Wednesday, October 27, 2010

shit just got real

Have you guys missed me?

I'm still sans computer (borrowing my roommates' as they are out for the evening) for the 7th day in a row and it's making me lose my ever lovin' mind! You know, more than usual.

It's ridic. The Apple store told me 3-5 days to get my computer back and I've been checking with them since day 5. How long does it take to repair this apparently tiny problem? I swear to all things unholy! And it's not just the lack of amusement I miss (though the distraction from the stress of my cat's cancer would be great), But I make my living off my computer. So I'm also losing money.

I also got the results of Jete's biopsy. Fibrosarcoma. Her appointment with the oncologist isn't until a week from Saturday. She's healing well (she's been in some pain from the biopsy) and is groggy and sleeping a lot. It's hard to see my outgoing cat sleep in the closet all day or under my bed, but I'm trying to leave her be. It breaks my heart though.

Yesterday, it all accumulated and I literally thought I might lose it. One of my best friends, Morgan, called to talk about her upcoming wedding details (yay! I can finally say something!) and a huge part of me wanted to be giggly and happy and the friend she needs (and I'm sooooooo happy for her!), but I was feeling so low that I started feeling a little schizo faking it. She deserves genuine laughs and I couldn't supply those.

I couldn't brave face it anymore. Couldn't hold anything in. I just flipped out. Cried my ass off for a bit. Turned off my phone.

Then I turned it back on and called my older cousin who'd lost her pug to brain cancer a few years ago. She let me cry, empathised as only someone who has lost a pet can, and gave me some really practical advice. Then she told me to let myself have a drink and relax and be a little selfish.

Best. Advice. Ever.

So I drove and bought some Fat Tires (because I drink so little I didn't have some wine or beer in the house), waited 15 minutes while the cashier told me his life story, bought a nice, greasy cheeseburger, and came home and indulged while I watched some movies (the old fashioned way, on an actual TV!). Sometimes it's the little indulgences.

I awoke this morning feeling sooo much better. Life is the same. Jete still has cancer. My computer is still in the mac hospital. I'm still broke as fuck and trying to figure out how I will fund my life and Jete's treatment. But I really needed to cry and feel shitty and then have a good beer and some fatty food and turn off my brain before I would feel better.

But you guys have been so insanely, unbelievably supportive. Thank you so much for the lovely comments and emails and tweets. And to those who have donated, I appreciate every dollar more than you'll ever know! You guys are so generous even when you can only give a little or your own pets are sick. Your unbridled support and generosity has completely floored me, humbled me. You renew my faith in humanity.

A word on prayers: my dad (who is Mormon) said he'd pray for Jete and then added: also to Buddha or whoever it is you want me to pray to! Isn't that cute? But here's the thing. I appreciate your prayers. Your good thoughts. Your positive energy. I may not believe in a god. But I believe in good will. Whoever you pray to is just what my furbaby needs. It doesn't matter that we all believe in different things; what matters is the kind act. Whether it's a prayer or not. So thank you.

If you're still interested in donating, the box is still up there and will remain up until her treatment is paid for. Even if you cannot give, I appreciate your support, advice, kind words. I'm looking for others online whose cats (or dogs) have had vaccine-related sarcomas. If you hear of anyone, please point them my way. I'd like to hear how they treated their pets.

17 comments mean you love me:

TheTraveler said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Here's the thing about pets & cancer, they often surprise us. Our vet gave my 14+ year old dog 3 months to live when they diagnosed his throat cancer. We decided not to treat the cancer because he was old and it seemed that quality of life (not being shuttled back & forth to the vet & stuck with needles ) was more inportant then quantity at that point. He died a year & a half later of old age, not cancer.

You do your best, put your faith in the process and let life find its way. Whatever happens, happens with the support of those that love you.

Lynnette said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Good thoughts and energy to Jete.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thinking about you and Jete!!!

Sarah P said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sending prayers and good juju Jete's way.

Your cousin's advice was fantastic.

steff said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i've been away from the computer for a bit myself, for different reasons but im just starting to catch up on all things innernet related now. jete is most DEFINITELY in my thoughts. you have a tough kitty, i believe she will karate chop that cancer in its balls. don't forget to do good things for yourself to keep your spirits high. it seems simple but it's super important and super easy to forget.
<3

Boonie S said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

My thoughts are with you right now.

Best wishes, Boonie

Portland Dad said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hope shit turns around soon, and I like you outlook on people praying in light of your own beliefs. Recognizing their attempts to connect and comfort instead of pushing them away because of the differences is an awesome stance to have.

Eman said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

All good thoughts coming your way love.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thank you all so so much for your kind thoughts and comments! much love to you!

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh, sweetie. We're all here for you. I'm glad you took time for yourself. You'll need it.

we hate you. love, us said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

*hugs*

I lost my dog to cancer a few years ago and words cannot begin to explain how it feels. I'm sending you and Jete lots of love.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, B&V and Sun! your love means a lot. *hugs*

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i know this situation totally sucks, but there are lots of people who care, and i think that's awesome.
i would kill to have the same!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

you are so right! friends make all the difference in the world.

Biz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sometimes a good cry or getting lost in something other than reality, is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hugs to you.

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Lately I've been thinking about Jete just as much as my own cats. And that's *a lot.*

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jete and I thank you! tomorrow will be a big day.

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