I didn't die in California. Promise.

So yeah. I've been back for like 2 weeks or a week and a half. Or something. I can't be bothered to do the actual math. I also haven't written a post since before I left for California and don't even think about making me do THAT math. I may just eat your head.

I am so close to quitting blogging. And let me tell you...it's not for any dramatic reasons. I just don't want to do it anymore. I never want to write. It's become this albatross that I keep out of guilt, because quitting is such a loser move. But DUDE I just don't wannaaaa (she said in her whiniest voice)! Who knows? Maybe I've outgrown the blog. Or maybe I'm just burned out. Whatever.

Anywayyyyy. I'm not quitting yet. Just kind of leaning there.

I don't really want to write about my trip. There were good moments and there were some rough ass moments. Needless to say, I missed Portland and, while it was so good to see my friends and family who I missed so much, it was really great to come home too.

Here are some highlights:

Shooting an engagement session for my cousin and her fiance, two of my favorite people on the planet. It went really well (I was VERY nervous) and as soon as the film is developed (I shot some on 120), I'll share those photos with ya.

My dad: Hey, you look like you lost weight!
Me: No, I actually gained weight, but thank you.
My dad: See? I know how to talk to women.

Getting to meet Shnerfle, probably one of my best blogging friends and I'm so happy to call her my real life friend. There were hugs and squees and happy making. You can see some of her photos from our visit on her photo stream.

The weirdest karaoke experience on the planet. They record you singing, replay it for the whole bar on many, many TV screens after you're done thus solidifying your humiliation, and give you a DVD to take home. I've been contemplating sharing my humiliation here, but haven't decided yet.

Picture it: we're driving a mountain road. To our right, sheer cliff. To our left, the other lane and the a steep wall of rock. We come around a curve and this deer runs down the rock wall and straight toward my car. I am able to stop before hitting him, but he keeps coming straight at us and gets pretty damn close to my car before veering to my left and keeps on running. It was probably one of the scariest, coolest, and awesome experiences I've had. I've never been that close to a deer, for one. Two, how scary for both the deer and us! Three, what the hell happened to that deer? Did someone else hit it? Did he keep running to freedom? We'll never know.

Getting home alive because Hot Pants and I didn't kill each other, though I'm sure we came close.

I have no idea why I make crazy faces. I really don't. It's my default.

Here are a handful of the hundreds of photos I took:

Stopping to write just for me

I’m a firm believer in setting up some ground rules for yourself when you blog. There are certain things I deem inappropriate for my own blog and I do my damned hardest to stick to those. And by inappropriate, I don’t mean vaginas and sex stories and cursing like a pirate terrorist on death row. We all know I specialize in such. For me, it’s about not using my blog as a weapon.

I am always conscious to never use my blog as a tool to hurt people in my life. Sure, I blog about certain people who are important to me or who feature in my stories, but I’ll never blog about them maliciously. Will never use that forum to hurt them.

Oh sure, I’ll snark away at the world around moi, the idiots I encounter, how asinine society behaves. But that kind of snarking, I think, is healthy. I think it’s good to let that stuff out. Helps you to not take it out on the people whose feelings matter (or should matter at any rate).

I used to have a friend who believed I did just that, used my blog to passive-aggressively attack said friend. Which, at the end of the day, I just didn’t and there was no proving that. So c’est la vie as they say. “They” being the French. Duh. Keep up.

But some bloggers blog just to bitch about those folks they can’t deal with in their lives and you know? That’s their right. I would hope they’re doing it anonymously because there could be some serious repercussions there, but I’m not here to judge. For me, I won’t use my blog for that. I’m also not great at being anonymous, because I share my writing with everyone I know.

None to the less, I’m a writer, yes? And writing out whatever is broiling in me has always been the best way for me to get perspective, let off steam, and also let whatever it is out in the universe where it just dissipates and becomes separate of me. It’s all very Foucault.

Or think of it like barfing. I have to get it out to feel better. Like word vomit, only with better grammar and punctuation.

And often what I have to express, what is broiling around in my insane little head happens to be something I deem inappropriate for le blog. So I’ll usually write it elsewhere. Maybe in a notebook, which I have entirely too many of and which if anyone tried to read in order, they’d have a hell of a time making any sort of sense out of (let alone decipher my hideous handwriting). Or sometimes I’ll type it up and sometimes save it, sometimes not. It’s all very unorganized and haphazard, but since I don’t ever plan on anyone else seeing it or even reminding myself of how angry or upset or stressed or what have you (lest I revisit that emotion again), I don’t much worry about keeping it all together.

Lately though, I sort of forgot to do that. I was so wrapped up in the demands of blogging and then I took my blog hiatus, which was absolutely necessary, that I forgot to write for me. Forgot to let the words out into the ether.

Not that I’ve even been upset or angry or stressed (well about a couple things I am) or whatever. And lest my friends and family who read this blog get concerned, I'm not angry or whatever at someone right now. I'm not secretly ranting about someone so none of you need worry. It's more about issues that were popping up about my past and affecting my behavior in the present. Which does affect others I care about and who I don't want to hurt.

But it’s like exercise, I suppose. You gots ta keep it up to stay healthy. And the truth is some stuff about my past and has been popping up here and there and I wasn’t exactly dealing with it. I was shoving it aside, pretending it wasn’t there (Like that one annoying coworker you’d love to smother in duct tape. Just kidding. Or am I?).

In other words: no bueno.

Also: I highly miss therapy. Once I go full time at work (read: benefits, baby), I’m so finding a new therapist.

Sose (It should be a word. Shut up.) all those thoughts were just doing their worst to me and bringing back my insomnia and really doing no good at all. Yet I didn’t really figure it out. How is it that we have these great things we do for ourselves, but when we really need to do them, we forget? How is that productive?

But Monday I figured it out. Like an anvil from heaven, it hit me. I needed to write. Just write. Just free write all those words until I found some truth and could let the rest go.

What’s funny is I’m still writing. I took a break to write this post (I guess because I had to share SOME of it with you) and then I’m sure I’ll write a ton more. It feels fucking great. So great I can’t believe I ever stopped.

Hiatus

So after a lot of deliberating, I've decided to take a small hiatus from blogging.

It's just I'm at this weird point where I kind of hate the blog even though I love it so much.

But I resent the effect it has on me sometimes, how my self-expression can turn on me. When you let people so deeply in, they're bound to have opinions on things you're sensitive about. It's hard to take sometimes. It's a risk every blogger takes, but I'm too tired to brush it off right now. And the community and interaction is the best part of blogging. So maybe I just need to step back and figure out why I'm feeling this way.

Plus, I'm resentful of the time it sucks out of me. Which is hard! But I suck lately. I never respond to comments anymore and I hardly even get to other blogs, which makes me crazy.

I love writing and I love this blog, but if I don't take a break and get some perspective, I'm in danger of quitting it completely.

So I just need some clarity. Some time to step back and see what I need to change so that I can hang onto this space that I've worked so hard to create.

It won't be a long hiatus, maybe a couple of weeks. And I'll still link the posts for Blogger Body Calendar this week and my Sprocket Ink articles. And I may even share a photo or two that I love.

I know that I risk losing readership by doing this, but I'm hoping that you all stick it out anyway. Thanks for understanding.

Random Thoughts of a Crazy Lady

I think I have a little writer's block. And a tried and true technique for me when I have writer's block is to write about writer's block.

Here's the thing, though. As I mentioned yesterday, I do have stuff I could write about, but I can't. And in comparison, nothing I can think of to write seems to get my fingers tapping. I can't get excited to write about anything.

Is that lame? Totally. Do I really mind? Not really.

It's not like I'm not busy. Though my freelance gig finally ended last Friday. I'll miss that money, but I'm excited to have 15 or so more hours a week to myself. I have just one job just like a normal person! Well, one job plus two websites to write for. Which I do to myself because I love it so. And like I could ever truly be normal. What is normal anyway?

Plus I've been busy, busy gallivanting around and acting like a teenager. Playing on playgrounds and making mix CDs. I gots to say: I don't hate it. More adults should do this stuff, because it's delicious.

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I've been busy with Blogger Body Calendar schtuff, getting my photos (which you don't get to see until the calendar is out! but I may share film I didn't use AFTER it's out) and writing my posts. That's so exciting and I'm overjoyed to be apart of it.

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Since everyone was guessing at my happiness tease post yesterday, I thought I'd make it fun. And how does everything get more fun? A GAME! AWYEAH!

Therefore, guess what's making me so happy:

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THIS! Is pretty damn cool:

All Annoyed

 For some reason, I'm all annoyed at my blog right now. Annoyed at its existence.

I know why but I don't know why. Blerg.

My blog has always been my safe space to just be me. So when life gets crazy, usually I find solace in this space.

Right now? I'm swamped. I've got my new job (which I'm loooooving!), but still have my freelance gig which should end mid May. Plus I've got Sprocket Ink and blogging AND I'm moving.

That's a lot of balls in the air.

Snicker.

I am one busy chiquita. Top that off with Jeté got sick last week (turns out a bit of toxic poising. long story. she's ok now) and I've been exhausted. And I've been trying to date. But I'll get to that in a minute.

The thing is: except for my furbaby getting sick, I like each of those elements and don't want to be doing anything else. I like the nice double paycheck I have going right now. I love love love Sprocket Ink. And I love my blog. I do. It's the place I've cultivated for myself and I love sharing it with you all.

But it's the last place I want to be right now. I look around me at all I have to do and I sneer at my blog with utter irritation. I don't want to respond to comments (which is usually one of my fave parts of blogging). I don't want to write (but am making myself right now. hello, therapy!). I just want it to be in a coma for a while so I can ignore it or something. Not that if a person I loved was in a coma I'd ignore him or her. But if my blog would just shut up for a while, maybe I could gather my thoughts.

How to the ever loving ever, the last thing I want is my blog to suffer, especially if I'm writing somewhere else. I get SO annoyed at bloggers that get a second writing gig and abandon their blogs. I read their other writing because I loved their blogs first. Our blogs are we we begin. Readers connect through the blogs. The rest is a bonus, I feel.

First and foremost, I want my blog to remain where I express myself and connect with my readers.

And at the end of the day, I want to be a writer. My paychecks are just what pay the bills. I'll never give up writing.

But something has to give. So I'm looking at my social life first. Right now? I just don't have time to "date." Have sex? Yeah I could make time for that. But all the wooing and connecting and posturing that comes with the beginnings of a relationship? Can't do it now. I just can't fit it in.

And yes, I'm a little schizo when it comes to what I want romantically. Right this moment, I just want casual. If I were already in a committed relationship, that would be great. We'd have routines and be able to help each other. I'd love support from a someone.

But it's so much goddamn work at the beginning and I just don't have it in me.

And if I met the most wonderfullest someone that I just knew I'd want to pursue, I guess I'd make it work. But what I'm looking for (or passively not looking) is casual. 

So I went on a first date a week or so ago. It was fine. He was cool. VERY good looking. But then I got sick last weekend (serious. I was down for the count.) and then I started the new job. Needless to say, I haven't been available. And this dude is turning out to be kinda needy. Like majorly high maintenance. And trying WAY too hard. And I'm finding myself totally turned off.

Like, there's being nice and being yourself and all that good stuff. But when someone tries too hard and gets all needy (especially at the beginning), I can't deal. For one, you're not being yourself. Just relax and see what happens yo! It's not the end of the world. Two, I don't need needy. I don't need codependent. I am fiercely independent, almost unhealthily so. I can't deal with someone who's not at least somewhat like that.

So I think I'm over this dude. Too high maintenance. 

*sigh*

Back to blogging. (sorry this post is so rambling)

Like I said, I don't necessarily want to neglect Le Blog, but I may neglect it a little. Just until I've moved or I am down to only one job.

Maybe I won't post every single day and take a day off here and there. Taking Saturdays off has been completely wonderful so I don't doubt a blog sick day here and there would feel awesome.

I'll also maybe write a teensy bit less and share more photos. You love the photos yes?

I'm also giving up one day at Sprocket Ink. Sucks but I can't post three days a week there and neglect my blog first. Ya KNOW?

Lastly, I'll still do my best to respond to comments, but probably won't always respond individually. At least for a while.

Yikes. And I move in two weeks and have just begun to pack. Wish me luck!

vanity and thick skin

So I've often mentioned how much I love you, kiddos, my readers. I'm constantly reassuring guest posters who are nervous about what people will think about what they write. "My readers are lovely," I say. And I mean it. For most of the year and a half that I've been blogging, I've received nothing but sweetness and butterfly kisses and rainbow unicorn butts. It's lovely.

So imagine my surprise when in the last month or so I've begun to get some critical comments. At first? My feelings were a little sore. But you know what? People are allowed to be critical of me. I put my words and my beliefs and my art up to be filleted by you and if you want to burn them a little, you have that right.

So no biggie. Criticize me. I do have feelings, but, you know, do your worst if you must. I'll work on growing a thicker skin.

la la la la la la la

You may have noticed that below every post, I have check boxes. It's an easy way for people to give feedback with you actually having to leave a comment. I figure that's why they're there anyway. The otehr day, one of you took the time to mark the "meh" box on almost every single one of my posts from the last month or so. (You're looking for that box now, I know. But don't. I'll explain why in a bit.)

That seriously happened.

And I'm vain enough to be perturbed by it. Vain enough to really question that. 

My first thought is: why? Why would you do that? You do not have to like what I write or like my photos, etc. You don't. I'm okay with that. I live in a subjective field and I am well aware that I will not please everyone.

In fact, I like that. I know I say controversial things. I like that I stir the pot a bit. And if I were getting comments that did the same, that would be something to be proud of. If you took a stance other than mine and engaged me and my readers in a debate, well done you! I'd love it if you did that.

Yet that's not what this is.

I'm also not so vain as to stomp my feet (though I wanted to) and pout and shout to the universe, "WELL IT'S MY BLOG AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN JUST LEAVE!" I won't say that. That's something political radicals say. Right.


I should mention that I put the "meh" box there for several reasons. One, it gives a balance. When I started blogging, I couldn't bring myself to just assume the whole world would love it. Plus there's the Taoist in me that declares balance in all things. If you can check "love it," you should be able to check "meh."

Also, while I really hope not every single one of my posts suck (and I'm vain enough to think they don't), I though that it would help me as a writer to know if a post here and there doesn't go over well. Feedback is good. But if all that feedback is bad, I have to wonder what I'm even doing? Not that I would quit over one person hating my blog. I just anticipated a few bad reviews here and there, not an onslaught of detestation.

Plus? The word "meh" kind of makes me laugh.

Still, I have to wonder why, if you really didn't like the first 6 or 7 posts, why'd you keep going? Did you think it would grow on you? That it would change the further back you'd read? It's all me. Always has been. And you clearly don't like it, so just give up already.

And if that's not what happened, then you were just being a dickwad. I don't like dickwads. They're not welcome here.

I googled "thick skin" and found this. um, hold me?

Anyway, I thought about all that. I tweeted about it. I pouted.

Then I decided to grow a pair. It is my damn blog after all and I don't have to provide a "meh" box. If you really hate each post, you can grow a pair and leave a trolly comment. Instead, I have replaced the "meh" box to say "marry me." A much better alternative AND it makes me laugh.

After all, I'm adorable. You people love me. Why wouldn't you read a post and immediately want to marry me? I predict a deluge of marriage proposals any day now.

keeping up with The Blogs

Did you hear? Did you hear? Didja? Didja? Didja?

Didja?

I won!

Remember those blogging awards I begged you to nominate me for? And then cajoled you to vote for me? And cajoled? And cajoled?

The Studio 30 + Boomerang Awards?

I won! ME! I WON!

Best Photo Blog, to be specific.

Which, I have to tell you, makes me grin from my lips to my panties. I don't know why I needed an award to validate me, but I did. I know you understand. It doesn't just mean I have readers who care enough to vote for me or that I have enough people who think enough of this crazy space of mine to actually beat out the competition (SUCK IT! YEAH! I'm so gracious.), but that I'm finally proving myself as a real photographer too.

Because here's the thing about being an artist of some kind: it's often hard to remember you're part of that world when you don't get paid for it. If you're a writer, photographer, whatever, and you don't get paid to do it? You forget that you're still an artist with or without a monetary validation.

Which is such an American perspective. But I'm working on losing that.

Anyway, thank you so much for voting for me! You guys are truly the bestest of the bestest. And my most sincereliest congratulations to the other winners and finalists! Some of my good friends and fave blogs were recognized and they truly deserved it.

It kinda works out that I has this post scheduled for today too. Just when I am honored for my blog, I whine about blogging. Can't please me, eh?

Here's the thing about blogging: it's hard work.

I never intended to be "A Blogger." I don't say that with any derision, but when I started blogging, I had a more-than-full-time job and I really just wanted to write. I didn't keep it private, but I didn't anticipate the bloggy world I'm in today. I just didn't.

There was no way to foresee it. I worked in social media prior to blogging, sure. And I read a handful of blogs. When I set up my blog, I did it as I would for any company I would promote. I set up search functions and designed my first masthead. But I had no clue how I would generate any significant traffic or that I even wanted to generate much traffic.

I knew my friends were reading, but being butts about commenting. My first smart move was my Facebook fan page which I forced my friends to use if they wanted to keep reading and which told me which of my pals had been lurking. I'm evil like that.

Plus I'd been on twitter for some time. I'd forced myself on to keep in the social media loop, but sans anything of value to promote, hadn't gotten much out of it other than gossiping with work friends without our coworkers on FB finding out. See: evil.

Then I discovered the other bloggers. Yes, there were others. Many others, I found out. And they were kind and welcoming and shared their advice and their readership. They weren't competitive; in fact, they were eager to share and help. They commented on my blog. They promoted me on the Twitter. They liked my FB page. And they asked me to guest post.

And I did the same in return.

I found that bloggers are really gangbusters at networking. Really and truly. Bloggers should be teaching college students how to network, because they really do it best.

It all seemed so idyllic in the beginning.

I should really rephrase that, because it makes it sound like things have gone up in smoke and that's not the case. But I have suffered a serious case of blogging burn out.

What I didn't anticipate is that the blogging itself is not the hardest part. Creating content? Not the hardest part. Though it is consuming. Balancing irl work, looking for more work, generating content, managing my Etsy shop, etc, all while trying to have a life and relax is time consuming!

But not the hardest part. The hardest part is keeping up with The Blogs.

The more you network, the more blogs there are to read. And comment on. You want to read each one too and leave a comment. And you want that comment to have substance because you read that one BlogHer article about how bloggers hate the comments which just compliment them. It wouldn't be a chore if there weren't so many, except there's no way to cut. Because you genuinely enjoy and appreciate and want to support each and every one.

But there are just not enough minutes in the day! It's literally (not figuratively) impossible to do it all.

And that doesn't even count time on twitter, trying to be witty, keeping your followers laughing, and networking with bloggers. You don't remember the last #wineparty you had time or energy to visit even though it's a great joy when you do.

So where's the balance?

First thing: I disconnected from Twitter a bit. I still use it to promote my blog and Etsy, etc, and I still wander on in the morning and before I go to bed. And I'll still text funny tweets I think of in the moment, but I don't log onto The Twitters as much. Because while I do not think there's anything wrong with staying on all day if you can, it was eating up my energy.

As a result, many of the Favstar whores have stopped following me because I'm not validating their neediness all the time, but truthfully? I don't miss them much and I lost most of them when my Twitter went private anyway. And I doubt these people read my blog anyway. They just want to star fuck. If you don't know what any of the last paragraph meant, just skip it. I don't have the energy to explain. You're not missing much anyway.

After that, I cleaned out my twitter. I've found that keeping my following list under 400 is manageable. Keep in mind, not all 400 are on at the same time. Between time zones and busy schedules, that's a number I can work around and not lose the content from my good friends whom I enjoy. I'm getting close to 400 again, so Mama may need to make another cut. WATCH OUT!

Next? I gave myself a break from commenting. I don't comment on every post I read and I'M SO SORRY! Really though, I doubt every one of my blogging friends comment on every one of my posts. In fact, I know they don't. So I need to give my perfectionist ass a break.

I also don't worry about my comment being witty or substantive every single time. If I have to think too hard, I'm doing it wrong. It's just a comment and if you don't appreciate my comment, you're a goddamn snob anyways. If I feel moved to comment and that comment is just a "Great Post!" That's what you're getting. Hope that's okay. And don't be jealous of the comments I leave that are witty. My wit has a mind of its own and isn't always reliable, but sometimes it surprises even me.

Then? I cleaned out my reader. If I hardly find myself wandering over to a certain blog or reading any posts, time to stop sparing feelings. Snip snip it's gone. That cluttered reader was too overwhelming.

But then, I stopped reading each post of every blog I have in my reader. This one was the hardest. It truly was. Not only do I want to support each blog that I choose to put in my reader, but I do it because I actually like the blog! I want to read it. But I just don't have the time. So if I miss a few, I don't beat myself up and just read the newer posts. Or if a post seems like it wasn't directed at my type, etc, I'll just skip it. No one wants to be read out of obligation anyway right? Right.

Lastly, I'm not really taking on any new blogs. I know that sounds incredibly snobby. And the occasional new blog which wows me does slip through. But just like a company that is saturated with employees, I'm saturated with blogs to read. Any more and I just won't be able to spend any QT with the blogs I'm already loyal to.

However, I can still support your blog in other ways! Ask me to guest post for you or ask to post on Sexy Saturdays. Or I'm sure we can come up with other ways to pimp you out, like on my FB page or Twitter. I just love pimping.

What do you do to keep your blogging sanity? Do you always comment? How many blogs do you read?