Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On Relationship Energy

This post might be fraught with landmines of inadvertant offense. I'd like to state that by describing myself, I in no way mean to demean others who are different.

Except if you're not like me, you suck. Just kidding. I love you.

My relationship style can sometimes lean to the masculine. By that I mean a traditionally societally masculine way of conducting myself in relationships. Blame it on how close I am with my dad or blame it on some inner energy neither I nor society has any control over.

Whatever the reason, it's how I am.

Like a lot of stereotypical guys, I tend to like my space and alone time and while I certainly desire plenty of things that many, many women do (love, marriage, babies), I waver between jumping into a commitment I don't really want and running away for fear of getting hurt. And I have found myself acting out of character in certain situations, but I think this is the norm for me on the whole.

But that's not my biggest problem à la moment. My biggest problem is that I think my masculine-esque energy might be attracting its opposite: needy little bitches.

I kid (not really).

The women I've been involved with are clingy and controlling and high maintenance (of course many women are not as such) even though most of the women I've desired are very androgynous and low key (they just have no interest in moi.) And the men? With several exceptions, many of the boyos in my life have been worse than the women. Needy little bitches.

Why the hell are you asking my permission to do something? Why should I give a fuck that you want to hang out with your friends or watch 12 hours of whatever sport is in season? I don't give a fuck and I'm not your mama; you shouldn't need or want my permission. Maybe just a head's up that you won't be free for a certain period of time would be sufficient. I'll go take advantage of all the delicious alone time. Lots of writing to be done, books to be read, photos to be snapped, tea to be drunk.

Generally, my only rule is if you say you're going to do something, do it. If you can't do it, just let me know ahead of time. I don't like flakes.

But these are the guys I attract.

I've told you about several of these dudes, most recently about Guy Who Tries Too Hard. It's like, take a breath, dude, and just be yourself. It makes me exhausted just thinking about him. 

Did I mention I finally gave my number to Hot Bartender? I realize he's a bartender. I had no illusions of starting anything of substance with this guy.  But he was HOT. I thought we could hook up a few times. Fun had by all. But then he gave a long ass speech about how it's complicated with him and he has a kid and he's not looking to be tied down, blah blah blah. I couldn't help thinking that in his assertions of his need for freedom, he was showing that he was actually kind of needy and high maintenance. We hadn't even had sex and he was already scared that I would trap him in a marriage. Yikes! Who needs it?

Like I said, there have been exceptions. I know several of my exes read this blog and I just know they're on the edges of their seats waiting for me to un-emasculate them. Well I'm not telling who. HAH! Figure it out for yourselves.

But those exceptions, while they obviously didn't work out for whatever reason, I enjoyed the balance of energy, the energy which felt most like my own. I don't necessarily do well with the extremes. I appreciate someone who's more like me in this specific way.

I really said I wouldn't blog about this next nugget of information, because I always do this and the universe thinks I'm mocking her and it never works out. But I may or may not have met someone new. We may or may not have spent the evening talking and laughing and I may or may not have felt that he was a lot like me in energy and sense of humor. I'm not counting on this. I could be wrong. Lard knows my radar sucks. He may or may not call. 

But I'm hopeful. Hopeful that he's not a needy little bitch. Okay, I'm hopeful about other things too. You got me.

15 comments mean you love me:

Lifebeginsat30ty said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Similiar energy is a good thing. Although I tend to think people I've labeled needy in the past were those I didn't really care about so much, so any neediness drove me nuts. If I want to be with someone their checking up with me and all that feels like their being considerate of my feelings. Go figure.

Ms. Salti said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I agree 100%. It's good to have your interests the two of you share, as well as things you enjoy on your own. Being with your significant other too much can't lead anywhere positive.

And what's up with guys these days being the emotionally needy ones? I thought that was my job!

Lance said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I used to be Guy Who Tries Too Hard. The thing about him, is when you find yourself ready to be in a great, adult, awesome relationship, he's the one you might want to look up.

I like how you are analyzing or breaking down your patterns. It's fun to read but encouraging to see what happens next.

I think I just became Commenter Who Tries Too Hard.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Lifebeginsat30ty I think you're on to something. it really depends how you feel about the person.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Ms. Salti I know right? yeash!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Lance Lance, I love that you're the commenter who tries too hard. I think the distinction is when someone is afraid to be themselves and thus tries too hard. I want someone who is great with who they are.

Hutch said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Needy guys send me running, the extremely independent not-needy turn me in to that girl. I still haven't found a happy medium.

One of my all time fave quotes comes from Shawshank and I'm sure you've heard it..."Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Glad to see you've still got it! :)

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I didn't know that was a masculine/feminine idea. I'm with Hutch. I need my alone time and all that, but if there's too much alone time, I become hypersensitive, like Oh shit, I done fucked some shit up. I think my current boy does the same thing. It makes it easy for me to not get frustrated by that.

Also, I'm with you, I don't care what you're doing (you know, other than the fact that I care about you and want to share my day with you and hear about yours), but if we make plans and you fuck it up, then whatever, man. My free time is limited. I offered it to you, and you gave it no time of day. So, no. I don't want to waste any more time on you.

Andrea said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Well I'm cautiously optimistic for you!! I'm in a similar boat right now, not ready quite yet to pinch myself just make sure I'm not dreaming. This one's a keeper I think... but don't know. ARG!

Mine has called so I will go blob about him and that way the universe will be distracted and leave your stuff alone!

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It is soo easy to end up in a stupid stereotypical role in a relationship if you are not careful. Been there, done that and still shudder.

It is hard to find someone that you are both comfortable with and that can leave that alone space...alone. If that makes any sense.

Fingers and toes crossed for you. :)
xo

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I always jinx my new trysts by writing about them. But I like to write about what makes me happy. So, there you go.

I've been wondering a lot lately about why I keep attracting similar characters: flakes and bitches, mostly. Back when I sort of dated dudes, they all seemed to be needy bitches. These are my options, apparently. Cry-baby boys and mean girls. And therefore, I choose cats.

The Woven Moments said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

There's nothing wrong with hopeful! :)

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have the perfect answer. All you have to do if find a man that works an opposite shift from you. That way you get plenty of time for you and when you are together you make that time count. I have lived 8 years this way. Since I value my alone time, and have many different interests that he is not into, we each have a chance to do our own thing without the other. And by this I mean that I can sit at the park and make fun of fashion victim and he can stay home and scream at the tv while playing Black Ops. Good times.

Poppy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This made me laugh because when I first met my husband I thought he fell into the needy little bitch category. It turns out the last woman he dated was high maintenance and he thought I wanted a minute by minute account of his day. Once we established I didn't give a shit what he did between 2:10-2:30, things went a heck of a lot smoother.

So give those needy little bitches a chance - they're pretty malleable.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ugh, the needy. They are so exhausting.

And I say that because sometimes I'm the needy one and I exhaust myself.

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