I read a blog today about a married woman confessing that she is jealous of her single friends, and while I am able to have
some empathy for this woman, my first reaction was
oh poor baby (sarcasm font). I mean, give me a break. If you got married young and didn't do the single thing in your twenties, I get that jealousy. And if you are your only married friend and you watch all your single pals having a "blast," I get that too. But, mostly, I'm like, what the hell are you jealous of?
The blind dates? The douchey guys in bars, in coffee shops, everywhere? The pitying stares from your married friends? Breakup after breakup? Being single can suck monkey ass. Now, I am a big advocate for being happy as you are, for finding yourself by yourself and loving the value of your own company. I am the first person to climb up on a soapbox and preach that. And maybe it's because I'm not very happy right now or because my self esteem is having trouble rebounding from my recent douchey rejection, but the whole idea of being jealous of the single life pissed me off. Really pissed me off. That whole, the grass is always greener shit just doesn't fly with me.
Now, if this woman was truly unhappy in her marriage, that is a whole other issue. And I am certainly not endorsing married or coupled life as the ultimate in lifestyle goals. Certainly not. I would never endorse one lifestyle over another. To each her own. Yadda yadda yadda. What I am saying is that being single may have its upsides (for sure), but it can also bite.
Being single (meaning jumping in and out of dates and short-term relationships) was a blast in my early twenties when all of my other friends were single. Not only would we all gang up for the girls nights or shopping days or spa days, but because we were all in the same boat, we could commiserate and share war stories and giggle together over our slutty moments. Some of us had more than others. I'm not naming names. *ahem* But when all your friends become paired off, singlehood loses its novelty.
When you are your only single friend, that third wheel status gets old incredibly fast, even when your friends' significant others are super duper people that go out of their ways to include you. And no offense to the super dupers, but they can't understand how it feels to always watch others in their cute, happy moments with no one to commiserate with. And even when you have awesome gal pals who leave their lovers for some girl time, talk always revolves back to the great guy or watching the phone for the call or text from the great guy or watching the door for the great guy.
Disclaimer: I want to apologize to my friends right now. This isn't about you necessarily and this doesn't mean I don't love you to my toes. But it can be hard to be around my coupled friends when I don't have any single friends. Seeing your incandescence only illuminates that deficiency in my life. Please understand that.
And there is a level of needs here. I have spent a good ten or so adult years getting to know myself by myself and crafting a world which I like very much. But I am over the go out and party thing, the hang out all day at a coffee shop thing. And that is great for a lot of people. Good for you for having fun and living your life how you want. But I did that. I'm over it. I got it out of my system and I'm done. Check. Now I just want to nest and paint and buy furniture and garden and travel on a better budget than hosteling. And even if I'm not in a couple, those are the things I need to do now. And what does that have to do with being in a relationship? I'll get to that.
Some of the comments on this woman's blog pissed me off even more. One woman said something like, well, most of my friends who are single are single for a reason. Don't be jealous of them. When we were marrying all the good guys, they all had issues. They just don't put themselves out there. Well, excuse me lady, but for one, all people have issues. Two, life just doesn't work out like that for all of us. Some of us didn't learn how to pick the good guys or we just had bad luck. And three, fuck you! Some people choose this life. And singlehood may suck sometimes, but we don't have leprosy. Would you like to ship us all off to an island where we can't bother you with our subversive behavior? And just how exactly would you like me to put myself "out there"? Shall I meet guys in bars? Have you seen those guys? Trust me, not the place to meet men. How about hanging around the Home Depot? I hear that is just the place to bag me a man. Or shall I just quit my busy job entirely and post myself on a street corner with a big sign that says, SINGLE AND DESPERATE AS ALL HELL. PLEASE MARRY ME OR JUST CALL ME. WHATEVER. I'LL TAKE ANY ATTENTION YOU'LL GIVE ME BECAUSE BEING SINGLE IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!
Well, fuck that. I'd rather garden and get some good reading in, maybe do a little solo traveling. Because at least I'm making myself happy, even if I get a little lonely sometimes or my self esteem dips after I've been dumped or I have a hard time feeling happy for my friends' happiness. I'm sorry if I don't have perfect emotions all the time. I realize that perky, funny Andy is the norm, so when pissy, caustic Andy comes in, she's hard to take. But you know, both of those women are me. And I've been swimming with the latter for a few weeks now. And I am okay with that, because I'm not ready to let her go yet.
So what am I saying? I don't want to be pitied or fixed up. I also don't always want to be the third wheel (still doesn't mean I want to be fixed up). When I have gal time, I want it to be gal time, because however well meaning you are, I don't need constant reminders of that deficiency in my life. And having all these coupled friends would be a hell of a lot easier with at least one perpetually single friend. At least one person who actually hears me. Ultimately, it would just be nice to have friends in both categories.
I'd love to put out a wanted ad.
Wanted: terminally single friend (can be male, female, gay, bi, trans, whatever) to buy shoes with, take baths, and commiserate. Must not pick up guys, girls or queens during our time together. Must not be in any danger of forming a long-term relationship or getting engaged. Baths optional.
in my living room and nobody gives a fuck (except my poor neighbors)
, Don Draper,
Christina Yang
, Neil Patrick Harris
(who is straight just for me) and the entire cast of Glee
(including Artie)
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