Changes

 

I've still been struggling. I know it's not been long, but impatience is the hardest part of finding yourself again. I've been making baby steps, trying to do some things I love, find some creative "me" time, but it's slow going. As is probably normal. But this liminal space, this weird middle place where I know what I want but can't quite get there, is really damned hard.

And subsequently, I feel kind of manic. One minute, I'm all over this shit, then the next I'm sad and lost and weepy. If I had periods, I'd think I was hormonal, but I think I'm just figuring shit out and it's fucking hard. Though I do know the path to finding oneself is never easy; I just thought I'd figured a bunch of this shit out already, so I'm kind of resentful. How did I let myself get here?

Sigh.



Not that it's entirely my fault per se. Life happens yo. And I've had some major life changes this year. Something was bound to give, but I was less that diligent about holding on to my passions.  We all make adjustments. So I'm in the place now of trying to figure out what I can integrate back in and what I can just set aside for the time being.

Anywayyyy, the other day, my bestie Lynnette and I made our way to Hoyt Arboretum here in Portland and had a blast tromping through the woods, taking a million photos and freezing our asses off. I really needed that and some of my shots came out fucking awesome, which is incredibly satisfying.



Then I had a low moment again that night (like I said, manic) and my practically big sister Lori (probably one of the most supportive and wisest women I know) made me promise to write once a week and take photos once a week. I'm going to do my damndest to do just that and I'm putting it here in the hopes of feeling some commitment to it. That is, more than just because it's good for me. Because, I haven't been good at doing what's good for me, so clearly I need some forcing until it's second nature again.

I've said many times, especially when I'm at my most blissful or satisfied, that happiness doesn't find you. You have to chase it, seek it out, choose it. So it's no wonder that when I stopped chasing my bliss, I lost it.



So it may be a long road, but I'll find it again, dammit! Right now, I'm in a coffee shop, sipping tea, writing, and editing film. Finally doing something I used to absolutely love. And it feels good. Really good.

I've always love fall, autumn. The change, the crisp energy crackling in the air. So I think it's appropriate that this is when I find my change.