Friday, October 30, 2009

random thoughts of a crazy cat lady

Today has been one of those muddly, weird days where I haven't quite felt myself. No reason I guess, maybe because I was sick yesterday or maybe because it's the end of the week and I'm just kind of punchy and a little cranky. I think I totally scared a friend tonight as I was completely pissy with some kind of survey boy. But, DUDE, when I need to eat, I don't have time for your little surveys. And you should pop those pimples.

So, at this point, if I haven't scared you off, congratulations! You have proven your worth at reading the frightening ramblings of a crazy cat lady with a mouth like a sailor on death row. You are a winner.

And in that vein, since you're clearly a glutton for punishment right now, I will bestow upon you the random cranky thoughts that have been swirling around my oh so frightening brain this week, well actually, in this lifetime really. But I digress.

Why do men feel the need to bathe in cologne? How do you do that? Do you hook it up to the shower head? And if that's the case, I think that is the real reason that the French word for shower is douche. And also, whoever invented that Axe shit should be shot.

The perfume stores in malls are just as hazardous as smoking. Or Agent Orange.

Muscle cars. Fancy rims. Sub woofers. Raised trucks. Mudflaps with naked hookers on them. The revving of engines and squealing of tires. WHAT is that about? Do you really think that is an effective mating dance? Has a girl really torn off all her clothes due to your ridiculously overly-accessorized vehicle? Ever? Do you think it's a matter of odds, that eventually one will give in? Trust me, that kind of girl? You don't need to spend that much money or time or dignity. Just get the whore drunk. Works every time. But wait...we all know the truth and it isn't about girls or sex or even all about your tiny penis. This is a pisisng contest between you and all the other douches with bad sideburns. But let me let you in on a little secret, boys. Are you listening? You all have small penises, at least all those other douches you're bumping antlers with do. The guys with big penises are all at home, cuddling with their boyfriends and watching Cake Boss. So, stop spraying your testosterone everywhere and take a hint.

Racists. Homophobes. Anti-whateverreligionyouaren't. Bigots. I don't get you. You don't have to like everyone else or even approve of everyone else. But I have news for you. There are lots of other people on this planet and you don't get to decide who is better or worse. No one is hurting you. Just live your life and stop wasting so much energy on hating others already.

Pirates. I love you. Moving on.

People everywhere seem to be living under the assumption that cats are easy to take care of, that they're low-maintenance. Who these people are, I have no idea, but I hear of them. They probably own dogs, lucky bastards. Cats are high maintenance. At least mine are. My cats are attached to my fucking hip. They cry in the middle of the night because they've forgotten I'm home. They eat better than I do (it's cat food not people food, but still, that shit is expensive). Don't get me started on how kitty litter runs my life. And when one decides to barf, it's like the goddamn exorcist in my house. Cats are high maintenance.

I am bad at liking my neighbors. Even if they're nice people. But once you get friendly, they're all knocking on your door and wanting to socialize. Dude, I talk to people all day and when I go home, it's quiet time. Shh. Quiet time.

Girl toy or boy toy? Now I haven't been to a fast food restaurant in years, but it will always drive me insane that these cesspools make kids get girl toys or boy toys. When I was a kid, all I wanted was that damn monster truck. Last I checked, I'm still a girl.

I want nice things, but I also like food and the ability to pay rent and bills. It's a conundrum. Plus I like to say conundrum.

Aaaaaand scene

3 comments mean you love me:

by Don Davidson said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"I have friends who let their cats walk around on their counter, just like yours. I guess it doesn't bother them, either."-- my mother-in-law. (I'm looking forward to looking back on the time she came to stay, which is now, dammit.) Yep, it's a conundrum. Good word(s), Andrea.

Lynnette said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

as per Melissa "No don't pet, the cat is wet, we don't pet the cat in the winter" That is how people have low maintance cats.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

and that is a plus of being single, I suppose: no mother-in-law!

and people who don't pet their cats any time of the year are just warped.

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