Internet, I have a confession to make.
I have never received one of those "I am an African prince and you need to send me money" spam emails. Never. I've always chocked it up to good spam filters, but always secretly felt left out. Did the fake African scam artists know I was broke? Why did they not want my money?
But today, Internet? I got one. I was excited! Dripping with glee. I feel like it's a rite of passage:
Get the scam email.
Laugh at the scam email.
Don't fall for the scam email.
Share badly constructed scam email with friends so they can share in your glee.
Here 'tis with my commentary (giggle):
Dear Sir, (he already knows me SO well)
I am Daniel Amani Koffi 28yrs old and and i get you email contact from the internet seeking your (my what?) to secure my iheritage. (oooh what is iheritage? is that a new Apple product? does Apple not ship to West Africa? Exciting! I can help!)
With due respect and humility I write you this letter which I believe you would be of great assistance to me. (I can't even mock this sentence structure. Too much is wrong.)
I am also writing this mail to you from a point of distress (OH NO!) and I hope you would be of great assistance to me.Please I would also want to state clearly that we should keep this conversation confidential because of my own security reason here. (Confidential? Like spies? OOH SPIES!)
This death of my father brought a serious circumstance in the family between the second wife of my late father.i lost my mother when i am very little of four years and my father took me so special as the first and only son. (well, obviously the son would be the "special" one. emphasis on the word special. ahem.)
My father was assacinated (assacinated? is this a new word? and aren't only political figures assassinated? normal people are just murdered right?) both (both? he was assassinated twice?) with the driver when he was coming back from business trip this happened in my country Free Town (isn't Free Town in South Africa?), as i earlier understood where his important document were kept i quickely went to his private room to secure the Documents (documents with a capital D) which i found as the deposit funds and this documents read family valuable while the real content of the Trunk box was cash of $8:Million USD, (wait. WHAT? that doesn't even make sense, dudicus) 'this matter was so serious that the family was been threaten (was been threaten? past tense or present, amigo?) because of all these troubles, as i could not wait again i manage to escape the home one evening through the neighbouring Liberia to Danani before i was arrested (arrested? but why? OH did HE assassinate the king twice and the driver both?) between Danani boarder and was kept in the Danani refugee camp before the rebel storm the village and we were evacuated to the Abidjan city.
rightnow (rightnow is a new term to indicate more urgency than the archaic two word term of "right now") i am seeking the assistance of foreign Partner (that's partner with a capital P, buckos) who help me invest this money into a profitable business in your Country as my partner. I have located the security company where this money was kept and decleared the overship (I have no idea what this is) with all the document of deposit.
Please i will be glad you help me invest in a profitable business in your country (oh I bet), If you agree, we shall both share the total annual profit.
I demand you treat this very confidential (you demand do you? well, guess what, friend, I have a BLOG. I don't even know what the word confidential MEANS). I will give you full details of the money concerning the transfer as soon as I receive your response.
waiting for your sonnest responce (sonnest responce. Old English for poetic reply)
Daniel Amani Koffi
35 Treisville Ave 12 Rue 14, (which doesn't even make sense as an address. it's essentially: 35 Threetown Avenue 12 Street 14. I mean, how many streets is this house ON?)
Abidjan cote D`Ivoire
West Africa (I don't think addresses in an African nation need to specify the region of the continent. Just guessing.)
So exciting right? As I see it, I have a few options. I could:
A) Respond and play along. I could make up my own fake identity and country and shit and replay all the fun for you here.
B) Respond that I believe his story, but need clarification on all the crazy words as I don't speak Scam
C) Respond that he chose wrong and I am Agent Chuck Bartowski of the CIA and I'll be seeing him at 35 Treisville Ave 12 Rue 14, Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire, West Africa tomorrow at 18 hundred hours.
D) Respond (au Francais) that I'm his neighbor Jean Val Jean right up the street and let's have dejeuner sometime!
E) Delete it because I'm lazy and eat more Kettle Chips.
F) All of the above on different days.
Also: I googled Daniel Amani Koffi and this is the first image that came up:
So I'm thinkin' that he's an 18th century pirate assassin. Now I totes wanna meet this guy.