Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sexy Saturdays: If Those Walls Could Shut Up


So I kind of suck. And not in a good way. Out of the many, many Sexy Saturday posts I have brought you, I haven't been so great at getting the mens to post here. Which sucks because I am all about getting all sorts of perspectives, you know? But in my defense (or not), it's not because the guys are too embarrassed to post (because they are way more game than most girlies I ask). It's because I don't know very many male bloggers. SO....I suck. 

When I thought of getting another guy over here, Jerrod of The Yellow Factor immediately jumped into my head. Not literally. I haven't actually met him and that would be weird, not to mention impressive. But I thought he'd be perfect. He's a great writer, for onesies, and he's got this intriguing combination of sweet boy next door meets irreverant humor. And I dig it. I couldn't wait to see what he'd do with the subject. Plus? He's a freaking rock star. Not only is Jerrod blogtastic, he is the co-creator of that blogger mecca Studio30 Plus. I don't know how he does it all.

Before you love his post (which you will), go find him on Twitter, Facebook, and subscribe to his blog.


The wonderful, crazy, amazing Andy asked if I would do a post for her.  Of course I would never say no to Miss Awesome Sauce. 

Here’s how finding out the topic went down:

Me:  So, the 12th. And it has to be sexy.  Wow.  I'm on it.

Andy:  It doesn't have to be "sexy", just about sex.

(Train crashing into...something...halt.  A train is halting.)

When I tried to think of a post-worthy story on the subject, that I’d be okay with sharing, only one came to mind. The catch is...I’m not the one having sex.

You’re probably thinking, “That’s bad. He’s asked to do a post about sex and he’s going to write about others having it?” But I have good reasons:

1. I'm a nice guy that doesn't really kiss and tell. See, I just won a Studio30 Plus Boomerang Award for Blog You Want to Take Home to Mom. And just like Johnny Nogerelli, I have a rep to protect.
2. I learned things that night that everyone should know. Consider it your friendly, sexual Public Service Announcement.

I went to a New Years Eve party a few years ago at a friend’s house. There were 10 people - 4 couples, 2 singles – and I was one single. The other single... no. One of the couples, let's name them Joe and Ashley, were on their first date.  First date. At a New Years Eve party.

And Ashley...well, Ashley liked the sexy time. No judgment here, you do what you gotta do right? (She actually wanted to take me home to mom a few times, but I knew that was never going to happen. I had my reasons.)

People were drinking so of course some would have to stay the night, and I was one of them.  I was supposed to get one of the spare rooms, while Joe and Ashley were meant to go home. Until they got trashed. That put this single on the couch. Fantastic.

When the party started coming to a close, I was sitting alone in the living room. Everyone else was on the back porch. I don’t know why I was sitting alone in the living room, but I remember feeling very smart and very pleased with myself. But then Ashley came in from the back porch. She walked right up to me, sat down on my lap and kissed me directly on the mouth.  Then, just as abruptly, she got up and walked back outside. I didn’t know what to think. 

About 15 minutes later, everyone that could leave went home.  Joe and Ashley took the room promised to me, and I got the couch with the dog hair.

At first I heard giggling. Apparently Ashley liked to giggle...a lot. I also discovered that she liked to talk a lot. Very demanding that Ashley.  I think the word “mount” was used.
Then I had to go to the bathroom which was, wouldn’t you know it, right next to the champagne room. Blast.

Though the acoustics were even better in there, it was hard to tell whether they were having sex or participating in the Kentucky Derby. I didn't know whether to leave or place a bet. I thought maybe if they heard a toilet flush, they would realize that they weren't in his F150 or the nearest La Quinta.  But no such luck. In fact, the flush had a reverse affect. They assumed that it was the loudest flush known to man and, unfortunately, used it as an excuse to get even louder. 

Back in the living room, I turned on the TV to help drown out the funk. The movie Step Up was on and I thought, “Great. I’m a single guy at a New Years Eve party that got kissed by a girl who is now begging to be choked in the next room. And now I’m watching Step Up because I don’t know how to change the channel on this ancient receiver. All I need now is for the wall to start banging.”

Bang.  Bang.  Bang.   Bangbangbangbang. Bang.  Bang.


So, let’s recap what we’ve learned: 

1. If you’re going to have sex at a friend’s house with 6 other people staying under one roof, try having secret sex.  Playing the “quiet game” isn’t just for children, you know?

2. No one but the people inside of the room need to know how big it is. He knows you can see the size. I don't need to know the size too.  And unless there is a saddle in there, (and there's not because I was in that room earlier putting my bag next to the bed because I WAS SUPPOSE TO SLEEP  THERE... and I didn't see a saddle), there should be no mention of mounting anything.

3. Don't use decorative hand towels to clean up with.  Also, don't offer to take said towels home to wash and return.  Keep them.  That stuff never comes out.

12 comments mean you love me:

When Pigs Fly said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hearing other people having sex is the worst. I would not have been pleased if I let that couple spend the night at my place. I hope there was a sheet burning after the fact.

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Can you say, "Awkward?"

Goldilox said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ok, I am cracking up. For many reasons. But for one? I kinda want to party with Ashley (only because she would make me seem totally normal) and 2- any post that mentions Jhonny Nogerelli is a WIN in my mind. Props!

christy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Bahaha excellent.

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Awkward is right. Know what else is awkward? When you get drunk and stay over in your friend's very small apartment and your all the trashed people have to sleep in the living room and the other single person there is not really single, it is just that his fiance is not there. But her sister is. And yet that does not stop him from trying to have sex with you. In the living room. In front of his future in-laws. Now that's pretty awkward.

Alyson said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ah, the life of a single. :)


Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates


I totally want to take shower. A very hot, very alone shower.

And buy some earmuffs.

mylittlebecky said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

what stuff never comes out, jerrod? what stuff?

Strugglecity said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sounds like my neighbours.
They had wild sex the other evening, it started in the living room, then they knocked over something, then I heard them tumble into her room and then the thud thud thud of the bed. And lots of OHHHS.
(Ok, so I muted the TV, what of it)

Andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks for reading, everyone!

Mrs. Beer said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

VERY FUNNY! I'm following your blog and Jerrod's blog and I'm gonna find Joe and Ashley and follow their blogs too.

Thanks for the laugh!

Andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

love it! happy blog stalking!

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