Sunday, August 1, 2010

Phenomenal Fail, otherwise entitled: I am a total asshole

Fail #1: I am a complete asshole.

Warning: this is not a funny post.

So after I was a total and phenomenal asshole this morning, I walked to my new, favorite coffee shop to sip tea and write. See, I'm not much of a journaler. In my opinion, not much I write is worth shit unless I've written it for an audience of some kind. Unless I've written it to be read. Of course, this could be another sign of my assholeyness (assholyness?), because who am I to assume that anything I write is readable at all?

But I digress.

I do occasionally write in a journal, however. Usually when I have something swirling around in my brain and I don't have a computer nearby to download it all. Or when I have a situation I want to write about for my own sanity and it involves another person and I don't think it's appropriate to flay on my blog for the Internet and its mother to see. So I typically carry small journals around. I have several, but I tend to use whichever is handy, so I bet someone a hundred years from now will try to make sense of them and put them in some chronological order and fail miserably. Nice try buddy, try living in my head; it's just as messy. (AGAIN, acting like an asshole, assuming someone will even read what I've written 100 years from now.)

Anywayyyyy, so I went to write. But I had forgotten a journal. Not one did I bring. Fail # 2.

So I sipped my huge mug of Jasmine tea and wrote my journal entry in my head. And I came to some pretty hefty conclusions (makes me really miss my therapist). The following is what I would have written if I hadn't had my fucking head up my ass today.

Disclaimer: I am not fishing for compliments here. I do not call myself an asshole to get your attention and beg you to tell me how nice I am. So please let me continue. 

I am an asshole. I didn't realize I was, but I am. I am a totally selfish asshole. Me me me. That's all I think about. What about me? My feelings? Poor fucking me. Wah wah wah. Shut up, Andrea.

I think that I had some shitty cards dealt in my life, so I must apparently think that makes it okay to treat others like shit as well. To think the shit world revolves around me and my shit.

And because I've had some major assholes in my life, I expect everyone else I know to be an asshole as well (not on the surface, but I'm pretty sure I expect most people to show their true colors eventually). But what has happened is that I end up acting the hugest asshole of all. Isn't that just brilliant?

But that's no excuse.

I don't care how much shit I've been through. Really, it doesn't matter, because everyone has their shit and the crap cards dealt them. Everyone suffers. And my shit isn't anymore relevant. And it isn't a free card to assume the worst in others, especially those I care the most about. I always thought I assumed the best in others, but I think I was just deluding myself into a happy bubble where I am good and everyone wants to hurt me. Goddamn, don't I just sound like the hugest fucking asshole you've ever met? Someone slap me!

BUT, and a very big but indeed, there are people in my life that I care very, very much about. That I hold in my heart whether they want to be there or not. And it is not my intention to hurt them. Ever. And yet I do. I think. Maybe it's assholey of me to assume that I have the power to hurt them. But either way, it's not my intention to behave like a selfish bitch. I need to stop that already.

I'm clearly insane and there should be caution tape around me at all times.

How did I get here? How is it that I turn 30 in one month and 4 days and I'm still such a social retard? That I lack the capacity to treat people with common decency and kindness? Seriously. I want to know.

I hereby swear to stop behaving like a selfish asshole from here on out. If I do, I hereby give my permission to anyone within striking distance to hit me. As hard as they can. I  mean it. I need to stop this shit already.

Here's the lesson of the day, kiddies: treat others like shit and end up alone.

16 comments mean you love me:

Paul and Kerry said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

wow. I really don't think you are an asshole. I really don't think the reason you haven't had success at love has nothing to do with assholeness (like that?). I truly believe that meeting and being with the "right" person is fate. the fact that you are aware of what you think are flaws, is huge. I am really hard on myself too so I know. But I would totally be your bestie and I don't like assholes.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks. that's kind of you. I *do* like "assholeness." think I may use it profusely in future.

you've got a point. a friend said to me today: if you're not being a hypocrite, you're not doing it right.

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think the twenties are an ego-centric time, because that's the time everyone tries to figure out the kind of person they want to be. Kudos to you for figuring it out. Some never do. Don't confuse assholeyness with self-preservation. Sometimes they can seem like the same thing. Good luck and keep thinking. You'll figure it out.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks, Dawn.

I took think I took self-preservation and used it as license to behave like an asshole.

soccermom said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Do you think that sometimes the reason behind being an "asshole" is cause it is a way of keeping ppl at a distance?

I havent seen a therapist in a really long time, but I think with my current problems with my sportsman that maybe just maybe I need to go back.

Everyone deserves to have a shit day once in awhile.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

yeah I think that's part of it.

I really miss my therapist.

you're right. everyone deserves a shit day, but I shouldn't have caused someone else's shit day.

we hate you. love, us said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Assholeyness, I like it. I must quote you in the future.

I get what you're talking about. I think deep down, everyone has at least some assholeyness to them. Is that bad to say? There are totally days when I'm pissed off at the world, so I'm a bitch and therefore act out against someone else. It's very "me, me, me" of me which is awful. In the comment above you said "everyone deserves a shit day, but I shouldn't have caused someone else's shit day." That's something that I need to keep in mind more often.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

quote away, friend! I may also quote your: it's very me me me of me. that was awesome word sauce!

yeah, it's hard to keep in perspective when I'm being a bitch in my head, but when I'm an asshole to a friend (or even an innocent stranger), that's not cool. I'm really going to try to keep my selfish bitch tendencies in check.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hmmm . . . so far, not an asshole.

Also, I tend to think that people who think of themselves as assholes/selfish/jerks/etc. are NOT simply by dint of the fact that they are self-reflective enough to look at their behavior and realize that they are lacking.

It's easy to be hard on yourself. It's much, much harder to accept that you are flawed and move on with that.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, Sun. you make a good point.

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Someone was recently an asshole to me. And I wonder if maybe someone once was an asshole to her, and she was just paying it forward.

I'm not an asshole, though. Her treating me that way won't change that. I won't let her change that. But now I'm a bit more suspicious of other people. A bit less willing to trust. And a bit less willing to trust myself – because why didn't I see it coming, you know?

So, my asshole didn't make me an asshole. But she did make me start to suspect everyone else is. And honestly, I don't know what's worse.

P.S. Sorry for hijacking your blog and making it all about ME. ME. ME. But I think I needed to type this somewhere.)

P.P.S. The word captcha I got was "stings." Oh, irony.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

my darling cat lady,

sometimes you just need to let it out. if we lived in the same city (or even the same time zone), I would buy you a drink and listen to whatever you needed to say. and then we'd laugh about it. because I dearly love to laugh.

hugs

steff said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i know just what you mean. i think we all have the tendency to be assholes but it says a LOT that you acknowledge it and want to change it. PLUS? the real assholes are the ones who have never considered their behavior as "holey-ness".
for me, a lot of my assfaceshityyness comes out of a need for self-preservation. im just saying that if WE don't look out for ourselves, who will?

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Steff, thanks! yeah, I guess the fact that I'm willing to acknowledge assfaceshitty behavior makes me less of an asshole than most.

self preservation been my general strategy thus far. time for a change though. :)

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just wandered on to your blog so am just getting to know you.

I think it is wonderful that you have had this revelation about yourself. It's easy and common to keep casting yourself in the role of victim. It's so safe and easy there. It takes courage to really hold a mirror up to yourself and see the ugliness there.

You've made this big declaration, stepped into becoming something huge for yourself and I'm going to push you on it, going to hold you to it.

As far as whether or not you are more or less of an asshole than anyone else - does it really matter? Sure, it makes us feel better to think others are worse, but isn't that just another example of All About Me? Does the person on the receiving end of your assholery really care that your Asshole Quotient is down 22% this quarter? Will that make it hurt less?

I don't say this to bludgeon you or to make you feel bad. I say this to spur you to action. It's one thing to make this declaration to us out here, those you have not hurt.

Are you ready for the next step, the crucial step?

What I really want to know is about the other people in your life. Have you made this declaration to them? Have you apologized? Have you tried to make amends? Have you asked for their help in catching yourself the next time you start up?

So, yes, I'm challenging you. I wouldn't do it if I didn't think you were up to it. It takes courage to look at yourself the way you have. Yes, we're all assholes to varying degrees, just like we're all hurt. We can't all face it like you did. That takes courage and I applaud you for that.

Lisa

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for your comment, Lisa and thanks for reading! welcome! I, of course, have made the proper amends. :)

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