Thursday, November 18, 2010

On Love

Love.

I thought I'd tackled this topic before. But no, I'd just talked about The Sex and how it relates to The Love.

I do believe in Love. Love with a capital L.

I do. Just because my experience with it is limited, doesn't mean I don't think it exists. I've seen it.

On of my best friends, Morgan, is getting married. And while she and her imminent husband (her term) may not have seen it, they had this meant-to-be-ness surrounding them from the start.

I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe in timing and chemistry and compatibility and desire and these two have all that in spades. The spark between them was so strong even in the beginning that we all couldn't help but be fall in love with them as a couple.

Morgan expressed some angst recently that friends and fam didn't seem to be surprised or excited enough when they announced their engagement or over wedding plans (I think). But I told her (and I can only speak for myself here) that I hope my excitement translated (I think it did as I squealed over the phone like an 8 year old girl who just got her Barbie Dream House) because I am so excited!

But I was not surprised. Not surprised at all. In fact, I was comforted to know they were making this happen because if these two did not end up together, the world would implode.

These two renew my faith in Love.

I have loved. But have never been loved. I have been told the words. But known they were empty, despite the desire to mean them. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I know what it looks like and I know what it doesn't look like.  

I don't believe in destiny. I've said that. So therefore I don't want to be someone's other half. 1 and 1 make 2. We're not incomplete people searching to be whole (thanks, Aristotle). We're whole people all on our own. So I want someone who is great and happy all alone. Who doesn't need me to be happy. But wants me anyway.

Love is not a filler of a void. I have to go back to the idea that you have to fill that yourself, love yourself. Otherwise someone else's love will just wash in and out of that cavity.  Because I think Love is complimentary.  I don't think you can truly love and appreciate someone else until you and appreciate yourself first. I don't think love can survive otherwise.

Love is about balance. I can't be someone's idol and I shouldn't worship someone else. Imbalance just seems to me to be a shoddy way to begin. I want to find my equal. Someone who challenges me in a way I can reciprocate. Someone who loves me with the same force I do.

I don't want to be anyone's doctor. I can't fix what is wrong with you. I can be a kickass listener and I'm supportive to a fault. But my job is not to mend your brokenness. You have to do that work yourself.

Love is not an addiction. So many people struggle with addiction to substances, why is addiction to a person so encouraged? If it's not a healthy relationship, then it's not love.

Love is between adults. I'm not looking to parent anyone and I'm not looking for a parent. I didn't get the mother I deserved, but I also don't deserve to replace her with a romantic partner and neither should my partner have to parent me. I have to learn to parent myself, to give myself the love my mother didn't.

I think that bears repeating. Whatever love you didn't get in childhood is not the responsibility of a romantic partner.

I feel like this post is getting preachy. Or pedantic. Or just lame.

I feel like I'm not making my point well.

Maybe my ideas about love are naive. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss. But each of those situations above? I've been in. And that's not love.

Love is not a safety net, not something to fix our bruised and broken lives, not something to obsess over and cling to with desperation and fear. I don't think so anyway.

So I'll wait, thanks, for that real thing. For the love that blows me away.

20 comments mean you love me:

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I thought I knew what love was before but when I met my bf I understood what it was all supposed to be about. it was unexpected and the best thing that's happened to me!

Megan (Best of Fates) said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think you have a perfect understanding of love.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Bird- I think that's the best way.

Megan- why thank you!

E said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think your grasp of Love is right on. I don't want my other half. I am whole already. The Love I am waiting for is whole already too, but wants to share in this crazy thing called life with me. We shouldn't have to parent each other, but we may parent a child(ren) together. Just because my growing up years lacked something in the Love department doesn't mean I will "make up" for it in my adult relationships.

Alliegresham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You blow me away with your writing. Loves!

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The person that you will share your life with should compliment you, not complete you, and vice verca. At least this is what I believe in.

It is very true that unless you yourself feel grounded and whole then no relationship will make up for it. Been there...almost lost the person in my life because on an unconscious level I wanted him to fill the whole but because he is not me..that didn't work. All that resulted in, was resentment on both sides and an unhappy relationship. I was lucky enough that I realized that I needed to deal with myself...which has helped me enormously and as an added bonus, we managed to turn our relationship around to a much happier and fun one.

Jeez...why can't I just leave short comments...

k.c. said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

amazing. seriously!

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I've only been in Love once. So now I have proof that it's real, it exists. But it's also incredibly hard to find. I suppose that scarcity makes us appreciate it so much more.

Sarah P said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" by Shel Silverstein.

Moooooog35 said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sorry. I can give a shot at the love thing, but all I can promise you is 3 hour long marathon sex that may or may not include hair pulling and several much needed water breaks.

Let me know. Thanks.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

E- marry me?

Allie- you're so freaking sweet. thank you!

Nush- I love your comments! they make my day. *muah*

k.c.- seriously thanks!

Jess- hah! I feel the same way. I've loved so I know it must be possible.

Sarah P- hah! infuckingdeed.

Moooooog- you've got a deal. Saturday?

Lynnette said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think you've got a good understanding of love, better than most. Don't forget that love is a lot of hard work (especially the self-love) but then it's also the easiest thing in the world.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, darlin! I think I've got the self love down (teehee).

iusedtodrinkperfume said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I totally agree with you on all of the above.

But for some reason, I have the desire to belt out Foreigner's "I wanna know what love is."

I mean who HASN'T wanted to jump on a bar and belt that out in front of strangers?

Oh, just me? Okay then. See you there.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

darlin, I will SO sing that with you!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

well I thought I alluded to the magic in chemistry. but I don't think that magic lasts. also: I know all my friends love me. I meant romantically. thanks. :)

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I don't know that I've truly known love. I've thought I did on several occasions, but while I whole-heartedly agree with all of what you said, I have a hard time being there in practice. You know when you first meet someone and you get the oogly googlies and the "magic" because DAMN, it's nice to have an extra reason to smile and laugh at yourself while you're doing stupid menial tasks like driving to work or picking up your dog's poop. I think my brain is like, Hyper-sensitive to that, so then I'm like a freakin nicotine addict and it goes away and I perseverate and can't take it, then I get a quick fix and am fine, and then craving strikes & I *know* I get neurotic as fuck, I know I don't like this about myself. I know that on my own, I'm happy and healthy and have an amazing social circle and can keep myself busy forever. And then I spend 4 out of seven days with a guy and put my career second and fuck myself over. So I need to somehow stop my addictive personality and be able to handle a relationship, and when I do that, then I will be capable of love, hopefully... or perhaps I will be wearing diapers.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I do know what you mean, but I haven't done the fall fast infatuation thing in a long time. I have fallen in love but never with someone who loved me back. yet. yet. *muah*

Mor to the gan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am totally touched. I can't wait to live in the same city as you again. <3

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

love you hard! and meee tooo.

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