Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Just Say No

I have a confession to make.

I have a new addiction.

This addiction is inexplicable because logically I shouldn't even like it. Logically I hate it.

But addiction defies logic does it not?

The other day, Netflix decided to present to me 5 seasons of evil. 5 seasons of a show I'd never before encountered, all now on instant play.



What is this evil? It is twenty minute segments of not just reality TV (but I'll get to that train wreck in a second), but all that is diabolical and decadent in bridal gown shopping. And. I. Cannot. Stop. Watching.

So why would a woman such as myself be sucked into such a display of hideous ridiculousness? A woman who, by all accounts, despises most everything about "traditional" weddings because of what it all symbolizes. That being property exchange and the idea that a woman is a package to be wrapped up prettily and handed over, all in the guise of romance and fairy tales.

I am diametrically opposed to tulle and corsets and hoops and rhinestones. I think a train on anything other than a track is sorely mistaken.  I hate veils and tiaras, dresses named after mermaids and trumpets and sweethearts.
seriously? she looks like a scrunchy.
Don't get me wrong. I would like to get married at some point. I would. And I don't begrudge you your fairy tale wedding. Whatever makes you happy yo.

But it wouldn't be right for me. At all. It's just not how I'd do it. I'd rather pull out my own toenails and serve them in a stew.

Which is pretty awful, if you ask me.

I'm pretty attached to my toenails.

And then there's the reality TV component. As a rule, I despise reality TV. I briefly worked for a reality TV production company and for VH1 a teensy bit back in 2004. I feel like that qualifies me to preach that if you don't see through the ruse just by watching, once you see behind the scenes a bit, how can you buy that shit? It's utter and total crap.

But this show? Has sucked me in.
eighties music video?
You know why? It makes me feel better about myself.

No matter what I have going on, no matter what's happening on my skin or thighs, no matter what stupid things I say, at least I'm not a bridezilla or maidzilla or mother of the bride or even father of the bride terrorizing the world over thousands of dollars of fabric and beading.

pretty sure this dress was in Showgirls
It seems so ridiculous to me. Therefore I can't get enough.

It's utterly delicious. 

Next time? I'll tell you all about all the many times I've been a bridesmaid. Or how I feel about the diamond trade. Or gay marriage. Or why,  if that day comes, god won't have any place at my wedding.

AKA even more reasons why women everywhere want to burn me at the stake.

25 comments mean you love me:

Sunshine said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Andy, you have done it again!!! Get outta my head!!! Glad to know someone else shares my less than enthusiastic views on the traditional, expensive, bridezillla god fearing wedding.

Unfortunately, I tried the married thing and am now divorced but my wedding didn't cost tens of thousands of dollars and my dress cost me fifty bucks in a vintage thrift store. I got married barefoot in a field of wild flowers. As a wedding present my cousin who is a chef catered it all and we just had a big party. It was actually pretty simple and amazing regardless of the outcome ten years later.

What amazed me the most was that while I was raised catholic, my fiance and I didn't want god to be a part of our marriage because we believed the day was more about the love between us and the lives we were about to share as opposed to making promises to the main character from the greatest story ever told (seems completely ridiculus in those terms doesn't it?), anyway, what amazed me was that no one seemed to mind that we weren't in a church.

If I had it to do all over again, I would do it exactly the same. That day remains in my heart as the best day of my life. So far.

Second best day, however, was the the day the divorce was final. (tee-hee)

Great post. Have a fantastic day.

Lance said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm a dude so I don't give two craps about this show or these dresses. i want some dirt on this reality production company and Vh1 from 2004.

I made it pretty far in the casting in the casting for Real World Los Angeles in 1992/93. I wrote about it on my blog last year. Interested in your experiences.

Random Girl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It seems that this show does to you what Jersey Shore does to me. I always feel much better about myself after watching a good trainwreck "smoosh" or fall down drunk.
Lance, I am so jealous about your reality tv brush. I still say, even to this very day, that I was born to be on the Real World, the early seasons. I totally should have. I feel slightly less complete as a person having not been. Oh well.

christy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I like you/this blog more and more every time you post. I especially liked the way you said "god won't have any place at my wedding".

Also. I would say I'm mildly addicted to House Hunters/Property Virgins, two shows about people buying houses... and I have no idea why, as they are not really my style at all.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sunshine- you're awesome and your wedding sounds lovely. but congrats on your divorce? hah! <3

Lance- I worked in TV much after you were there. we did spoofy reality shows, not Real World, though I did have a run-in with the Real World New Orleans cast once. I'll tell that story sometime.

Random- yeah that's it! like watching a train wreck.

christy- thank you! it's funny how these shows suck us in. <3

Aimee said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Never seen the show, but now I'm thinking I must. I got married when I was 17 and the only reason I didn't wear jeans at the courthouse was because my mother planned the whole wedding and dragged me to the mall to buy a dress. MOST.UNCOMFORTABLE.THING.EVER. I'm so glad I didn't have girls. I'm with you, I despise everything weddings stand for, especially the whole "princess" mentality it fosters in women. Worse than that is when I hear women say their wedding day was the best day of their lives. Frankly, that's kinda sad.

Liz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

HAHAHAHA! Andy! You are the LAST girl I ever imagined getting sucked into a show like this! :)

Lizzy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dude, this show is awesomesauce. I try not to watch it, but its a total train wreck. Those poor women with all the crazy people they bring. ha.

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It took me a LONG time to get to the place of marriage does not necessarily equal evil for all the reasons you mentioned. Love it.

Also, unlike my SUPER TERRIBLE, HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE comment on FB the other day, you're well-balanced enough to recognize that just because it's not for you (and/or you may find it deplorable), you're not demonizing others for having a differing opinion, which is another reason why you're awesome sauce (and why I need to learn a few more lessons in this world).

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hahaha well we can all have a few contradictory addictions..no?

The whole wedding thing freaks me out a little. I have no problems with anyone else's weddings...just the thought of having one myself. Been engaged for over 6 years and I could happily stay engaged for years to come. Common law marriage anyone?

Just the thought stresses me out. If I had all the money in the world I would have a fab party and all just the way I want it (not traditionally by the way) but as I am not loaded there are too many compromises and discussions etc etc...no joy in that. Engaged is easier and the money can be spent on holidays instead. :D

TheTraveler said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Like you, I'm not really fussed about god, church, and the wedding 'change of ownership' rituals.

That said, I did do the big wedding, with the big family to do, and the big dress, and the big party and blab, blab, blappity blab. I've also done the small, second time around deal, just parents & close friends, simple, no god, no church, just til death do you part.

But I will say this as a case for having a wedding, even if it's not your thing; my first wedding is still one of the best days of my life, a moment in time that everything in the universe just came together and made this incredible day for everyone to enjoy (ok, so that was all of my good planning). And to this day, people still talk about the jolly good time we all had some 20 years ago.

My second wedding was pretty darn good too, especially seeing as we had 2 of them, one for my family (while we were in NZ) and one for all of our friends (CA). How many brides can say they wore their wedding dress Twice?!

And that's the beauty of the second time around, the only person you have to please, is yourself.

And maybe that's the draw of that show, nothing plays louder then the screaming social expectations of women and marriage (except to then have kids) and that their wedding sets the tone for a lifetime of fulfilling expectations.

Lindsey said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ha ha ha... Used to work with the narrator of that show. He has to get so excited about tuille.

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I don't know how I feel about weddings to be honest...I mean I had one, it was awesome, but not the best day of my life. It was a great party. I do want to have a renewal someday, just to reaffirm my commitment to this partnership. But if it were not for us stranding up in front of God and our family and friends and making a vow to each other it would have been really easy for me to just walk away from him when times were rough. It's kind of like, I made this promise for better or worse dammit!
People can be stupid and judgemental about shit all they want but I certianly don't hate you for having your ideals anymore than you would hate me for mine about weddings and such...to be frank, it would be weird for you to want the big huge princess-y white wedding. But a killer par-tay? That's what I'm talking about.
*muah*

lex [lexinthecity] said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My parents never got married so I don't know if I will ever need to. Marriage complicates things in my mind. But if I DO decide.. it will be a party, celebration, and God will not be there at mine either.
Also, I can't watch most reality shows either. I tried watching Jersey Shore and wanted to adjust my TV because they were so orange.

Yuliya said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Now why on earth are you watching this show when there is wonderful programming like Toddlers and Tiaras available?

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Aimee- right? I feel like it should be about the marriage, not the wedding. yes?

Liz- I know! it's awful. so awful.

Jackie- that is the sweetest thing. you made me feel a little like a role model or something. way to boost my ego! <3

Nush- I feel like that too. if I have money, I'd rather spend it on more important things than a big party.

Z- as always, you are so wise. I'd love a nice party and all, but I don't want to stress out over just one day. :)

Linds- THAT is hilarious. that poor guy. I've often wondered about him and this insane gig.

Betts- love you so much! you know me so well. for the record, your wedding was lovely and low key and your dress was tasteful and beautiful. <3

lex- yes! I think if/when I do, I just want a fun, chill party. very low key. I've never been able to watch Jersey Shore. scares me. hah!

Yuliya- dude. I cannot watch that show because the moms remind me too much of MY mom! same with that Hoarders show. makes me ill.

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Either you are my doppleganger/twinsie/bff, or you'r peaking into my windows again. I was working on a post about prom dresses (ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little) and picking out pics of outrageous dresses with tuille overload and 97 pounds of beading. Please cross your fingers that I survive the teen prom season without duct taping the offspring into the hall closet.

PS. Lurve this post!

we hate you. love, us said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh my goodness, that show sucks me in! When I was planning my wedding, my future MIL would tape it and say "oh, on THIS episode they had THIS dress and it was LOVELY. You HAVE to see it"...it was terrible. And she hated me for not letting her see my dress before my wedding. She totally wanted that moment in the store when I found "the" dress (which, BTW, I don't think happens. It's not like the heavens open up and it's all ahhhhh.) That show is crazy...but once I get it on, I can't turn away.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dawn- I admit. I'm peeking through your windows. ugg, prom dresses are JUST as bad. even when I went to prom, I did a very nontraditional, understated dress. good luck!

B&V-dude. what is it with the crazy MILs? <3 to you!

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

If I could stream movies and TV on Netflix (I'm too cheap to pay for internet when I can "borrow" it from the university across the street), I'd never leave the house. Which would be awesome for my cats.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

yes! the cats love it when I'm in bed watching netflix all day. love. it.

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i do this too - get addicted to shows i should logically hate.
and now i feel compelled to watch this show a bit...
if i get addicted i'll blame youuu!
: ]

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

blame away, my dear. it's an awful yet delicious addiction.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I had that addiction to. I broke myself of it. It was difficult though.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

let's be strong together! as soon as I finish seasons 4 and 5.

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