Sunday, October 31, 2010

that one time I got engaged

As I was absent last week, I missed the Words of a Wanton Woman topic. And since I'm a stubborn biotch, I'm writing about last week's topic today. So there.

I was engaged once.

Yup. Was. Honest to blog.

I'll wait for your shock to subside.

I knew Joe (not his real name) in high school. He was my friend's pesky younger brother. Apparently he had a crush on me back then. But I just thought he was irritating.

I met him again in May of 2005. I had just been through one of the toughest years of my life and was in a very vulnerable place emotionally and looking back? I think Joe spotted that. He found a girl who feeling low and moved right in.

Since this post is supposed to be about his proposal, I'll just briefly say how Joe was by far one of the worst guys I dated. He was controlling and manipulative and moved much too fast for my comfort but he had convinced me we were meant for each other and that I wouldn't do better and because I was so wounded from the prior year's events, I believed him.

Side note: Joe never hit me. But I understand now how perfectly intelligent and strong women can end up in an abusive relationship. These kinds of men find you when you're at your lowest and take advantage of that.

Anyway, he even moved in without asking me. It began as long distance and he went to school near me. So it started with overnight bags then a drawer of stuff and then before I knew it, he lived there. I felt trapped but didn't do anything about it.

We had discussed getting engaged, had even looked at rings (I of course didn't want a real diamond because we all know how I feel about the diamond trade), but I'd thought we were looking for some point way in the future when we both felt ready.

And I guess he was ready. Even though it had only been like 4 or 5 months.

It was his birthday and I don't even remember what I bought him, but it was in a large gift bag with lots of tissue paper. He fumbled around with the bag for like 3 minutes until I was thinking, Can he not find it? Pretty sure I put a gift in there.

He pulled out a velvet box and asked me point blank would I marry him.

I sat confused for a good minute.

Thought, I do not want to marry this guy.

And then I said yes.

Brilliant, I am.

And then I stared at my hand in shock and something akin to horror for a few days until I had a panic attack and gave him back the ring.

We didn't break up. Lasted another six months or so. Until I finally had the courage to break it off.

But he managed to make my life hell for some months after that. But that's a story for another day.

Pee ess? Therapy is a beautiful thing. I highly recommend it.

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8 comments mean you love me:

TheTraveler said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Not surprised that you've been engaged, or that it was to a douchebag of a guy (us smart, strong gals have ALL made THAT mistake). What does surprise me, is that a smart,witty, fun, independant man has not stepped up to the crazy plate and hit a home run in Andyland. While I fully understand that good men are hard to find (one who can not only handle but thrive in a relationship with an intelligent, quick witted, complex, independant but still fully commited long term relationship woman) it seems surprising that one of the "good ones" has not tracked down the treasure trove that is Andygirl!

Miley (woman:confused) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

ohhh, I know that scenario!! Once upon a time, when I was engaged to a crazy person, I had a similar situation. HE was ready, I wasn't, he had our life planned out, blah blah blah. I ran off to college, he stalked me... good times!
I also completely understand how a "normal" woman can be in an abusive relationship AND how you can "oops" get engaged. Therapy is a beautiful thing, is it not?

Oh, and a friend of mine also went through the same thing with a guy... and now she is unhappily married and feels trapped because she cannot afford to live on her own and take care of a disabled child. Be glad you were strong enough to call it off!! :)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh you guys are awesome! makes me feel better that others have been there.

Zea- you're so sweet. I guess I don't know either. 'tis a mystery.

Colleen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A friend of mine went through something similar: dated a super control freak that didn't even like the idea of her having male friends, got engaged to him, and then he cheated on her right before he went to Afghanistan to fight! She found out and kicked his sorry butt out. One of the best decisions she's ever made. And now? She's married and they have the cutest baby in the world.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Awww....therapy. I might need some now.... ;0 Not because of my relationship. Just because I'm insane.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

haha! you and me both, love.

bitethebedbugs said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm glad you broke it off. I was in a shitty relationship too, with an abuser. He did hit me, but it started similarly to yours - controlling, manipulative, etc. etc. I wrote about it on my blog for domestic violence month. I suspect he would have hit you eventually. I'm glad you broke it off. And I'm glad I found your blog!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

bedbugs,

welcome and thanks for reading! I am so glad you got out of a toxic relationship too. it feels impossible, when you're in it. but it is possible to be happy and strong again! :D

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