Sunday, November 6, 2011

Changes

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I've still been struggling. I know it's not been long, but impatience is the hardest part of finding yourself again. I've been making baby steps, trying to do some things I love, find some creative "me" time, but it's slow going. As is probably normal. But this liminal space, this weird middle place where I know what I want but can't quite get there, is really damned hard.

And subsequently, I feel kind of manic. One minute, I'm all over this shit, then the next I'm sad and lost and weepy. If I had periods, I'd think I was hormonal, but I think I'm just figuring shit out and it's fucking hard. Though I do know the path to finding oneself is never easy; I just thought I'd figured a bunch of this shit out already, so I'm kind of resentful. How did I let myself get here?

Sigh.



Not that it's entirely my fault per se. Life happens yo. And I've had some major life changes this year. Something was bound to give, but I was less that diligent about holding on to my passions.  We all make adjustments. So I'm in the place now of trying to figure out what I can integrate back in and what I can just set aside for the time being.

Anywayyyy, the other day, my bestie Lynnette and I made our way to Hoyt Arboretum here in Portland and had a blast tromping through the woods, taking a million photos and freezing our asses off. I really needed that and some of my shots came out fucking awesome, which is incredibly satisfying.

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Then I had a low moment again that night (like I said, manic) and my practically big sister Lori (probably one of the most supportive and wisest women I know) made me promise to write once a week and take photos once a week. I'm going to do my damndest to do just that and I'm putting it here in the hopes of feeling some commitment to it. That is, more than just because it's good for me. Because, I haven't been good at doing what's good for me, so clearly I need some forcing until it's second nature again.

I've said many times, especially when I'm at my most blissful or satisfied, that happiness doesn't find you. You have to chase it, seek it out, choose it. So it's no wonder that when I stopped chasing my bliss, I lost it.

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So it may be a long road, but I'll find it again, dammit! Right now, I'm in a coffee shop, sipping tea, writing, and editing film. Finally doing something I used to absolutely love. And it feels good. Really good.

I've always love fall, autumn. The change, the crisp energy crackling in the air. So I think it's appropriate that this is when I find my change.

8 comments mean you love me:

Jenna said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Im glad to see you writing, and Im grateful that you chose to talk about how you've been feeling. Ive had a hell of a summer and fall myself, and it really is hard to come to my blog and write, to concentrate or feel like I can publish. I just wanted you to know Im listening. Im glad youre doing something that makes you feel good, that youre doing for you.

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Fabulous shots, love the colours.
It is hard to find focus when you are struggling. Just remember that it always comes back. Sending lots of good vibes and hugs your way!

Misfits Vintage said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Love these beautiful pics and I'm right beside you too, looking for it, chasing it...

Sarah xxx

Cat Chat With Caren And Cody said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

your photos are some of the best I have seen you do.....superb......sometimes our creations are the best when we are at our lowest...there is a bright spot to any darkness.

Skye said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love fall too. Hey, at least you know what you want- some of us are not quite there yet. :) I'm glad you're taking time for your passions. I hope it helps.

Lori said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You know what? You're the Little Engine That Could. IthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcan!

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

If I didn't live in a studio apartment with no wall space left, I'd totally display all of these stunning shots. You keep getting better and better.

Nubian said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love your photography. Fall, a time for change, for all of us.

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