Fail #1: I am a complete asshole.
Warning: this is not a funny post.
So after I was a total and phenomenal asshole this morning, I walked to my new, favorite coffee shop to sip tea and write. See, I'm not much of a journaler. In my opinion, not much I write is worth shit unless I've written it for an audience of some kind. Unless I've written it to be read. Of course, this could be another sign of my assholeyness (assholyness?), because who am I to assume that anything I write is readable at all?
But I digress.
I do occasionally write in a journal, however. Usually when I have something swirling around in my brain and I don't have a computer nearby to download it all. Or when I have a situation I want to write about for my own sanity and it involves another person and I don't think it's appropriate to flay on my blog for the Internet and its mother to see. So I typically carry small journals around. I have several, but I tend to use whichever is handy, so I bet someone a hundred years from now will try to make sense of them and put them in some chronological order and fail miserably. Nice try buddy, try living in my head; it's just as messy. (AGAIN, acting like an asshole, assuming someone will even read what I've written 100 years from now.)
Anywayyyyy, so I went to write. But I had forgotten a journal. Not one did I bring. Fail # 2.
So I sipped my huge mug of Jasmine tea and wrote my journal entry in my head. And I came to some pretty hefty conclusions (makes me really miss my therapist). The following is what I would have written if I hadn't had my fucking head up my ass today.
Disclaimer: I am not fishing for compliments here. I do not call myself an asshole to get your attention and beg you to tell me how nice I am. So please let me continue.
I am an asshole. I didn't realize I was, but I am. I am a totally selfish asshole. Me me me. That's all I think about. What about me? My feelings? Poor fucking me. Wah wah wah. Shut up, Andrea.
I think that I had some shitty cards dealt in my life, so I must apparently think that makes it okay to treat others like shit as well. To think the shit world revolves around me and my shit.
And because I've had some major assholes in my life, I expect everyone else I know to be an asshole as well (not on the surface, but I'm pretty sure I expect most people to show their true colors eventually). But what has happened is that I end up acting the hugest asshole of all. Isn't that just brilliant?
But that's no excuse.
I don't care how much shit I've been through. Really, it doesn't matter, because everyone has their shit and the crap cards dealt them. Everyone suffers. And my shit isn't anymore relevant. And it isn't a free card to assume the worst in others, especially those I care the most about. I always thought I assumed the best in others, but I think I was just deluding myself into a happy bubble where I am good and everyone wants to hurt me. Goddamn, don't I just sound like the hugest fucking asshole you've ever met? Someone slap me!
BUT, and a very big but indeed, there are people in my life that I care very, very much about. That I hold in my heart whether they want to be there or not. And it is not my intention to hurt them. Ever. And yet I do. I think. Maybe it's assholey of me to assume that I have the power to hurt them. But either way, it's not my intention to behave like a selfish bitch. I need to stop that already.
I'm clearly insane and there should be caution tape around me at all times.
How did I get here? How is it that I turn 30 in one month and 4 days and I'm still such a social retard? That I lack the capacity to treat people with common decency and kindness? Seriously. I want to know.
I hereby swear to stop behaving like a selfish asshole from here on out. If I do, I hereby give my permission to anyone within striking distance to hit me. As hard as they can. I mean it. I need to stop this shit already.
Here's the lesson of the day, kiddies: treat others like shit and end up alone.
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