Friday, August 20, 2010

signs your man is (gasp!) gay?

So (thanks to the_Lame_Sauce), I just read the dumbest thing my eyes have ever come across  (and that includes Sarah Palin speeches).

Direct from the Huff Post to you (drum roll please):


9 Signs Your Husband Is GAY, According To ChristWire.org



This is truly hilarious. Here are my faves:

"He Has A 'Gym Membership But No Interest In Sports'"
How about...he's a gym rat who likes to lift weights?

"He 'Travels Frequently To Big Cities Or Asia'"
Orrrrr he's a businessman?

"He's 'Sassy, Sarcastic And Ironic Around His Friends'"
All male behavior from football to guy's night is homoerotic in some way. Next.

"He Takes On 'Sudden, Heavy Drinking'"
Orrrr maybe he's an alcoholic. Which isn't funny at all.

"He's 'Overly Fastidious About His Appearance And The Home'"
Or he's an anal retentive control freak.

Since this is redonk and I loves me the gay mens and I grew up in the theater (and am therefore an expert in the gaydar), here is my list. It's much more accurate.

Ladies, watch out! Here are the REAL signs your man might be gay:
  • He wears glitter eyeshadow and leg warmers when he goes out with the boys. 
  • His secret sex fantasies include you dressing up like Clive Owen or Liza Minnelli.
  • When he went to Pride, he wore his teal sparkly g-string, roller skates, and rainbow boa. 
  • He has the complete collection of Judy Garland on vinyl, cassette, CD, and mp3.
  • Sometimes you catch him wearing your lucite platform shoes (left over from your slutty days), singing living room karaoke to Donna Summer. 
  • There are no women at all in his porn collection.
  • The bartender at "The Tool Box" has called more than once to see if you left your credit card there. 
  • This is your husband:

Okay, okay I jest. 

The truth is, most of my gay friends are totally unassuming and unique in their own personalities. Just like anyone else would be. And to think we could decipher clues to discover if your man is secretly gay is preposterous. Many gay men are still in the closet because they don't feel safe in this society or they've been taught they're evil. Gay men pretend to be straight and marry women because they think they have to. 

One of my best friends from high school (and prom date thankyouverymuch) was a walking gay pride parade, but lived in the closet because he was in constant fear of getting beat the crap out of. But when he finally came out? He was surprised as hell to realize we all knew and loved him all the same. 

If your man was secretly gay? You'd know, honey. And the best thing you should do (after beating your head in when you realize all the best ones are gay of course) is to buy the man some glitter, get yourselves gussied up, and go dancing. 

16 comments mean you love me:

leymilne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I LOVE THIS POST

I work in the travel industry, so every man is considered gay until proven straight...and even then most people assume that the wife is a cover. It makes me nuts! A really close friend of mine is completely straight and has been married to a woman for ten years, and I cooooonstantly find myself defending him because everyone assumes he's gay.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks! I had a professor in fashion school (oh yeah) who wore velvet suits (I kid not) and had this southern gay type accent. you would swear the man was on fire, but no. he was happily married to a woman and they had two kids. if he were gay, he worked in the most forgiving industry in the world. so yeah, you don't really know. best thing is just to love our friends as they are. :D

we hate you. love, us said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! I mean really...this is just ridiculous.

Traveling frequently? He drinks a lot? He goes to the gym but doesn't have any interest in sports? Well apparently 90% of my guy friends are gay. Good to know...It's really sad that some people think that things like this are true. Obnoxious.

I do love your list and I agree - if you find out your man is gay, you should totally buy him glitter and take him dancing.

-Betty

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I know right? these nuts make me crazy.

thanks, Betty!

Paul and Kerry said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

most ridic list ever. His list not yours. um, yea. maybe has gym membership and WEARS the legwarmers and flashdance inspired shirt there.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

right?!?

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Well, then I'm gay and so is my husband. Wait, what?
AND, how is it that gay men can do such amazing things with makeup? Like, find me a chick that can make rainbow colored lipstick! I want to be a gay man!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

or that eyeshadow! I mean, DAMN that's amazing!

and me too, honey. me. too.

Ali said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm sassy, sarcastic, and ironic with/to all my friends (and non-friends.) Maybe I'm gay.

...

wait a sec.

:0)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

AHHHAHAHAHA! *whew*

Ali, I seriously heart you so hard right now!

Jenny (@jenndola) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

So if my husband came into our relationship with a Bette Midler CD it's okay, right? RIGHT?!

Seriously, though, this stereotyping is ridiculous. Why do people still write articles like this?

Oh, and thanks for not scarring my mother for life with your comment on my post. ;)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jenny- yes, honey. it's okay. just start worrying if he cries during Beaches. :D

and you got it! after I commented, I lurked and saw you're Mormon. and as I former moron myself, I was like, "*oooooh* I have to be all modest on this one." I can do that.

Elizabeth said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I, and all the other golf widows out there, secretly think our husbands are gay... they love pastels, are always immaculately dressed and love to play with stiff shafts, balls and little holes all day.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

see? all make activity is homoerotic. :D

Cecelia Winesap said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Number 1 - LOVE that guy's makeup

Number 2 - I have an ex-boyfriend who loved Liza. I didn't catch on until a few years after we broke up as to what was going on. Still one of the best relationships I've been in.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

aren't his eyes pretty? bitch.

and maybe he's bi? or was he a hard-core Liza fan?

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