runnin' just as fast as we can

Sometimes I love running. Sometimes I hate it. Lately I've been hating it, mostly because I think I'm developing asthma or something like it. I don't know if I've just been sick for a month or if it's from the So Cal fires last year, but when I run lately, my lungs feel like they're wadding up into a tiny ball and I can't pull in enough air.

It's infuriating, especially for someone like me who has trouble slowing down. I just keep running through it. This is why I tore both my abductors dancing when I was 20. Because it was one, then the other, first just pulls, then full-on tears. Because I kept dancing.

So it should be no surprise that I went running tonight despite the lung pain. But I've been carrying around this wad of frustration and angst (angst is like baby anger) and I wanted to let it out in a healthy way (well, healthy emotionally). And I normally start at a fast walk to warm up. But tonight, no, tonight I ran straight off. And it felt damn good. And there was a good while where I didn't feel my lungs or my heart or my legs and I was just in the moment, running. And I forgot about the angst and the frustration and the stress.

But I eventually had to stop, mostly because I literally couldn't get a breath. And then it all came flooding back in. And I didn't feel better. Now I just felt kind of worse, more stressed, more angsty. Like that initial run was a glorious band aid that wouldn't re stick.

So I pushed through, walking, running, walking, running. But I still felt pretty emotional. And now I felt wheezy too. But I pushed through. I did. And I did the last block at a sprint in some effort to regain that feeling of abandon I'd had when I begun. But of course I didn't.

And now I could seriously pass out in all my gloriously funky sweat and tears.

I have a big weekend ahead of me, working for the next three days on three different events. I really need to find a way to get my head clear first. Maybe instead of exercise, I should turn to a hot bath, a bottle of wine (ok, maybe just a glass. I do have to work tomorrow), and angry chick music.