Now, don't leave yet. I know you're going, is she really talking about the weather? Well, yes, yes I am. But stick with me, I'll talk about myself too. Do you really think I'd disappoint you like that?
The forecast promised me today that it will cool off next week. I for one fell for it and am staking all of my hopes on that damn forecast. If it doesn't cool off, I may sue. Who will I sue, you ask? Who cares? We live in a litigious society, I'm sure my lawyer will figure out someone to litigate. I say that as if I'm one of those exotic people on TV who retains a lawyer. Isn't that always impressive? Any tiny offense and they announce, "you'll be hearing from my lawyer!" I have to admit, that's so uber cool. I'm going to go around threatening a fictitious lawyer from now on. Think of all the people I'll scare. Think of all the free swag I could get! Hell, even if I did have a lawyer on tap like the kind of beer you only drink in pints, I would never have the guts to actually sue someone. Even if someone murdered all my friends and family a la the Massacre at Two Pines, I would probably chicken out and end up paying him for his time and trouble of going through arbitration and possibly trial (Notice how I'm throwing around the legal jargon? Are you impressed? Intimidated? Turned on?), never mind that it would probably be a murder trial. Maybe I'll just hire a kick-ass blond to go on a revenge killing spree instead. That would be hot.
I might be going through some kind of Tarantino withdrawal. Anyone want to see Inglorious Basterds with me? No? Losers.
Or it might be that this insane heat is making me crazy! You know how people talk about cabin fever? I think the same thing happens in extreme heat. It's not like anyone can handle being outside in this for too long! So we all camp out inside, parked in front of the a.c. wearing refrigerated underwear and eating ice. Thaaaat's right. Hold that image in your head for a minute. Are you done? Awesome. But that's not healthy! Humans are supposed to be outside, soaking in life and other people and the crisp autumn air, while tromping through piles of leaves and stopping briefly to re-wrap your scarf or pull on your new knit gloves. *sigh* When will fall get here?
The forecast promised me today that it will cool off next week. I for one fell for it and am staking all of my hopes on that damn forecast. If it doesn't cool off, I may sue. Who will I sue, you ask? Who cares? We live in a litigious society, I'm sure my lawyer will figure out someone to litigate. I say that as if I'm one of those exotic people on TV who retains a lawyer. Isn't that always impressive? Any tiny offense and they announce, "you'll be hearing from my lawyer!" I have to admit, that's so uber cool. I'm going to go around threatening a fictitious lawyer from now on. Think of all the people I'll scare. Think of all the free swag I could get! Hell, even if I did have a lawyer on tap like the kind of beer you only drink in pints, I would never have the guts to actually sue someone. Even if someone murdered all my friends and family a la the Massacre at Two Pines, I would probably chicken out and end up paying him for his time and trouble of going through arbitration and possibly trial (Notice how I'm throwing around the legal jargon? Are you impressed? Intimidated? Turned on?), never mind that it would probably be a murder trial. Maybe I'll just hire a kick-ass blond to go on a revenge killing spree instead. That would be hot.
I might be going through some kind of Tarantino withdrawal. Anyone want to see Inglorious Basterds with me? No? Losers.
Or it might be that this insane heat is making me crazy! You know how people talk about cabin fever? I think the same thing happens in extreme heat. It's not like anyone can handle being outside in this for too long! So we all camp out inside, parked in front of the a.c. wearing refrigerated underwear and eating ice. Thaaaat's right. Hold that image in your head for a minute. Are you done? Awesome. But that's not healthy! Humans are supposed to be outside, soaking in life and other people and the crisp autumn air, while tromping through piles of leaves and stopping briefly to re-wrap your scarf or pull on your new knit gloves. *sigh* When will fall get here?
Maybe I should move. I mean, this isn't really an option right now. First, I just moved like 6 or so months ago. Wait, really? 6 months? Has it been that long? Excuse me while I count on my fingers. May, June, July...3, 4 nope. Nope. It's only been like 5 months. Dude, I used to be so good at the math. Nonetheless, I just moved. And moving sucks. I don't exactly want to go through it again right away. And have I mentioned that I love my little house? I love my little house. It's so cute and there is so much left that I want to do with it. There is so much nesting left to be done. And moving away from my current city would take some serious life rearranging which really isn't realistic right now, with my current financial situation and this is current shithole otherwise known as the economy.
On the other hand, I don't know how many more summers like this I can handle. I think I'm nearing my limit. So in the meantime, a girl can dream can't she? Join me in this dream, will you? C'mon in. The water is great!
How about Seattle? (Let's just start at the top and work our way down. I'd say Canada, but dude, that would be filling so many of my ex-pat fantasies which I'm just not sure if I'm ready to confront and if I'm opening up this fantasy, I'd rather move my ass to Europe. I've lived in Paris, so maybe the South of France this time...maybe Cassis or Marseilles. mmmm the Mediterranean. Wait, where was I?) Back to Seattle. I haven't been there in years, but it's so lovely and green and wet and the city is so cool. And what is the temp in Seattle right now? Why it's 63 degrees right now, Internet. Did you hear that? Didja?? 63! Sixty three. That is like 40 degrees less than the pool of lava where I live is right now. And it's already cooled off like 10 degrees from it's hottest. Damn, that's so not fair.
Let's move down a few states, shall we? In San Fran today, it was only 70 degrees and it's only 55 right now. Now, if you ask me, which let's face it, you are, that is some lovely fucking weather. And despite how unbelievably expensive it is in the city, I can't help but love it. Every time I am in Frisco, I wonder why I don't live there yet. That city just so completely suits me. Sing with me now...I left my hearrrrt...Okay, okay, I'll stop singing. But you know you liked it.
I'm getting bored with this game and I know you are too, so let's quickly just go down the coast and see what I'm missing out on. Santa Cruz: 55. Monterey: 55. Cambria: 56. Santa Barbara: 70 (getting hotter, but 70 is still heaaaven). We all know it's miserable in Los Angeles and South Bay and the OC right now, so let's skip those and go to...Oceanside: 73. San Diego: 70.
And what was the point of this exercise you ask? The point was to realize that everywhere else north of south of where I live is exponentially better on like 50 levels. And every summer I live here, the more I realize that. Maybe in a few years I'll have the guts to try to write for a living and that will free up my habitat options. Maybe. Or maybe a random rich millionaire will die and leave me his (or her) entire fortune.
Yeah, and Ryan Seacrest likes girls.
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