Friday, November 12, 2010

in which I don't write

I've been having trouble wanting to write lately.

I'm stressed. And cranky. 

I know the act of writing will ease my stress, but coming up with a topic is stressful too.

I feel like I did during the end of each semester in college. During the semester, I'd whip out brilliant essays no problem. My mind would be whirling with topics and theses during class and I'd write like a maniac and out would come something I was proud of.

But at the end of the semester, under deadlines and pressure and still had 4 novels to finish for that one seminar and 5 papers due, I'd lose any ability to even start a paper. I'd stare at the screen blanky hoping a brilliant thesis would pop out at me and I could work from there. If I could just get that one brilliant idea...

Yeah I got nothing.

I've got stress. It's looking like Jete's surgery will not be paid for by any vaccine company because her records are incomplete and we have no proof of which manufacturer's vaccine she was given. So that's 3 grand right there. And there's nothing I can do about it.

But the donations keep coming in. Because you guys are amazing. I wish I could just climb through my computer and hug you! The original vaccine company is now refusing to pay for her biopsy that she already had and they already refused to pay for. But with your help, I just might afford that. 

I even got copies of all her records so I could do my own sleuthing. There's nothing there.

But I don't really want to write about that. I'm so tired of writing about that.

She gets her first carboplatin treatment today. And then I'll be keeping and eye on her to make sure she doesn't have a bad reaction.

But I don't really want to write about that.

I had a complicated night last night. Went to Lissa Rankin's book signing which was super cool and nurturing and the feminine energy just filled me and warmed my soul. I love discussing sex and vaginas and gender theory. I need more of that. I have so many thoughts I want to write about from that experience.

But then I had a dose of having to be the bad guy when I knew I was doing the right thing. But doing the right thing doesn't always make everyone happy.

So life is complicated.

But I don't really want to write about that.

I need to be looking for part-time work to supplement my meager and temporary freelance gig. But there's always so much else going on. How do I find the balance?

But I don't really want to write about that.

There's a video roaming the internet showing high school girls falling as they try and jump over hurdles on a track. People are in stitches over these girls falling on their faces and getting up and trying again.

But it just breaks my heart. These are just young girls. No athlete is born leaping over hurdles. These are not actresses. These are real girls! For whom high school is probably tough enough with other mean girls and boys and sexuality and periods and a myriad of shit that happens between the ages of 13 and 18.

And now they have to deal with the entire internet laughing at them for just trying to do something at which they stumbled. Do we not think it was humilating enough to have fallen in the first place? But now the whole world is laughing.

The same people laughing are the same people rallying against the bullying of GLBT teens. And I still stand for that cause. But how is this any different?

These girls are being bullied by the world now. People everywhere pull up this video and laugh.

We love to think we're so enlightened, but we're not enlightened. We're assholes. Ready to defend when it's popular, but quick to laugh when everyone else is laughing.

Assholes. 

But I guess I don't really want to write about that either.

Then there's that pedophile how-to manual, which is on Amazon. I won't link to it. If you want to know more and hear more eloquent arguments, check out these posts by Late Enough and My Tornado Alley.

I am the first to condemn censorship. i support pornography and banned books. So this is a delicate topic for me and one which I want to broach carefully.

Publishers have no trouble applying censorship as they see fit. If this were about free speech and freedom of the press, we'd see the word "vagina" on the cover of books more often. There wouldn't be banned books in any state. More writers of controversial subjects would be published.

But this isn't about censorship.

I also suspect that pedophiles don't really need how-to manuals. I'm willing to bet that these predators know just how to pick their victims and prey upon the weak and helpless.

What I'm concerned about is what a book of this kind condones. Is Amazon really going on record condoning pedophilia? That's the message I'm hearing.

When vaginas are censored and pedophilia is not, there is a disconnect. We've really missed what's important in our society.

But I really don't want to write about that.

I will do something, however. I'll be taking the Amazon ads off my site. And I won't link to Amazon products anymore. Just to ease my conscience.

If you disagree, don't read. My blog has always had the most amazing and supportive readership. You guys encourage my foul mouth and range of racy subjects. So it bears saying that I'd like to keep it that way. I have a small readership, but an awesome one. Those who want to be mean or rude can go fuck themselves. They don't have a place here.

I guess I could write about that.

But I'm too cranky.

Instead, here's a baby picture of moi:
Don't be jealous. Not everyone can be this damn cute.

I know I feel a little better now. How about you?

12 comments mean you love me:

Caren Gittleman said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Kudos to you!
Loved this post!
Very wise move to remove Amazon from your blog...so glad to have found you!
and yes you were "damn cute!"

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, Caren! so glad you found me too. welcome!

:D

KLZ said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Actually, baby you did just make me feel a ton better. You were cute even then.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

aww! *blushy*

thank you, love!

leymilne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Maybe I've been living in a cave, but this is the first that I've heard of this whole Amazon thing. But THANK YOU, my dear Andy, for writing about it because now one more person is informed, and one more person can take their Amazon ads off of their blog.

How many times and ways have you told me to hang in there, and that no matter how hard it is to imagine, it WILL all get better?? I'm not as good with words as you, but it Will get better, and we're all rooting for you!

**hugs**

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh where do I start..? Hadn't heard that about Amazon, am very surprised and very upset about it. There is a limit!

In regards to the girls falling...that is so nasty. Poor girls are probably mortified. And unless the falling is something they themselves laugh about then it is bullying. Let's face it...people can be very cruel and two-faced.

About Jete, am very sorry to hear about all the issues surrounding her and her treatment. It breaks my heart as I know what it is like having a sick kitty. One of my two cats has FIV so he is in and out of the vet and no health insurance will cover him. I will try to send over a bit, it won't be loads but hopefully it helps.

Anyway, you can be as cranky as you want..its your bloody blog so.. :) and your posts are always great to read.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ley- you are wonderful and that is just what I needed to hear. I should try to take my own advice more. :)

*muah*

Nush- I just got your donation. thank you so so so much! it will help immensely. I am so grateful. so glad to have you as a reader!

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Andy,
It must be contagious, because I have been feeling the same way lately. I even walked away from my blog for a month, thinking I just needed to ,recharge. Maybe it's the changing seasons, maybe it's stress, maybe my panties are too tight, who knows? But I glad to see that you're still writing. Even if it's writing about all the things we don't want to write about. Kudos to you, a mushroom print to Amazon, and smiles to me just looking at that picture. You are the cat's meow. (Also sending good feline vibes to Jete.)

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Forgot to say that I'm sending a donation just as soon as I can. Can't think of a better cause to send mt meager pittance to!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Dawn, you rock my socks. sometimes just the act of writing, even when we don't feel like it, helps. so that's what I try to do.

and thank you so much, love! anything you can give helps!!!

Lori said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

When I didn't expect to post very often, I had the hardest time coming up with ideas. But then I did the NaBloPoMo thing, and now I just make myself write, even if it's crap. I wrote. And that feels good.

Even if it hurts to read.

Sorry 'bout that.

;-)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

haha! no, you're right. just writing is helpful. I try to post every day if I can. even if I have to force myself.

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