Friday, October 2, 2009

breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

I really don't understand our society sometimes. We disinfect and cover ourselves in reflectors and pads and insulate ourselves in our homes away from the air and allergies and weather and, most horrifyingly, other humans. And okay, I am a fireman's daughter, so let's set aside basic safety for a moment and concede that I am simply making a point.

And that point is that life is for living. Do you hear me? Just in case you didn't, I'll say it again. Life. Is. For. LIVING.

I like to jog in the evening, mostly because it's cooler and I prefer to breathe in the cool air as I'm huffing along in my misery (I kid, sometimes I really enjoy myself when I don't feel like I'm gonna die right there on the sidewalk), but also because dusk is my favorite time of day. It's just plain beautiful. And what could be better than getting out into the cool dusky air with the light dimming and the silhouetted trees appearing against the orange sky? Not much, I tell ya.

But my crazy lady neighbor expressed concern yesterday at my desire to go out at this supposed perilous time of day. Apparently I could die. Or worse. And I'm sure I could. And I'm sure I could die driving to work or a satellite could fall out of the sky or terrorists could take California hostage. All sorts of things could happen to any of us at any time. And while certain wise measure just make sense, I can't get on bored with living in constant fear or even paranoia. I live my life to live and I'll take risks in order to enjoy a beautiful evening or anything else I enjoy that could be perceived as somewhat dangerous.

So, naturally, I was thinking about this as I was jogging yesterday. Last weekend, as you may have read, I had a little, well, as friend put it, a little heartshake. Not break, but I was shaken up a bit. But, I don't know if I'd even go that far. I was just somewhat bruised. And while it may have seemed that I wasn't handling it well (especially to me, I admit), I actually did handle it well. For the first time really. I have a long history of bottling up any emotion and barreling forward with "strength." I say strength within quotes because strength for fear of emotion is not true strength. But, I didn't know that then, so who can blame me? And like any bruise, it takes a while to disappear, to completely heal. But the pain subsides somewhat quickly.

However, and without going through the loooong and sordid details of my past, I did a huge uncorking of emotion last year. I let go and, for the first time, felt buried emotions I'd never dealt with and have subsequently have been the happiest I've ever been. Isn't it amazing how leaning into emotion can lead to happiness? Well, it can. Anyway, so this last weekend when the weepiness and cattiness seemed to overwhelm me, it was just real emotion swirling around that I didn't know what to do with. And it was great that I didn't know, because I just let the emotion swirl and allowed myself to dig deep and get incredibly raw and honest. And you know what happened next? I felt great. I really and truly did. I felt fucking fantastic. And so I picked my ass up and hauled myself outside and allowed myself to feel great. I leaned into that emotion too.

So what does this have to do with my original point you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked, my friend. I am glad you asked.

We can't hide from our emotions. We have to feel them, fully, even if they seem trivial or negative or misguided. Lean into them. Explore them. That is life. And when we hide from them or cork them down in the attempt to be strong, they just come back to fuck us up later. But, if we aren't so hard on ourselves and we allow feelings to take their course, strength comes naturally. And that's how I was feeling as I jogged my butt down the street yesterday evening, enjoying the cooling evening and the gorgeous sky. I felt strong. That is what life is about, Internet, when you feel like falling, just fall. Sink into that feeling. And when you can, you pick your ass back up and you enjoy every minute of this measly existence! You can never really protect yourself or your heart. You just have to jump into life and live it, dammit!

Insert brilliant segue here

So, I have been having a love affair with Ingrid Michaelson. This woman is awesome on like 275 levels. I've been wanting to share her with you, Internet, for a few days, but as it turns out, this song is song perfectly fucking suited for today's post. Please enjoy. Make all the allusions you want between the song and what I've been rambling on about. Plus, allusions is a fun word to say.

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