signs your man is (gasp!) gay?

So (thanks to the_Lame_Sauce), I just read the dumbest thing my eyes have ever come across  (and that includes Sarah Palin speeches).

Direct from the Huff Post to you (drum roll please):

9 Signs Your Husband Is GAY, According To ChristWire.org

This is truly hilarious. Here are my faves:

"He Has A 'Gym Membership But No Interest In Sports'"
How about...he's a gym rat who likes to lift weights?

"He 'Travels Frequently To Big Cities Or Asia'"
Orrrrr he's a businessman?

"He's 'Sassy, Sarcastic And Ironic Around His Friends'"
All male behavior from football to guy's night is homoerotic in some way. Next.

"He Takes On 'Sudden, Heavy Drinking'"
Orrrr maybe he's an alcoholic. Which isn't funny at all.

"He's 'Overly Fastidious About His Appearance And The Home'"
Or he's an anal retentive control freak.

Since this is redonk and I loves me the gay mens and I grew up in the theater (and am therefore an expert in the gaydar), here is my list. It's much more accurate.

Ladies, watch out! Here are the REAL signs your man might be gay:

• He wears glitter eyeshadow and leg warmers when he goes out with the boys. 
• His secret sex fantasies include you dressing up like Clive Owen or Liza Minnelli.
• When he went to Pride, he wore his teal sparkly g-string, roller skates, and rainbow boa. 
• He has the complete collection of Judy Garland on vinyl, cassette, CD, and mp3.
• Sometimes you catch him wearing your lucite platform shoes (left over from your slutty days), singing living room karaoke to Donna Summer. 
• There are no women at all in his porn collection.
• The bartender at "The Tool Box" has called more than once to see if you left your credit card there. 
• This is your husband:

Okay, okay I jest. 

The truth is, most of my gay friends are totally unassuming and unique in their own personalities. Just like anyone else would be. And to think we could decipher clues to discover if your man is secretly gay is preposterous. Many gay men are still in the closet because they don't feel safe in this society or they've been taught they're evil. Gay men pretend to be straight and marry women because they think they have to. 

One of my best friends from high school (and prom date thankyouverymuch) was a walking gay pride parade, but lived in the closet because he was in constant fear of getting beat the crap out of. But when he finally came out? He was surprised as hell to realize we all knew and loved him all the same. 

If your man was secretly gay? You'd know, honey. And the best thing you should do (after beating your head in when you realize all the best ones are gay of course) is to buy the man some glitter, get yourselves gussied up, and go dancing.