Monday, April 11, 2011

Showdown

It began, as it almost always does, innocently enough.

I’d moved to a house with a space to garden and a bed of bedraggled rose bushes which I was exuberant to nurture to their potential splendor.

I purchased a long, green hose with attachable nozzle, which came with a plethora of speeds and pressures, for ease of watering my grass and plants and rose bushes, nothing more.

Little did I know this innocuous apparatus would serve as a weapon that I would use to defend my space and my life in a battle with a most gruesome end.

The first time I saw her, I nearly fell over in fright, giving a small scream and dropping my garden shears.

I’d know her anywhere. I’d seen her face before. I’d seen her in my nightmares.

She stared at me malevolently and her fat, black body sat completely still as if in defiance of her trespass.

But this was my home and her kind was not welcome here. I grabbed the hose, switched the nozzle to “jet” and sprayed her right in her evil little face. She immediately scuttled away and hid.

It had done its job. For the time being.

She appeared again several more times over the next couple of weeks, always creeping up on me while I was gardening all alone, unsuspecting. She’d get too close for comfort and I’d  hit her with a blast of water until she lost her creepy little grip and fell down in the dirt. I was never quite sure if I’d killed her or not. But I suppose not, since she kept coming back. Like a damn zombie.

Then came the fateful day. I got home from work and changed into jeans and walked out into my garden. I peeked into a hanging plant, looking for my newest friend, a baby Praying Mantis (I think he was a baby), a tiny bright green little guy that would greet me every day and make me smile. I named him Ernie.

But what did I find? A tiny green Praying Mantis corpse.

I knew instantly it was her. She had murdered Ernie. In cold blood.

That bitch. She was going to pay.

I got a broom and with the long, wooden handle, bashed at the bushes until she came out, all pissy, fangs dripping with venom, her red belly taunting me.

I was scared, I admit. But this time it was personal.

I sprayed her dead on with the fullest blast of water my spigot would allow, but that bitch held on with all eight legs and the will power of a demon.

I gave up on the hose. It was simply not powerful enough for her. I grabbed the broom handle and took aim. The timing had to be perfect and I couldn’t miss. I had just one shot.

I took it. I smashed the wood handle into that Black Widow spider. She wasn’t going to die easily, but I wasn’t going to let her crawl up the handle and seek her revenge upon me. I squished and squished and then I sprayed again, making sure she was truly and completely dead.

At last, it was finished. I was soaking wet and exhausted.

But I’d won.

I wiped my brow, tossed the hose onto the grass, placed the broom back in the house, and released a long sigh of relief.


This was a post for the RemembeRED prompt: This week, we're giving you a photo to take you back in time. In 700 or fewer words, show us where your memory takes you.
Remember that this image is merely inspiration. Your piece needn't have a hose in your piece, but we need to easily see how you were inspired by it.

35 comments mean you love me:

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Shudder!!! Really, really do not like spiders! That description was very vivid and gave me goosebumbs.

Sarah P said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ick. I am genuinely creeped out now. I'll probably skip gardening now.

meleah rebeccah said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh you did such a great job with this piece. I am terrified of spiders. You gave me the heebie jeebies just reading about that Black Widow!

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are an amazing writer.

I fucking HATE spiders.

[I also hate praying mantises, and all other bugs. But eewww, spiders.]

LOVE YOU!

Colleen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I HATE black widows. I would have killed her the first time I saw her. Hell no would I be outside knowing that thing was there.

When I was in Australia I came across a Red Back spider, the Black Widow's deadly cousin. I gave it the widest berth I could. I so did not want to die in a foreign country because of an insect.

*shudder*

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Nush hee! I hate them too. glad you liked!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Sarah P aaaand you're welcome. and I'm sorry.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@meleah rebeccah hee! thank you! they scare me tooooo.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Suniverse aaahaaaa! but praying mantises are so cute! :) thanks, love! xo

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Colleen dude. I kept trying. bitch would not die! but she died in the end. oh yes. *shudder*

Brandy Rose said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That was AWESOME story telling! I love it!

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wondrous writing. I needed that today, thank you.

Liz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are hard core! I've never seen one in real life, but I'd be scared of them. I didn't realize they killed plants either. Are they typical in your area?

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

R.I.P. Ernie

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Brandy Rose thanks, darlin'!!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Anonymous thank you so much!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Liz dude. they are terrifying! they don't kill plants, but they do kill bugs. I haven't seen one since I moved to Portland, but they're super common in So Cal!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@alonewithcats sad. I cried for Ernie.

Steph @ Thoughts From Cali said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh how I hate spiders.

Jenna said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

aaaaaauuuuugghhhhhhh!!!

well done. well told tale, very descriptive, and I could feel your irritation and building anger, and i was tense with you as you took aim with the broom handle.

scared the crap out of me with the death scene. what if she'd jumped and come running at you.

id have died. right there.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@Jenna believe me. I'd have died too! just died. hee! thanks so much!

Erin said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

YES! YES! YES! DIE BITCH DIE!
Ohh sorry! I hate spiders so I am so happy you killed her, especially after she ate Ernie!

Galit Breen said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

For the spider I have: Ewww!

And for you I have: You are *so* badass! :)

I loved your words like bedraggled, scuttled, and damn zombie.

My favorite part: "But this was my home and her kind was not welcome here." for the simplicity, tight wording and the full embrace of kick-butt-ness! :)

Angie @ The Little Mumma said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That's my kind of spider - sprayed and squished and sprayed again. YAY!

Loved this

"I was scared, I admit. But this time it was personal."

and this

"She stared at me malevolently and her fat, black body sat completely still as if in defiance of her trespass."

Loved it.

Only thing better than a dead spider is an even deader one! Spray, squish REPEAT!

Dr. Cynicism said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Great stuff!

Elena said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Love it. So glad you got ridden of that mean spider. ;)

Rebel Chick said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This was great! I laughed a few times, especially when you accused the spider of killing the praying mantis in cold blood.
This was a great post!

Melanie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ewww! as I laugh hysterically. Love this! I've had a few creepy garden creatures myself but unlike you, I run in the other direction. Love your description of the fight between you and the spider, and the image of her "all pissy, fangs dripping with venom, red belly taunting..."

Nice!

Visiting from TRDC

Kris Mulkey said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ooooh. I hate spiders too. And we have tons of them in the fall. Smashing them is always a last resort for me too.

Loved the storyline about Ernie the praying mantis. Too bad the big black widow got him.

Nice job.

The mad woman behind the blog said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm clearly lame as it took half the post to realize you were writing about a spider. And I was grateful for my ignorance.

At Girl Scout camp we used to have wolf spiders the size of our fists. And yeah, it was my job to shoo them away. So glad I didn't have to kill them.

You, your bad ass self, you are my hero.

Not Just Another Mother Blogger! said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow, black widow spiders aren't usually so aggressive. Your description of your battle was hilarious.

Awesome job!

Mandyland said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow. That was beyond a side of awesome. It was a full COURSE of awesome!

LOVED how you worked this.

I was shuddering and rooting for you. And poor Ernie! Such a sad loss.

Seriously. L-O-V-E-D.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks for all the comments, everyone! I read each one. I appreciate it so much!!! xoxo

TheKirCorner said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

that was harrowing , the only way that could be worse is if it was a snake...EWWWW.
The descriptions were so spot on, I was standing with you..and screaming. ;)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

@TheKirCorner if that was a snake, I would have had a heart attack!!!

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