Thursday, December 30, 2010

On Dating and Assholes and Aesthetics

So it's not gonna work out with the New Guy. Turns out, he's kind of an asshole.

We went out Tuesday night. And honestly? While I'd love to rehash every single moment, both good and horrifying, my conscience is telling me not to. I've already done that with my close friends anyway. Also? It's too surreal for words. The act of writing them just makes me cringe.

Dating? Sucks. Sucks hard. For those of you who haven't been single in a long time, let me remind you of the suckiness. The wading through potential partners, simultaneously wanting to be loved and also figuring our what you hate. Wanting to give someone a chance but also cautious because assholes abound. It sucks.

And it sucks more at 30. Every year in the dating world gets worse and worse as I get more and more exhausted, as my heart gets bruised more and more, as I meet asshole after asshole disguised as nice guys.

You guys ask why the nice guy never gets the girl? I'll tell you why: it's impossible sometimes to tell the difference. Not that all my exes are assholes. Some of them were nice guys, but just didn't love me. But the first dates get so endlessly exhausting. Weeding through the masses. Every douchewad making it harder and harder to put yourself out there again. But you do because every time you see a happy couple or you see a sweet baby being cuddled, you ache in your soul.

And as you get older, you recognize signs earlier. Red flags appear sooner. Things that didn't bother you at 21 fester in your gut and tell you to get out of there.

So it's in this position I found myself last night with a guy who I'd thought, I'd hoped at any rate, was a nice guy, kind, and most importantly, not shallow.

What can I say? It went well until it didn't. Until he felt the need to express his real needs.

I can't even recount what happened. I simply cannot do it. But as I found myself insulted on bases of aesthetics, I thought, Seriously? I am 30 fucking years old! I am too old for this shit. Shouldn't a good guy not give a shit about that? Shouldn't I not have to deal with this by now?

I guess not. Would it be too much to ask for a guy who doesn't tell me I'm gorgeous, but could you change this one little thing? And on a first date no less. The gall of it pisses me off every time I think about it.  The stupidity of something so superficial being so crucial. He looked at me like he didn't want it to be the deal breaker...if I would just give in and change it. Then everything would be fine. It wasn't a big deal, right? If I would just give in.

Look, I'm sorry I'm being so cryptic, but it's the best I can do. Just know it was something aesthetic and superficial and something that maybe a lot of women wouldn't care about but insulted me deeply.

But at 30, I know who the hell I am. I'm cool with it. I like myself as-is. I know what primping I'm willing to do and I know what's not worth my damn time. And no one gets to tell me what to change. No one.

I'm not a 21 year old girl. I'm a 30 year old woman. I come with a belly. A few wrinkles. My boobs are small. I have a great ass. Some cellulite. And hair, which an adult woman should have and which is a bitch to remove and I don't mind having.

I wear a small amount of makeup most days to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. But that's about it. I generally don't spend that much time on my hair, unless it's a special occasion. Same with the makeup.

I like me. Aesthetic me and the brilliant, outspoken, quirky dork I am. The latter I consider so much more important. The aesthetic is nothing, so unimportant. So inconsequential. Not only is physical perfection boring, it scares me in its masochism. The amount of dedication and primping necessary to achieve the desirable body, face, hair, etc is astounding. It makes me sick to think about it.

So I suppose I'm grateful that I discovered the shallow nature of this guy so soon. But it still sucked.

Why? Because I was excited. Because I put myself out there once again and was disappointed yet again. 

Is it too much to ask for a guy that feels that way too? For a guy who's smart, traveled, educated, liberal, kind, and who appreciates women as they are and not as some paradigm he expects them to live up to.

Oh and he must love Star Wars. And me. All of me. As-is.

Before you all call me a hypocrite and tell me that women demand that kind of aesthetic value too, let me just say that while many men feel the pressure to be fit and attractive, the amount of grooming expected of women is much more intense.

Also, I don't expect that of men. I mean, I expect cleanliness, brushing of teeth, etc. That's just gross not to. I know; I lived in France.

However, the things that most attract me to others are the imperfections, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies, the differences that make someone unique and intriguing. I am me and I am changeable and special. I wouldn't expect anything different in a partner.

So I leave you there to think about that. Maybe one of you will send such a guy to Portland.

Now listen to this song by India Arie, sent to me by my lovely friend LegallyErin last night to make me feel better. This is exactly how I feel.


22 comments mean you love me:

The Savage said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I do love Star Wars and the little imperfections that make people real. Unfortunately I can't afford to move to Oregon...

Caren Gittleman said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

this video should be required listening for teen-age girls everywhere! I loved it!

Don't change who you are my friend, as trite as it sounds you are "a woman of substance" and you will find someone who not only sees that but appreciates it.

I didn't find a man who appreciated me for ME til my 40s...what age it happens doesn't matter.....if it is meant to happen it will...just keep that marvelous sense of self. You rock!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Savage- oh well :)

Caren- you're awesome. thank you.

Erin said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Great post. I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself! (And glad the song meant something to you.)

Kimber Leszczuk. said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Don't change. Be you. If they can't love you for you then they are NOT the person you want to be with. You are right he is an a$$hole. IF he is asking you to change something small now - it will not be the only thing he asks you to change. THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG. He will become a controlling abusive jerk. It starts with something small then will eventually become everything till you have nothing of yourself left and are everything he wants you to be.

Stay strong. Find someone who loves the you that is you. Not some fantasy he has of what a girl he wants you to be is.

amydpp said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dude, sucks. I feel your pain :(

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Erin- thanks, love. <3

Kimber- that is EXACTLY what I thought that night and why I got my ass out of there. thanks and love to you!

amy- word. xo

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sounds like a complete wanker. Good thing you found out at this stage though. Fingers crossed the nice, right, guy is just around the corner with the brains to like you and love you just the way you are. They do exist...just hard to pick out amongst all the twats.

Have a lovely New Years and all the best for 2011!

E said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dating is so brutal. Sadly I had a great date a few nights ago after two weeks of talking everyday. We even chatted afterwards, then nothing for two days. Finally I called him out on his bad behavior and that I deserved more respect and consideration then just getting the silent treatment.

I will send good vibes your way, because there will be bumps and bruises along the way. Good luck.

And you're perfect as you are because that is how you're supposed to be. Quirks and all!

Lynnette said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for sharing the video, I love it! I think that is something everyone needs to be reminded of now and then. You are perfect at being you.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Nush- he was a wanker! yeah! thanks, hon! <3

E- thanks so much! feeling your vibes...

Lynnette- thanks, sweets! <3

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm 27, which I think is close enough to your age that it doesn't make a difference to me (but maybe does to you?) and I'm in the same place. All of the true loves in my life thus far have happened to gracefully and naturally (ummm, hooking up with your ex's best friend is graceful AND natural, right? Haha...) that I feel like I'm spending too much time "dating" & not enough time just meeting people. But in med school, I literally have like, one free night every third week (once you subtract the ladies nights and such), and I just hate putting in wasted energy.
I feel like there are two good things I've learned from dating. One is that it is an honest and refreshing look at myself every third week. What do I like about me? What do I want to improve upon? Seeing yourself through a different gaze can be really good for you if you make it into that. Good in the sense that you think of who *you* *want* to be, and then make changes to make that who you are. Bad if you let it be about what the nincumpoop (sp?) across from you wants.
The second is that if it's a bad date, it makes for SUCH good stories with the chosen family in your life. I think I'm getting tired of the stories though...
Anyways, if I knew of some free lads or ladies in the PDX, I would send them your way in a heartbeat. You're an amazing person and irrespective of when you find love, you're living your life fully, and that's what the world needs right now.

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh, also, I've decided I'm buying a guitar and one of the first songs I want to learn is this one, and I want to sing it to myself Every morning as a mantra. "my hips my thighs my (dudun) my eyes, I'm loving all of me," or however it goes. Thanks for reminding me of this awesome song!

Susie Kline said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I was single at 30. My friends suggested I stop dating so many different men and just pick one. Except I pretty much knew after 1 or 2 dates whether this would go anywhere.

Then I met my husband. Twice I almost dumped him. First, he wasn't sure he wanted kids since he was 40. I decided it wasn't a deal-breaker. We no have three boys. Second, when he told me I was no Marliyn Monroe and he was no Arnold Schwarzenegger. We were just regular people. He was right and who can argue with honesty?

Unfortunately you have to date. Even when the dates start to feel like job interviews. Because the only way you find the right one is to put yourself out there.

Good luck! At least you get some great stories!

Xo susie

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Jackie- oh how I love you. I think 3 years isn't that big a diff, except that the last 3 have been HUGE for me for personal growth (also exhausting for heartbreaks, but that's situational). it's just that every year adds more pressure ya know? but I stopped the whole wasted time thing a while back and started just meeting people organically (both friends and lovers). prob is, it's still difficult to weed out the asses at first. <3

Susie- thanks so much for that comment. it was reassuring to hear! xoxo

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

A- feeling's mutual <3
And, yeah. I met this guy who I thought was going to *be* a somebody. He was friends with all of my favorite people, we'd met once yrs prior when I was still in the grips of a terrible relationship, and we had sooo much in common, and I was sooo into him. I literally did not realize what a player he was until 2 weeks ago, one of my last nights in Denver before coming back to Vegas. It was almost relieving, like, yeah, it didn't work out, but it wasn't something I did. Dude was a player from way back when. It's just a shame I fell for the game. Live, love and learn. I just feel I'm going to raise a daughter one day & be like, lil sister, have I got some stories for you! Either that or be a Great freakin auntie for my two nieces :)

Shnerfle said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

So, you want I should make a call? *offer still open*

The dude was a total douchecanoe and should consider himself lucky that he got *that* close to you.

It will come, honey. It came for me when I didn't want it and thought that a soccer mom was the lowest form of life. And yet, here I am, in my minivan. Life never does what it's supposed to do. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Enjoy your now, live your life, and love will come.

I promise.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

woman, you rock my world. love you muchly. <3

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

::shakes fist at dipshit man::
i know several good men in portland; however they're around my age (24 - 26ish) so that might not do you too well. but depending on what types of men you like... i might have some suggestions of people who already live there!

: ]

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks for the offer, doll. I've actually decided to be celibate for a while. get some perspective. :)

The Barreness said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The trouble is, I just don't look at small babies and che in my soul.

Well, okay I ache a little, but mostly that's just pity for the poor woman who's having to cart the bloody thing around all day...

Nevermind the wankers, lovely. Just as the world is short of fabulous chicks, it's also short of decent men.

In their place, however, there are lots (and I mean LOTS) of Spaniards, which I've always found to be a perfectly satisfying substitute.

- B x

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

maybe I just need to move to Spain. when I lived in France, I dated a delicious Roman. he was lovely.

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