And I've just arrived home at this moment from karaoke with friends (heart you guys!) still drunk. And when I say drunk, I mean DRUNK! And I should explain, I don't really get drunk, not since my very early twenties anyway. But I guess I figured that if I ever deserved to be drunk and forget and drown my sorrows, as it were, tonight was the night. (For the record, why I ever thought I deserved to feel this crappy, I'll never know. Being drunk sucks.) I drink occasionally, but I never drink enough to get drunk. I know my limits and tonight I very much in full awareness crossed them. But, despite the rockage of the karaoke (well, who knows. I could barely even hear myself), I really am bedraggled. And some guy yelled at me for taking a chair and made me cry, which god knows would not normally happen. Normally I'd tell that dickwad off. But, as shitty as I feel, he made me cry. Like sobbing. Into my friend's shoulder. That's not normal.
And thank god for my friends who let me lug my sorry self around them all day and watch football and generally bitch about life. I know that's what friends are for, but they really proved their worth today. They didn't judge me for one second or try to convince me it's not worth it. Because, and this is why I love them, they get that this phase I'm in, this bitchy, weepy, catty, irrational phase, this is important in the heeling process.
Nonetheless, I'm not quite ready to heal. Today, today I'm no longer angry. My anger has caught a ferry to weepy land. I mostly just feel sad, sad for the loss of something I thought promising. And sad for my own rejection. And yeah, I so totally have rejection issues from being adopted. And yeah, my crazy abusive mom used to leverage that to get me to be perfect. But, I haven't felt this rejected in a long time, not since...well, you don't really want to hear that story. But, suffice to say, it involves a much more serious incident that this one and that leaves me wondering what the hell is up.
I think maybe it's that I feel so flippantly discarded. Like one day, with no warning, it's all over. And I have no say in that decision. It's incredibly disempowering but it also, well it just sucks. And of course no one want to hear that they're not the kind of person you can have feelings for. And I really think that's what I've been thinking about. I think I would've preferred to have not heard that, even if it was the truth. I don't want to know that someone I like just doesn't have feelings for me. It makes me feel...less than I know I am. But knowing isn't the same as feeling.
And you know what else? I miss him! I do. I miss the friendship. I miss being able to call or text whenever I want and share something. I miss the laughter. And you know what? I liked him. I did. He made me laugh. And we had fun. And to have that discontinued without my consent, well, how is that fair? It's NOT fair. I know. I know. Life isn't fair. But, I don't have to accept that right now.
And I learned some things from a friend today which were at first reassuring. I guess. But, now I don't know what to feel about it. I don't know how I want him to feel. Do I want him to feel badly? YES! That would make me feel better. But, no, no I don't want that. Not really.
I hate that he's made me this weepy idiot woman who cries in public. What IS that? I don't do that. I'm a tough cookie. Men come and go and I have always managed to take care of myself. Since I was like 15, it's always been just me. Me against the world. I've never relied on anyone else. It's all me and I appreciate me. I barely remember the last time I was this affected by someone. It was a looooong time ago and I just don't get it. We didn't date that long. We weren't even a couple. Who knows how many snatches graced his door. But for some reason, I'm having a hell of a time dealing with this. And I really didn't see this coming. Not the dumping, I mean, yeah, that was a little unexpected. But I mean my reaction to it. I've become a woman I don't recognize.
I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it's good. Who the hell knows at this point?
I do know that I can't live like this. I have a life to live and things to do and a paycheck to earn and this pathetic person I'm being is just not good enough for it.
Shoot. Me. Now.