Hot Mess Monday

So I fell down my stairs last night. Seriously. I did. Like a baby giraffe just learning to walk. Down stairs. Only that baby giraffe was wearing a long skirt that got caught under its feet in the process. Also, the giraffe has toes and its big toe jammed up into its foot causing searing pain and so the giraffe emitted a gawdawful yelping MOTHERFUCKER OWWW!.

The giraffe has a bit of a potty mouth.

So yeah, I fucked up my toe. I iced it a ton last night, but it still hurts today. And I've broken a toe before (The same toe, come to think of it.) and THAT shit hurts like a motherfucking sonofabitch (That's the technical term. At least, that's what the baby giraffe told me.), so I don't think it's broken. And it's not my toe exactly that hurts; it's more like the joint where my big toe connects to my foot. And now I'm getting shooting pains along the bottom of my foot to my heel. Fucking awesome!

Of course to add to that, I've also got The Period going on and my cramps are making want to strangle a small, male animal. But not a baby giraffe. Never. A baby giraffe.

And then the cabinet guys were supposed to come fix our crooked cabinets today, but they're not here yet, the fuckers. I swear to all things unholy if we don't get usable cabinets soon, I will transform into an adult giraffe and trample my smug fucking landlord's car. I know which one it is too. She parks right outside my house. Wunderbar (Spellcheck wanted me to change that to wonderbra. I considered it for a full 2 minutes.)!

Then I spent a good 15 minutes (which is like FOREVER, YO!) on hold with my student loan company to ask one tiny question only for them to tell me that I'm fine. Yup. Worth it. Totally worth it.

So you could say I'm a hot mess this jour. A hot fucking mess.

On the potential upside, I sent my resume in for an awesome kickass job this morning, a job that I'd be awesome at and would pay well (hopefully) and is closeish to where I live and is perfect. And I want it. A lot. If you can't tell. I want this job. If I don't get it, yours truly will be stripping soon. And we all know I'll be awesome at that.

And this last weekend waaaas pretty great so I can't complain too too much. Still doesn't make me a hot non-mess. But still. it was fun.

I still suck today. I'm still a pathetic hot mess. Maybe it's because it's Monday? OOH! New idea! Hot Mess Mondays! What do you think?

The baby giraffe thinks it's awesome. So there.

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like a red rubber ball

The time has come, to talk of many things...no no no, Lewis Carol, get the eff out of my head so I can write something sensical. Right. Like anything that comes out of my fingertips is ever sensical. Oh well. Allow me to start over if you will. The time has come for bed, but naturally, that's the time my brain really turns on.

I had a good day today. When I tell you what happened today, you are going to want to climb into the computer and slap the living shit out of me, begging me to see reason. You are going to say, "DAMN, woman! You had a bad day. You had a BAD. DAY." But, I won't see reason. So you can just keep on a slappin'. In fact, that slap is starting to feel good. Hold on, let me put on some music. Uno dos tres...

Where was I? Oh yeah, my good day. Well, let's just list all the good points. I had a sucky as weekend. So I was glad to wake up in a good mood after a really, really good (damn good) dream. I was glad to be busy, to go to work and crack into some of my projects, to make a dent in my work. I normally despise Mondays with the core of my being, but I was stoked to go in today. So what if that's in comparison to my craptastic weekend? So what. Life is all relative, my friends. And I was ready to be happy today. Ready for a good, damn day.

So you can imagine my chagrin, my utter despair at discovering a missing valuable item. I went to the Target on my lunch break. side note: isn't life much better with definite articles? because I was looking for some pink shorts to wear at the cancer walk on Sunday. And I found some. Can you believe it? Happy days are here again. Right? Well, when I went to purchase said pink shorts, my wallet was gone. GONE. Like, not buried in my endless pit of a purse, in my monstrous sack of a bag. Gone. And let's clarify: I wasn't upset yet. I was only inconvenienced and irritated. Like, this is so entirely LAME!

So, then commenced the frantic search for the wallet. Never mind that I was driving licenseless. I retraced my steps, I called friends. Nada. Then commenced the canceling of the debit card, my corporate credit card, the iTunes card. Meh. I still wasn't upset. Even when I announced to the boss that I would be late tomorrow because I now have to subject myself to the insanity that is the California Department of Motor Vehicles, (I can think of a better explanation for the letters DMV, but I won't repeat them here) I wasn't upset. In fact, this whole ordeal has been kind of funny. Funny in an I just ran over one of my crazy cat lady neighbor's many cats kind of way. But still funny nonetheless.

It's kind of ridiculous right? I had the shittiest of shitty shittastic weekends and at work on Monday, my wallet disappears. And who does that kind of thing happen to? Me. Moi. Yours effing truly. It's highlarious.

I'm pretty sure it's stolen, and pretty sure it was right out of my office. Unless it fell out of my purse pit, I don't see how I could've lost it so easily. But, oh wells. What are you gonna do? I could wallow and cry and bitch, but I've already done enough of that for the next ten years so I'm all out of wallow. If you have some extra, I could bring myself to do a little, but only a little. I know my limits.

So whatevs. I'll spend my morning in the DMV (you're trying to figure out what words I was thinking of aren't you?) instead of doing the writing I need to for work. That's life. That's what all the people say. And still, and still, I had a good day. I enjoyed my happy hour with the therapist. Hell, that woman makes my day. And I enjoyed seeing Mo and drinking tea and getting her addition to my Halloween costume. Which, oh em gee, is the best costume in the history of Halloween. In the history of costumes. In the history of the world. The best. And I'm not even exaggerating. I'm just being honest. Is your curiosity piqued? GOOD! Because I'm not telling what it is. You have to wait for the pictures in one whole month. MUAHAHAHA!

I feel sexy when I do my evil laugh. I mean, don't you?