Monday, November 29, 2010

Smackdown: The Bitch vs. The Bliss

I realize I do a lot of bitching on this blog.  A lot of kvetching. I'm okay with this, firstly, because it's my damn blog and if I want to bitch about something, this is my space for that. I created this blog to express myself first and foremost and sometimes a form of that expression is the art of The Bitch.

And I'm quite an artist in this capacity, let me tell you. Very practiced. Accomplished even. One day I hope to be a leader in the field.

But that's not all I am. I used to write a lot about the little joys, the sweet things in life which I sought out and brought my heart joy. When I quit my cushy yet stressful job in order to move to Portland, one of the goals I set for myself was to seek my bliss as much as possible. I succeeded, too, for quite some time. Sought joy in the little pleasures, in food, in creativity, in people, in sex.

The sex was my favorite part. No, the food was. Okay, they were both awesome.

But with financial woes, a cat with cancer, psycho stalkers, and a tinge of homesickness (for the record, I miss my friends, and fam, and even the food, but I don't really miss California itself), I seem to have forgotten my bliss. Where has it gone? I'm not sure. I spend most of my days lately with migraines and my nights with nightmares.

I'm cranky more often than not. And while I am loathe to behave contrary to my emotions, while I believe wholeheartedly in giving myself space to feel how I feel, it's getting old. It's getting tired. I'm sick of being a bitch all the time.

I want to find my bliss again.

Baby steps on the bus.

I don't make much money. But what money I do make, I make by doing part-time writing and web content editing. I get to do it at home if I want and, let's be completely honest, working in my pajamas is pretty fucking awesome. But it gets old. And is not very joyful. And I start to go stir crazy cooped up in my house all the time.

So I've started venturing to my favorite coffee shop again. I get a huge mug of tea, find a table near a plug, turn on Pandora, pop in my earbuds, and get my work done. It's lovely really. It doesn't feel like working anymore. It's delicious.

That's where I sit now, as I type this but probably not as you're reading it. Music soothing my ears, tea soothing my cold bones, letting my fingers tap away while the world is warm and cozy.

The little joys.

Baby steps.

This Thursday, I get to cash in an airline credit and fly to Las Vegas see one of my best friends on the plant and her family. I'll get to see my little nephew, who is growing like some kind of chernobyl weed, before he reaches 6'5". And he's not even 3 years old yet. I've got the books I bought him all wrapped and a little toy dinosaur that I hope he destroys in 5 minutes flat.

I can't wait to hug my lovely friend and gossip with her and share our frustrations and joys again like we used to do for hours and hours when we were younger. I don't even care if we never leave the house. Except to get In n Out. Which is imperative.

Finding my bliss.

Next step: find a new lover. Someone flesh and blood who can make me remember what unbridled and uninhibited pleasure feels like.

Maybe he's not entirely right for me. But he's right for me right now. In my fantasy, he's fit but not obsessed. He's 36 and a fire captain (okay, like my dad was, I know! Daddy issues. shut the fuck up) and has excellent arm musculature. He has curls I can get tangled up in. His name is something old fashioned and safe, like Henry.

Or maybe it's not even a he! Maybe it's a she. I meet her out and about and can't help but be captivated. She's got shaggy hair, is androgynous, not too masculine nor feminine. She's utterly intriguing and plays sports but also knits. She's small but unbelievably strong. She's sweet and shy but is forward just with me. Her name isn't important because she has a nickname anyway. Nobody calls her by her real name.

Finding my bliss. The Bitch can stay. She serves her purpose. But The Bliss, she lives here too.

31 comments mean you love me:

The Chicken's Consigliere said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Maybe her nickname is Henri. Because she is named Henrietta after her maternal grandmother, but obviously, the name just never fit. She's not a Henrietta. She is a Henri. Sometimes, when she's screwing with someone, she wears a beret and pronounces it the French way. Or maybe the French-Canadien way, eh?

Jen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love everything about this post. I've been working on finding my bliss as well. I discovered, for me, it's easier to find in the summertime.

And working alone in a coffee shop is my idea of heaven. (Says the girl wrangling the 2 year old between pecks on the keyboard.)

Kudos!

(For the record, I'm insanely jealous you work from home.)

Liz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm glad you chose Vegas for your miles! Have a blast!

And I wish you the best of luck as you take baby steps toward your bliss.

E said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Here's to finding your bliss!

Caren Gittleman said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

absolutely loved this!!!

You are right...it is your "damn" blog and you can do whatever you damn well please!

We are all "bitches and bliss"...also, Lord knows you have enough on your plate right now.

Ok...fill me in....how does one go about getting a job editing web content? I am out of work...I just get paid super minimally for the blog...I am all ears!
Email me and fill me in!

Shnerfle said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Moving is hard, change is hard, starting over is hard. But you can do it. Getting out of the house is a step. And reconnecting with old friends sounds like a great time. Balance is good.

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The Bliss sounds good! Fingers crossed that it gets all lined up very soon for you. Enjoy the music, the caffeine, the laughs and gossip and the hopefully forthcoming frolicking. :)

GlamorousArmy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Bitching is healthy. Only crazy people will tell you otherwise....and that's because they are pent up.
I heart you anyway, and your bitchiness!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

my goodness! I did not expect to wake to so many comments! thank you all for your nice comments!!!

I do agree that bitching is healthy to an extent.

:D and yes, I def think her name is Henri. that is fucking HOT!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh and Caren? I work for the same employer who employed me full time in CA. I did the web editing and MUCH more there and they kept me part time when I moved.

but I see content editor jobs online all the time. just go look! :)

Menzies said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Changed up the handle a bit when I realized I could use my WP ID here.

Bitching is healthy perhaps more than any other reason because it avoids the alternative. If you can get the rush of anger out of you by verbalization alone, even partly, it's a big help versus using some other crutch. (That would be the anger management therapy talking.)

But bliss is always something you have to go out and recapture. I find it usually fleeting – but all the more valuable, and worth seeking, because for how short bliss tends to be over the course of a lifetime, it really does leave some deep memories in one.

Thus, I say – good luck with it!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

it just stops being healthy when it consumes you. more bliss for me!

Alliegresham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Absolutely love this post! It was perfect! And I can totally relate!! Loves girl!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, lovey!

Bitter Betty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh there will be bliss. In the form of in n out. Maybe a trip to the spa (my treat), Ethan's snuggles, food and my family, and chocolate too if you want!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

SPA? snuggles? chocolate? wooooohoooooooo!

Poppy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

What you described sounds like bliss to me for a month or two. Sure, I'd probably bitch about it too after a while. But trade in these damn kids and needy husband for a work at home in my PJ's for a sexy Henri/Henrietta minus the knitting? Yes please. Taking off to Vegas just because? So cool. Don't we always want what we don't have? Ibejealous :)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

well, the last things ARE bliss! but the last few months have been sorely lacking in that dept. all migraines and cat cancer and stalkers. lame.

meredith said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i know this post was for you, but you just gave me something to grab onto in the waves of a very bad day.

love you.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love the idea of baby steps to bliss. So important to remember that baby steps ARE steps. I tend to forget.

Poppy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Definitely, the stalker thing is really scary. And I'm really sorry about your cat. Both things can't be helping the headaches. I hope you are finding something that helps with them. I've been living with migraines so long, I feel like I'm always complaining about them so I don't talk about it much, but I can definitely empathize. I hope you find a solution becasue migraines suck and unless someone has had one they just don't get it.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Mer- that's what this blogging thing is all about! love to you!

Sun- yup. indeed. baby steps are important.

Poppy- thanks, love. this week has been good though. :) *hugs*

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I hope you find what you are looking for but not in Vegas.

madge said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

New follower! I love this post! I feel bad about bitching too much on my blog, too, but I try to have "happy" posts, as well.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Israel- yes, I'm just going to Vegas to see family, not to party.

madge- welcome! and thank you! it's all about balance I think,

Melissa S said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love this post... parts resonate deeply.
November was filled with overwhelming sadness. I'm hoping for a better December.
Much love and kindness to you!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks. maybe bc November was such a suckmonkey, December will be amazing!

love

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am not your dream girl. Bummer. I am bummed.

But it's OK. I'll be fine. So will you. We'll find our bliss. I'm certain of it.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

maybe not, but there's an awfully big bed here... ;)

muah

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

ah, portland rainy-weather blues... i got them all the time, and now i miss the rain!
oh i got my pendent, and i sent you a note in the mail today!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm actually loving the rain. it was more life-stress that was getting me down.

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