shit just got real

Have you guys missed me?

I'm still sans computer (borrowing my roommates' as they are out for the evening) for the 7th day in a row and it's making me lose my ever lovin' mind! You know, more than usual.

It's ridic. The Apple store told me 3-5 days to get my computer back and I've been checking with them since day 5. How long does it take to repair this apparently tiny problem? I swear to all things unholy! And it's not just the lack of amusement I miss (though the distraction from the stress of my cat's cancer would be great), But I make my living off my computer. So I'm also losing money.

I also got the results of Jete's biopsy. Fibrosarcoma. Her appointment with the oncologist isn't until a week from Saturday. She's healing well (she's been in some pain from the biopsy) and is groggy and sleeping a lot. It's hard to see my outgoing cat sleep in the closet all day or under my bed, but I'm trying to leave her be. It breaks my heart though.

Yesterday, it all accumulated and I literally thought I might lose it. One of my best friends, Morgan, called to talk about her upcoming wedding details (yay! I can finally say something!) and a huge part of me wanted to be giggly and happy and the friend she needs (and I'm sooooooo happy for her!), but I was feeling so low that I started feeling a little schizo faking it. She deserves genuine laughs and I couldn't supply those.

I couldn't brave face it anymore. Couldn't hold anything in. I just flipped out. Cried my ass off for a bit. Turned off my phone.

Then I turned it back on and called my older cousin who'd lost her pug to brain cancer a few years ago. She let me cry, empathised as only someone who has lost a pet can, and gave me some really practical advice. Then she told me to let myself have a drink and relax and be a little selfish.

Best. Advice. Ever.

So I drove and bought some Fat Tires (because I drink so little I didn't have some wine or beer in the house), waited 15 minutes while the cashier told me his life story, bought a nice, greasy cheeseburger, and came home and indulged while I watched some movies (the old fashioned way, on an actual TV!). Sometimes it's the little indulgences.

I awoke this morning feeling sooo much better. Life is the same. Jete still has cancer. My computer is still in the mac hospital. I'm still broke as fuck and trying to figure out how I will fund my life and Jete's treatment. But I really needed to cry and feel shitty and then have a good beer and some fatty food and turn off my brain before I would feel better.

But you guys have been so insanely, unbelievably supportive. Thank you so much for the lovely comments and emails and tweets. And to those who have donated, I appreciate every dollar more than you'll ever know! You guys are so generous even when you can only give a little or your own pets are sick. Your unbridled support and generosity has completely floored me, humbled me. You renew my faith in humanity.

A word on prayers: my dad (who is Mormon) said he'd pray for Jete and then added: also to Buddha or whoever it is you want me to pray to! Isn't that cute? But here's the thing. I appreciate your prayers. Your good thoughts. Your positive energy. I may not believe in a god. But I believe in good will. Whoever you pray to is just what my furbaby needs. It doesn't matter that we all believe in different things; what matters is the kind act. Whether it's a prayer or not. So thank you.

If you're still interested in donating, the box is still up there and will remain up until her treatment is paid for. Even if you cannot give, I appreciate your support, advice, kind words. I'm looking for others online whose cats (or dogs) have had vaccine-related sarcomas. If you hear of anyone, please point them my way. I'd like to hear how they treated their pets.