in which I don't write

I've been having trouble wanting to write lately.

I'm stressed. And cranky. 

I know the act of writing will ease my stress, but coming up with a topic is stressful too.

I feel like I did during the end of each semester in college. During the semester, I'd whip out brilliant essays no problem. My mind would be whirling with topics and theses during class and I'd write like a maniac and out would come something I was proud of.

But at the end of the semester, under deadlines and pressure and still had 4 novels to finish for that one seminar and 5 papers due, I'd lose any ability to even start a paper. I'd stare at the screen blanky hoping a brilliant thesis would pop out at me and I could work from there. If I could just get that one brilliant idea...

Yeah I got nothing.

I've got stress. It's looking like Jete's surgery will not be paid for by any vaccine company because her records are incomplete and we have no proof of which manufacturer's vaccine she was given. So that's 3 grand right there. And there's nothing I can do about it.

But the donations keep coming in. Because you guys are amazing. I wish I could just climb through my computer and hug you! The original vaccine company is now refusing to pay for her biopsy that she already had and they already refused to pay for. But with your help, I just might afford that. 

I even got copies of all her records so I could do my own sleuthing. There's nothing there.

But I don't really want to write about that. I'm so tired of writing about that.

She gets her first carboplatin treatment today. And then I'll be keeping and eye on her to make sure she doesn't have a bad reaction.

But I don't really want to write about that.

I had a complicated night last night. Went to Lissa Rankin's book signing which was super cool and nurturing and the feminine energy just filled me and warmed my soul. I love discussing sex and vaginas and gender theory. I need more of that. I have so many thoughts I want to write about from that experience.

But then I had a dose of having to be the bad guy when I knew I was doing the right thing. But doing the right thing doesn't always make everyone happy.

So life is complicated.

But I don't really want to write about that.

I need to be looking for part-time work to supplement my meager and temporary freelance gig. But there's always so much else going on. How do I find the balance?

But I don't really want to write about that.

There's a video roaming the internet showing high school girls falling as they try and jump over hurdles on a track. People are in stitches over these girls falling on their faces and getting up and trying again.

But it just breaks my heart. These are just young girls. No athlete is born leaping over hurdles. These are not actresses. These are real girls! For whom high school is probably tough enough with other mean girls and boys and sexuality and periods and a myriad of shit that happens between the ages of 13 and 18.

And now they have to deal with the entire internet laughing at them for just trying to do something at which they stumbled. Do we not think it was humilating enough to have fallen in the first place? But now the whole world is laughing.

The same people laughing are the same people rallying against the bullying of GLBT teens. And I still stand for that cause. But how is this any different?

These girls are being bullied by the world now. People everywhere pull up this video and laugh.

We love to think we're so enlightened, but we're not enlightened. We're assholes. Ready to defend when it's popular, but quick to laugh when everyone else is laughing.

Assholes. 

But I guess I don't really want to write about that either.

Then there's that pedophile how-to manual, which is on Amazon. I won't link to it. If you want to know more and hear more eloquent arguments, check out these posts by Late Enough and My Tornado Alley.

I am the first to condemn censorship. i support pornography and banned books. So this is a delicate topic for me and one which I want to broach carefully.

Publishers have no trouble applying censorship as they see fit. If this were about free speech and freedom of the press, we'd see the word "vagina" on the cover of books more often. There wouldn't be banned books in any state. More writers of controversial subjects would be published.

But this isn't about censorship.

I also suspect that pedophiles don't really need how-to manuals. I'm willing to bet that these predators know just how to pick their victims and prey upon the weak and helpless.

What I'm concerned about is what a book of this kind condones. Is Amazon really going on record condoning pedophilia? That's the message I'm hearing.

When vaginas are censored and pedophilia is not, there is a disconnect. We've really missed what's important in our society.

But I really don't want to write about that.

I will do something, however. I'll be taking the Amazon ads off my site. And I won't link to Amazon products anymore. Just to ease my conscience.

If you disagree, don't read. My blog has always had the most amazing and supportive readership. You guys encourage my foul mouth and range of racy subjects. So it bears saying that I'd like to keep it that way. I have a small readership, but an awesome one. Those who want to be mean or rude can go fuck themselves. They don't have a place here.

I guess I could write about that.

But I'm too cranky.

Instead, here's a baby picture of moi:

Don't be jealous. Not everyone can be this damn cute.

I know I feel a little better now. How about you?