Crack House

I have the worst luck of anyone. Ever. In the history of luck. In the history of history. Let's recap. Last year at this time I was driving around a rental car because some dumb broad pulled out in front of me and totaled my car. Lovely. And I was sick, like death hungover. I only mention last year's events because October is the biggest time of year for my job and it seems that the universe refuses to let my life be manageable at all so that I can manage my work. No, instead, October has become a vortex of mishaps so that my mind literally hangs on the brink.

In the last 4 weeks, I have been dumped by a douche over the phone, my wallet was stolen, and just last Thursday, I clipped a low pole with my bumper and popped the damn thing out. It was completely my own stupid ass fault, but it still sucks monkey ass. And while it looks bad, I'm pretty sure it's drive-able, maybe not over 60 mph, but it's working okay so far. I mean, it's got to. I can't afford to fix her. So I just pray that the damn thing doesn't fall off.

Starting around Wednesday (before the bumper incident), I started feeling like a cold was approaching. Remember the flu shot incident? I earned the right to not get sick, dammit! I should not and cannot get sick. I don't have time to get sick. I paid $15 and a paralyzed arm and upset stomach to not get sick. Nope. Not gonna happen this year. Noppety nope. But, I my throat was sore and my glands felt swollen. Not good. On the up side, I think I'll blame feeling sick on the bumper. It's a good enough rationalization as any right?

So in the effort to not get sick in the next week, I have made a new best friend. Internet, meet EmergenC. My new friend is wonderful. She is always available (yes, it's a SHE), she makes me feel fantastic, and she tastes great. Yes, I taste this friend. I prefer the Acai berry flavor (no, not because of Oprah) in apple juice. And this friend is my new "crack." Now, I say new very loosely lest the cops search my home for crack. I have never done crack. I don't even know what crack looks like. I wouldn't even know how to take crack. If it involves needles, I'm out right now. I say crack with a loving reference to addiction. We all have our addictions and I think that if we cut out that nasty word and just call it crack, the world would be a better place. We'd all feel much better about ourselves, I'm sure of it.

Some people gamble. I, personally, don't like to gamble. I'd rather put my money in a cash register and take home shoes. I win every time, guaranteed. Some girls (and boys for that matter. we're equal opportunity addicts here) eat their feelings. Never been a problem for me. When I'm upset, I can't eat. I tend to eat when I'm happy, so happiness may be a problem for my waistline in the long run. I'll just eat that bridge when I get to it. Some people drink. I personally can't hold my liquor, which you know if you've been reading these posts. A couple drinks and I am done. Yay for me.

I've certainly indulged in my fair share of cracks. I like FaceCrack, also known as Facebook. I like to shop my feelings. Remember the shoes? Mmm, works every time. Not just shoes either. I could buy post-its and feel better. But, that's unfair. I have an unhealthy love of post-its. They make my world so organized and bright and happy. My whole filing system at work is based on my post-its. Nonetheless, small purchase or large, shopping is a fine upper. Indeed. But right now, my crack is EmergenC. And I do not give a cat's ass on a rat that it is quite possible to overdose with vitamins. I know that. I am fully aware of the risks. But do you know the risks of me getting sick before or during any point next weekend? DO YOU? This is the biggest weekend of the year for me and it is imperative that I not get sick. So I am sucking down this vitamin elixir like gin and juice. Not that I even know what gin and juice tastes like, or even what the "juice" is, but it sounds so hard core, right? Holla! I only have 6 more days to get through and I will do what it takes to stave off the plague, goddammit!

And you know, despite the crack and the wallet and the bumper and the douche, I'm not upset. Maybe it's mania. Maybe it's just all the vitamin C coursing through my veins. My very happy veins. Maybe my brain is just protecting itself, like a survival mechanism. All I can feel is something akin to delirium. It's funny, right? I mean, who lives like this? Who else does all this shit happen to? All I can do is laugh, somewhat maniacally. Maybe I've just completely lost it. I've succumbed to my crazy cat lady destiny. I have two cats. I'm hopelessly single. All I needed was the crazy. Check! Now I just need an old house and some overalls and big hats to garden in. I am on my way to Crazy Cat Lady Land.