On Relationship Energy

This post might be fraught with landmines of inadvertant offense. I'd like to state that by describing myself, I in no way mean to demean others who are different.

Except if you're not like me, you suck. Just kidding. I love you.

My relationship style can sometimes lean to the masculine. By that I mean a traditionally societally masculine way of conducting myself in relationships. Blame it on how close I am with my dad or blame it on some inner energy neither I nor society has any control over.

Whatever the reason, it's how I am.

Like a lot of stereotypical guys, I tend to like my space and alone time and while I certainly desire plenty of things that many, many women do (love, marriage, babies), I waver between jumping into a commitment I don't really want and running away for fear of getting hurt. And I have found myself acting out of character in certain situations, but I think this is the norm for me on the whole.

But that's not my biggest problem à la moment. My biggest problem is that I think my masculine-esque energy might be attracting its opposite: needy little bitches.

I kid (not really).

The women I've been involved with are clingy and controlling and high maintenance (of course many women are not as such) even though most of the women I've desired are very androgynous and low key (they just have no interest in moi.) And the men? With several exceptions, many of the boyos in my life have been worse than the women. Needy little bitches.

Why the hell are you asking my permission to do something? Why should I give a fuck that you want to hang out with your friends or watch 12 hours of whatever sport is in season? I don't give a fuck and I'm not your mama; you shouldn't need or want my permission. Maybe just a head's up that you won't be free for a certain period of time would be sufficient. I'll go take advantage of all the delicious alone time. Lots of writing to be done, books to be read, photos to be snapped, tea to be drunk.

Generally, my only rule is if you say you're going to do something, do it. If you can't do it, just let me know ahead of time. I don't like flakes.

But these are the guys I attract.

I've told you about several of these dudes, most recently about Guy Who Tries Too Hard. It's like, take a breath, dude, and just be yourself. It makes me exhausted just thinking about him. 

Did I mention I finally gave my number to Hot Bartender? I realize he's a bartender. I had no illusions of starting anything of substance with this guy.  But he was HOT. I thought we could hook up a few times. Fun had by all. But then he gave a long ass speech about how it's complicated with him and he has a kid and he's not looking to be tied down, blah blah blah. I couldn't help thinking that in his assertions of his need for freedom, he was showing that he was actually kind of needy and high maintenance. We hadn't even had sex and he was already scared that I would trap him in a marriage. Yikes! Who needs it?

Like I said, there have been exceptions. I know several of my exes read this blog and I just know they're on the edges of their seats waiting for me to un-emasculate them. Well I'm not telling who. HAH! Figure it out for yourselves.

But those exceptions, while they obviously didn't work out for whatever reason, I enjoyed the balance of energy, the energy which felt most like my own. I don't necessarily do well with the extremes. I appreciate someone who's more like me in this specific way.

I really said I wouldn't blog about this next nugget of information, because I always do this and the universe thinks I'm mocking her and it never works out. But I may or may not have met someone new. We may or may not have spent the evening talking and laughing and I may or may not have felt that he was a lot like me in energy and sense of humor. I'm not counting on this. I could be wrong. Lard knows my radar sucks. He may or may not call. 

But I'm hopeful. Hopeful that he's not a needy little bitch. Okay, I'm hopeful about other things too. You got me.