Mr. Annoying Parker

This morning, as I rushed to the Starbucks to caffeinate myself and grab my Greek yogurt with granola (apologies to my friend Morgan, but I do sometimes go to Starbucks), I was faced with one of the more annoying parking lot incidents: the dude with his door open. He was just sitting there, one leg in, one leg out, primping in the mirror (no, he wasn't on fire; he was actually an older-ish white guy in khakis. khakis! good god, is there a more unflattering article of clothing?), and not noticing that I was creeping into the only space next to him in an attempt to get close enough to be noticed before I ripped his black and shiny car door off. I clearly did not want to do the latter, but hell, dude, notice me! Just as I was about to honk, as I am loathe to do, he finally did notice me and jumped out of his car and closed the door.

Do you think the story ends there? Do you think I simply parked my car, retrieved my morning sustenance and went merrily on my way? Oh no, Internet, you are wrong. Mr. Annoying took that as his window. And you know, that was probably smart on his part, because the 60 something white guy in khakis is really just not my type. If you went to school with my dad, I have to draw a line. A girl has got to have standards. Not only does he walk with me into said Starbucks and hold the door for me, but as he flirts amid apologizing for his parking rudeness (which, let's be fair, I did appreciate), but he then goes on to explain how he really hates it when people do that, but how he was once so angry, he took a guy's door off. His door wouldn't do that, mind you, it's too heavy, but that dude was asking for it.

Now, do I really have to explain any more at this point? I mean, any girl would be falling all over herself for this dude, right? Let's go down the list of irresistibly attractive qualities shall we? One, old enough to be my dad. Two, rude parker. Three, clueless as a box of hair. Four, gets so upset whilst parking that he rams into people's car doors, tearing them off and leaving them lying on the asphalt like roadkill turtles!! My god, who DOES that?

Needless to say, I didn't ask he the other party pressed charges or what his insurance carrier did. I smiled in a please don't stuff me in your trunk way, collected my yogurt and green tea and booked it for my car. Hell, I was late for work by this point anyway.

But, that interaction got me thinking that shit like that happens to me every damn day. Why the hell am I not writing about it? I used to be a pretty good writer. I even used to blog regularly. So, here you go. My attempt to write again hast begun. Read at your own peril.

And here's a video of a batshit lady who treats her cat like a human: