Monday, February 1, 2010

Advice According to Andy

Lesson 1: You're at the grocery store, market, whatever the hell you call the place you buy your foods (no, not takeout) with a small basketful of things, ready to check out. There are two lines open, one with only one person in line but with enough food to feed a small country, the other is a long line of people with just a few things each. Which line do you choose? That's right. You get behind the freak with tons of stuff. Because even though she has more crap to purchase, she only has to pay once. Because that's what takes a goddamn year (unless she has a checkbook. that negates everything. besides, who writes checks anymore? what is this, 1995?). And then, as you exit the store before all of those schmucks still standing in line, shout, Peace, BITCHES! (in your head). And bask in the glory of small victories.

Lesson 2: You're at a stop sign trying to turn left amidst crazy ass traffic. The douche across the way has the right of way and is apparently going straight (no, he's not gay. if he were gay, he'd be a better driver). Douche successfully passes up two nice gaps in traffic and is still sitting there like like he's watching a damn tennis match. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. WE GET IT! The next gap in traffic is coming. So what do you do? That's right. You go. Just go. If he wants to enjoy the scenery, that's his right. Don't flip him off, even when he turns on his left turn signal. It's not his fault he's a moron; it's the DMV's (and yes, that is an accurate use of the apostrophe. bite me.) fault for giving him a license. As you glide into your lane with all the finesse of a love child of Baryshnikov and Jeff Gordon, give a little victory cry (bonus points if you shout SUCK ON THAT and yodel like Janis in Mean Girls. even more points if you don't have to look that up.) And bask in the glory of small victories.

Lesson 3: You're in a work meeting. It's the usual, going over what's what and who needs who done, the usual schmusual. Nothing too exciting or dramatic. And your boss looks over his shoulder and out the large office window noticing some hoodlums up to no good. They're even throwing oranges into the parking lot. And all you can think about is your brand new bumper you paid for last year. After calling security to tell these punks what's what to no avail, Boss decides to take some action and goes to the window in the office next door and yells at these little bastards, shouting, "HEY! Get the HELL out of here!" Then the punks chuck an orange at Boss and he screams "Expletive you too!" and goes for the stairs. So what do you do? That's right. You laugh! Not at Boss. You're laughing because that is the single most exciting thing you've seen all day and the completely coolest you've seen your boss. Ever. You laugh and when he returns and apologizes for his language, you say, "Don't apologize. That was awesome!" And you totally mean it. And bask in the glory of small victories.

All in a day's work.

2 comments mean you love me:

Deirdre said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hey I just found your blog through Great Moments in Christory and think your blog is funny! Also found it interesting that you're from a small town in CA - me too! Looking forward to seeing more of your blog when I'm not supposed to be working..

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Deirdre- THANKS! I love new readers! :) Small town Californians. No one else like us.

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