Saturday, August 28, 2010

Random Thoughts of a Crazy Lady

As I was eating bacon pizza (seriously! bacon pizza!) with friends the other night, I was struck with a brilliant idea. People like strip clubs. People like bacon. What if I opened a strip club where the strippers are wearing bacon? Brilliant, right? And they could take off the pieces and throw them at the clients, like feeding bears. And since this is Portland, we could have veggie bacon for the vegans (Vegans want to watch the ladies get naked too). AND (thanks to John for this flash of genius) we could call the place: Bacon Strips. Right? Right? I am totally going to do this. I'll be rich! RICH! Mwahahaha!

My evil laugh makes me throat hurt.

You know what else makes me laugh? Squirrels. Like, I know they're basically rats with cute fluffy tails. Like they're all carriers of Ebola and SARS and shit, but they're also like little meth addicts. Squirrels are completely insane. Especially city squirrels. Or university campus squirrels. They must have access to all kinds of drugs because they're completely manic. There are squirrels everywhere here and they're all totally batshit insane.

Near where I used to work in sunny So Cal, there was this huge tree next to some steps. And this crazy squirrel would always chill on the steps, but he must have been blind or something. Because he'd wait until you got too close, like closer than you'd think is possible to get to a squirrel, and then freak out because you're TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE! And he'd kamikaze leap off the side of the steps into the air without even aiming for the tree or anything to land on. I watched him aim his leap wrong once and just fly head first into a higher step. That one looked painful. But I bet you that squirrel is still alive.

Because Ebola gives squirrels eternal life. Like jesus for rodents.

So I normally don't mind the sound of trains. I wrote about this once like a year ago. Normally the faint rumble and horn of a train helps me fall asleep. But my friendly neighborhood train is a little more enthusiastic than I can handle. He's just so excited to be a train. Honking his horn for maybe 10 minutes straight, announcing his train status to the world. I'M A TRAIN! I'M A TRAIN! I'M A TRAAAIIIIIIINNNNNN! Needless to say, it gets a little old. My roommate and I constantly find ourselves responding to the train, "We GET it! You're a train. Enough already. So you should announce it to the world?" Because I'm not crazy enough already.

Next Saturday is my birthday. One week from this jour, I'll be 30. Except, I already feel 30. I've always felt that way about birthdays. Why is your birthday a magic portal into a new age? At midnight, I'll magically feel 30? No way, dude. I've been 30 for a couple of months now.

But can I just say that I am excited for 30? I think I've said this before, but that's because it's true. I am excited for 30. At this stage in my life, I'm pursuing my bliss like never before. Really searching for the things that bring me happiness and doing what I can to avoid stress. And I can't wait to see what this decade will bring. Who I'll be. What I'll learn. I'm excited! Are you excited?

Keep your eyes peeled for the next Raw Photos contest! It will be coming up in a couple of weeks and we expect you to bring your best un-photoshopped photos.

And to round out my random thoughts for today, there's this*:
food for thought

*I found this online and have no idea who the artist is. But it's funny as shit and I'd like to see more. If you know who made this, please let me know, yo!

12 comments mean you love me:

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are tres drole. And I am tres triste that I cannot come celebrate the dirty 30 with you :( Boo to being poor! Boo!!! <---but Halloween is coming soon, that makes me happy, probably you too...Ya, so random, I know.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

1. Squirrels freak me out. I think it's the twitchy thing. You NEVER know what they're going to do/ where they're going to go.

2. Happy early birthday!

3. What is it with trains? We ALREADY hear you. You're loud. We get it. I think it's cause everyone has cars now, they're feeling inferior.

Jules said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

THAT is an AWESOME idea!!!!

When Obama was running for President, my Old Principal (Principal Dumbass) went around telling people that he was going to open a stripclub in OUR town as part of his stimulus package.
1. Our town is small. Why would Obama choose OUR town.
2. It's illegal in my state.
3. BUT it IS a GREAT IDEA!!! Especially if you add bacon.

Just sayin'.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks for the comments, girlies!

Kris- what are you going as for Halloween?

Sun- THANKS! and I agree completely

Jules- that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. so totally bizarre.

we hate you. love, us said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

BACON PIZZA?! Yes, yes, yes. I love me some bacon.

And I love your squirrel story. There was a crazy squirrel at my college that everyone encountered at some point. He/she made me quite uncomfortable.

And happy early birthday :)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

bacooon!

thanks, honey! :)

Kelly said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think another great strip club idea would be to put a strip club (featuring bacon-clad dancers) in an airport. Planes are delayed, business travelers are trapped, dads are sick UP TO HERE with the kids, so it's obvious. And they could serve bacon-flavored bourbon and Bloody Marys with bacon swizzle sticks.... Who's in?

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am SO in! it's brilliant!

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Bacon Strips! In the words of Liz Lemon, "I want to go to there."

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Liz Lemon is so wise. :D

C said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I remember reading this when it first came out. Why I didn't comment back then I will never know.

But oh gollly! Bacon Strips! That is hilarious! I think I would come into the club more for the bacon than for the naked tatas! Hillarious!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

heehee! I'd be rich right?

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