I am going to lose it. otherwise entitled: the next chapter in the saga of the air mattress

Time: 5:30 a.m. Saturday morning

The previous couple of days were spent by me sure I had another leak in my air mattress, but the leak being so slow and without being able to find the hole, I gave up and went to bed Friday night sure that I was imagining things.

At the aforementioned time, I am awakened by three things.

One) An uncomfortable cat that seems to not be able to find a spot on the bed to sleep. Probably because I have been rolling around uncomfortably half-asleep for an hour.

Two) This is when it occurs to me that my bed is half empty of air and I'm drowning in the vinyl and bedding. Do you know what happens when an air mattress loses air? My ass becomes the vortex (vertex? apex? somethingex?) of the bed, sucking my body downward into a black hole of bedding death. Who knew my ass was that powerful? Well, see, it's not my ass. It's just that my ass carries the bulk of my body weight and succumbs first to the gravitational pull of the air mattress' black hole of death.

Three) The second cat (the retarded one) has figured out that my deflated bed is bouncy now and is (I swear to all things unholy and true that I am not making this up) jumping up on the bed to one side of me, jumping over my body to the other side, jumping down on the floor, and running around the bed to start the process all over again. Over and over and over. And over. I shit you not.

These three things were happening simultaneously and I was so overwhelmed with information that I whisper-screamed at the retard to cut it out (because cats speak English) which scared him enough to make him hide in the closet. The other cat simply yawned at me like I was being dramatic. I turned on the light and attempted to locate the now absolutely positively gotta be there hole in my fucking bed.

I couldn't find it of course. It also occurred to me at 6 a.m. that we had company downstairs two of which were a 3 yo and an 18 mo and waking them with the air pump had I located the hole would be unwise for all involved.

So I laid awake and played with my constant friend the Internet until I fell alseep again in my black hole of death bed. (I had considered sleeping on the floor again, but decided black hole was a much better option. I was wrong.)

I awoke again at a reasonable hour to an even more squashed mattress and a serious back ache. Turns out black holes are murder on the back.

Cranky and achey, I enlisted my roommates to help me find this leak. Lard love 'em, they tried and tried all because they must love me because it's really not their problem. But they probably don't want the cranky beast to keep getting crankier after less and less nights' sleep.

We couldn't find a goddamn thing.

Now I am curled up in my bedding on the floor, sipping my tea and weeping softly and ruefully. Who knew such a thing as a black hole in your bed and a sore back would be my breaking point?

Now, if you know any better tricks to find an air leak than soapy water or tissue paper, I welcome them. Because I'm just about to lose my goddamn mind.

Poor me and my first world problems.

Fuck I miss my bed.