Sexy Saturdays: The Boys in the Band

Happy Sexy Saturday! Today happens to be Christmas, so as an extra special present to you, I'll be posting this week.

WHA? Oh yes. You lucky ducks.

Back in the day, I had a weakness for the boys in the band. Oh who am I kidding? I still am. So I thought I'd impart my extensive knowledge and tell you just who in the band you should sleep with if you want a good time.

I'm nothing if not magnanimous. Look at me passing on my knowledge and helping you guys out!

I think we should start with the worst and work our way up, yes? Okay.

Also: I'm going with the 3 person band format. I realize there are all sorts of other musicians out there. For those guys? Judge for yourself. 

The lead singer: he has a tiny penis. He does. Trust me. Watch him the next time you're at a concert. Look at how he holds the mic. There's a reason he's deep throating it.

He needs to be in the front of the band, to feel like he's the most important one there (but he's really not. we'll get to that in a second.). That way he gets laid even though his penis is wee. And he feels like a big man.

But not only is his penis minuscule, he is so stuck on himself that he won't even try to pleasure you in any way or make the experience memorable for you. He may even want you to blow him even though that will be confusing because it will seem like sucking on a mini-hotdog. He might be pretty (and he most definitely is), but he knows it and that means a boring time for you in the sack.

The only exception to this rule is the acoustic singer sans band. This guy is hot and soulful and writes his own music. He's still not the best in bed, but he'll be romantic and passionate and dote on you and maybe even write you a poem after.

The bass guitarist: this guy is hit or miss.

You either get the guy who is overlooked because the lead singer is such a showboating douchenozzle and so makes up for it in the sack (and there's something to be said for the guy who is overlooked.). Or you get the guy who thinks the bass is more important than it is and the same goes for his penis.

Or you get the bassist who is the best of both worlds. He rocks and he's the quiet type. Sexy. Oh so sexy. But you take a risk when going for the bassist. Just be aware you don't know what you're going to get. My advice? When he's on stage, go for the quieter type.

The drummer: I admit. I've always had a weakness for drummers.

For good reason too. The drummer is the heartbeat of the band. It falls apart without him. It's an interesting personality that sits in the back but holds everything together. Watch the drummer the next time you're at a concert. He's not always the best looking but he is definitely the hottest. Without a doubt the hottest.

I dated my share of drummers, starting in high school. But the best I sex I have ever had ever was with Tony. My friends who've known me a long time are laughing right now because he was kind of an oaf, kind of a loser when it came to real life. But friends? Let me tell you, that man could do things with his pelvis that you didn't know were possible.

Because drummers know all about rhythm. I think you know what I mean.

Now I am a girl who likes the foreplay. I am queer after all, so oral is usually my favorite part of The Sex (write that down). But with Tony? We didn't even need foreplay. Never mind that watching him play was pretty much all the foreplay I needed, we jump right in and I'd reach enlightenment. Several times. Best. Sex. Ever.

I realize I may have just broken the cardinal rule of womanhood in actually admitting who gave me the best sex ever. I feel like I must make a disclaimer to my past lovers and boyfriends who I know read this bloggy blog. You guys rocked my socks off. Your techniques and hands and tongues were all delightful. Believe me! I'm just talking about a particular skill that I'd never experienced before and haven't since.

So ladies? The best is the drummer. Mark my words.