On Love

Love.

I thought I'd tackled this topic before. But no, I'd just talked about The Sex and how it relates to The Love.

I do believe in Love. Love with a capital L.

I do. Just because my experience with it is limited, doesn't mean I don't think it exists. I've seen it.

On of my best friends, Morgan, is getting married. And while she and her imminent husband (her term) may not have seen it, they had this meant-to-be-ness surrounding them from the start.

I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe in timing and chemistry and compatibility and desire and these two have all that in spades. The spark between them was so strong even in the beginning that we all couldn't help but be fall in love with them as a couple.

Morgan expressed some angst recently that friends and fam didn't seem to be surprised or excited enough when they announced their engagement or over wedding plans (I think). But I told her (and I can only speak for myself here) that I hope my excitement translated (I think it did as I squealed over the phone like an 8 year old girl who just got her Barbie Dream House) because I am so excited!

But I was not surprised. Not surprised at all. In fact, I was comforted to know they were making this happen because if these two did not end up together, the world would implode.

These two renew my faith in Love.

I have loved. But have never been loved. I have been told the words. But known they were empty, despite the desire to mean them. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I know what it looks like and I know what it doesn't look like.  

I don't believe in destiny. I've said that. So therefore I don't want to be someone's other half. 1 and 1 make 2. We're not incomplete people searching to be whole (thanks, Aristotle). We're whole people all on our own. So I want someone who is great and happy all alone. Who doesn't need me to be happy. But wants me anyway.

Love is not a filler of a void. I have to go back to the idea that you have to fill that yourself, love yourself. Otherwise someone else's love will just wash in and out of that cavity.  Because I think Love is complimentary.  I don't think you can truly love and appreciate someone else until you and appreciate yourself first. I don't think love can survive otherwise.

Love is about balance. I can't be someone's idol and I shouldn't worship someone else. Imbalance just seems to me to be a shoddy way to begin. I want to find my equal. Someone who challenges me in a way I can reciprocate. Someone who loves me with the same force I do.

I don't want to be anyone's doctor. I can't fix what is wrong with you. I can be a kickass listener and I'm supportive to a fault. But my job is not to mend your brokenness. You have to do that work yourself.

Love is not an addiction. So many people struggle with addiction to substances, why is addiction to a person so encouraged? If it's not a healthy relationship, then it's not love.

Love is between adults. I'm not looking to parent anyone and I'm not looking for a parent. I didn't get the mother I deserved, but I also don't deserve to replace her with a romantic partner and neither should my partner have to parent me. I have to learn to parent myself, to give myself the love my mother didn't.

I think that bears repeating. Whatever love you didn't get in childhood is not the responsibility of a romantic partner.

I feel like this post is getting preachy. Or pedantic. Or just lame.

I feel like I'm not making my point well.

Maybe my ideas about love are naive. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss. But each of those situations above? I've been in. And that's not love.

Love is not a safety net, not something to fix our bruised and broken lives, not something to obsess over and cling to with desperation and fear. I don't think so anyway.

So I'll wait, thanks, for that real thing. For the love that blows me away.