Sexy Saturdays: Sexual Connoisseur

Iiiiiiit's Sexy Saturday! Wha? Again? Awyeah! I met today's guest poster, Lil Miss Butterbean of The Bee's Knees, not too long ago on the Twitter and like her instantly. She's one of those insanely sweet girls that you'd love to hate but you can't but because you love her so much. 

Then she asked me to guest post for her during her birthday week and I was like, "Awwww! Hells yes! And maybe you want to write about The Sex for meeee! We can do tradesies." And she was like, "Absolutely! I have no problem writing about sex. It's all I do."Or something like that. I might be misquoting a teensy bit. And the rest was, as they say (not knowing who they are), was history. 

I think you're really gonna love Butterbean. She's sticky sweet and funny as hell. She really is the bee's knees! After you read her fantabulous post, go follow her on Twitter and subscribe to her blog. You'll be glad you did.

Enjoy!

i've spent the last week and a half trying to figure out what i was going to write about. i mean, sex, obviously, but what part of the sex? should i write about marriage sex? pre-baby or post-baby sex? high school or college sex? wild, drunken sex or tame, sober sex?

see, i like to think of myself as a bit of a sexual connoisseur. and by that, i don't mean a slut. i mean i love sex. seriously. like looooove the sex. and i've had a lot of the sex. no, not with tons and tons of people, but i've had sex tons and tons of times with the people that i've had the sexy time with. are you picking up what i'm putting down here?

anyvajazzle, since andy asked me to guest post i've relived every sexcapade that i've had, trying to nail down the perfect story to tell you guys. and after a week and some odd days, i still have no idea which story i should tell y'all.

should i tell about the time i had sex in a hay loft? no, that's boring, everyone's done that. what about the countless nights i spent in the bed of my ex fiancées pickup? nah, most of those were accompanied by booze, so i'd probably only be able to get to the point where i got my pants down around my ankles and then everything else would be blurry. what about the wonderful parent-free weekend i spent with my date after the senior prom? you guys wanna hear about that? nah, there's nothing exciting there, besides the fact that we did it 27 times in a matter of 30 hours. i was sore for a few days after that.

let's see, what else could i tell y'all? there was my brief bad boy era right out of high school that's semi-steamy. he was at least 5 years older than me. (y'all will have to forgive my memory, i don't remember his exact age, mostly because i don't remember a lot about him. there were copious amounts of alcohol that were consumed in the short time we were together.) he had crazy tattoos and was almost 6 and a half feet tall. and he was hot. or so i thought at the time. we met one friday night in the sonic parking lot (i'm from a small town, this is how everyone met) and moved in together 3 weeks later. and we humped like rabbits. (side note: i'm seeing a pattern in every one of my relationships, after we start having sex, we have sex all the time!) we'd wake up, have sex, go to work, come home for lunch, have sex, go back to work, come home after work, have sex, go out for the night, come home, have sex, go to bed, have sex, fall asleep, wake up at 3 am, have sex. it was a vicious cycle. some days we'd call in sick to work and spend the day having sex. only stopping to eat or have a cigarette. (i smoked in those days because i thought it was cool. i was easily influenced) when we were at home i'd walk around in one of his button down shirts because he thought it was sexy. which led to us having sex. and the sex was ohmygah amazing! i'm talking body shaking, toe curling, headboard breaking awesome. the sex was so good, i decided i was going to marry this guy. despite the fact that he was a raging alcoholic and would pass out and wet the bed. sexy, huh? this went on for three very hot and heavy months. then one day, i found out he was also having body shaking, toe curling, headboard breaking great sex with someone else when we weren't doing it. where the hell they had time to do it is beyond me.

after that i went a little wild and had my first one night stand. although, i'm not sure it counts as a one night stand since it was with someone i'd known for at least 4 years, and he was so nervous he puked. sadly, that was the most memorable part of the night. the sex was not. shortly after that i had a threesome. that wasn't interesting to me in the least. too many arms and legs and not enough doing the deed. maybe we were doing it wrong.

about a year later i met the hubs. i knew he was the man i was going to marry after knowing him for 12 hours. we had sex for the first time after 48 hours. and let me tell you, what they say is true, when you're in love, sex is so much different and so much better. but, it was the same in the aspect that we did it all the time. we'd find any excuse to run off and have sex.

five and a half years later we're still having sex, just not near as much. after having our daughter our sex life dwindled down a bit. it's more of a comfortable glow than a burning flame. but, don't get me wrong, we still know how to heat things up in the boudoir, it's just that we're exhausted at the end of the day, and we end up passing out as soon our heads hit the pillows. we still experiment and try new things, we just don't do it as often.

but i have to say, after all of my sexual adventures, i'll take married, post-baby sex over wild, single girl sex any day. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm off to shower and shave, momma's gettin lucky tonight!