :)
Doc- nicely put!
Jess- dude. they make it hard to be nice about them, don't they? but in defense of boy cats, my Hobbes is so freaking sweet. doesn't bite or scratch. he's a big, sweet lug. but he is smelly.
Lex- Italian or French! hah! <3
You mentioned that you don't find out about the girlfriends or wives until "later," but you also say that you've never been physical with any of these taken men and "wouldn't do that." How do you know that you haven't been physical with anyone who has been married? Maybe they just didn't tell you and you never came to find out?
Also, I think saying you "wouldn't do that" implies that you opt not to involve yourself with these men and are aware that they are flirting or otherwise trying to romantically engage a woman who is not his significant other. But... you say you "never have the chance to be disgusted."
I'm curious: At what point do you think we release ourselves as women from the subjugation we endure from the evanescence the vapor-cloud-like emotional aggression of men?
I'm with you on how outright misogynistic it is for men to flex their flirting muscles for unsuspecting women, but you seemed to contradict yourself by saying that you "don't know that I even like a guy at the outset and I wouldn't want them to think I'm interested if I'm not"... but then end up feeling misled? Why feel misled if you don't even like the gentleman who is tapping on your proverbial door, or have any emotional investment (if this is what I'm hearing you say) in a guy until you know him well enough to know that he is involved in another relationship.
I could understand your ego being bruised, though. It's hard to not feel good enough to be approached by a man who is honestly interested in pursuing a straightforward relationship with you, while he himself is unattached and ready. And emotional UNavailability? SO HARD. I feel you, sister!
I bet you could use your skills and creativity as a photographer to do an installment (in a very Robert Frank motif) to engage the duality of the internal/external illusion of emotional connectedness.
- D
I think maybe I just wasn't clear. when I say "later," I don't mean after sex. often it's just later in the evening when a friend brings up his girlfriend, etc. I haven't had so many one night stands that this would be an issue there. I can concede that a guy I had a long term sexual relationship with may have had a secret or girlfriend. I guess that's possible, but that's not what I mean. what I mean is I'm out in the world, seemingly meet nice guys who flirt with me, and then find out they're unavailable.
it's not so much my ego as it is exhausting. it's too much freaking energy weeding through these dudes who don't feel the need to bring up their attachment. you know? it gets old.
so that's what I meant. I'm not ending up in bed or starting relationships with attached men.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. (Probably just my confusion?) I understand and of course you aren't being led into mutiny by sleeping with strangers! It's nice to see a woman whose keen self-awareness probably keeps her from being too hastily involved in affairs which are surely insubstantial.
well, as with anything in writing, there is always room for interpretation. I should have been more clear. what? you're not in my head?
but thank you. really. I do try hard to be discerning and aware. maybe that's what comes by 30, or maybe I'm just anal retentive. :)
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