Sunday, November 27, 2011

Alone

So how many weeks has it been since my ass was dumped and my heart ripped out? Two? Three? The days are all blurring into one and I can't really keep track. Plus this long vacation threw me off of thinking in terms of a calendar. Nonetheless, here I am.

Here I am.

I'm kind of miserable. Maybe I shouldn't share that. He probably still reads this thing and that would seem pathetic or something I'm sure. Wouldn't want to show our true feelings, would we? That would be playing it all wrong, right? Blech. I've never been one for playing by the rules. Rules schmules. They don't suit my brand of crazy.

So here I am. Breaking the rules. Sharing my misery.

Doesn't help that right now I have the hangover from hell and so am feeling especially shitty.

And that's just it. Most of the time, I'm okay. I feel good. I find things that make me happy. Keeping busy helps a ton. But in the quiet moments or when I feel down for some reason or another, the sadness creeps in and I lose it.

I think the hardest right now is thinking that he's so happy without me and I'm here all alone again, left behind. I think I'd feel better if I knew he was sad too.

And at the end of the day, I know it's for the better. I do know that. It's just been hard.

So naturally I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and all my relationships and how I keep finding myself here. I feel like I want to hope for the future, but if something doesn't change, what little hope I have left is not going to cut it.

So.

So.

This is really hard to write. To accept culpability for being left over and over again. To find what I've been doing to make that happen. And I think it's this: I am alone.

Think about that for a second.

I am alone. Alone is my default. It's my true self as I know it. 

I learned a little psychology lesson recently in a random setting, but hit me as really poignant. I'm gonna get this wrong, but I think I have the idea right at any rate. There is a part of your subconscious that believes you are a certain way and so we repeat patterns to make that true. The brain is just that powerful. Even if circumstances change, we sabotage them to keep those "truths." Make sense?

How does this apply to me? Well, I've always been an independent girl. Apparently my foster mom said she'd never met such an independent baby and I was very cautious with affection as a child. As an adult, in relationships, I've done one of two things. In my early twenties, if things got scary, I'd just leave (peace the fuck out, yo). The latter part of my dating life, if I suspected my boyfriend was puling away, I would too. Instead of fighting for a relationship (and it's not like I'd leave, but I'll get to that later), I'd just pull back, convinced (rationalizing) that if he really loved me then he'd make the effort. Fighting is just too scary. Too risky.

Yet I don't fight and I get left anyhow.

So back to my orginal point, I think this is in part because I'm adopted. It's not necessarily the fear of abandonment (though that's a part of it for sure), it's that I came into this world alone and I've always taken care of myself and I think I truly believe deep down that that's how I'll always be. Alone.

And so I make it so. Not consciously of course. And I'm not happy about it. But I do it nonetheless.

Of course I don't want to keep it that way. I want to be all-in in a relationship.

Not that my heart isn't all in. It is. It was. And that's partly why I'm sad, because my heart is pretty broken still.

But I clearly hold myself back and don't fight for what I want and need.

I also think maybe I'm choosing people who reaffirm this belief.  People who will ultimately keep me in that state of alone.

So I need to make some changes. Change my thinking. Change my self-perception. Change what truths I know about myself. I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet, but I think figuring this shit out is the first step.

I'm supposed to have coffee next week with another ex, one I'm so glad I stayed close(ish) with and whose perspective I can't wait to pull out of him, whether he likes it or not.

Then, since I haven't started therapy again yet (partly because wading through the HMO red tape is its own psychological hell), I think I'm going to recruit all my friends to have mini sessions with me. At least I can get talking and analyzing again.

And of course there's you, dear readers, dear friends, dear kiddos, you who are always here reading no matter how little I write or how crazy I get. I plan on using you people a lot. I'm not going to hold back here. I know you probably don't think I do, but I do hold back. I do censor the blog a bit. So I'm really going to be brutal on myself and let you help me through this process.

As my cousin told me just now, I'm not really alone. Not really.

16 comments mean you love me:

Dana said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You really remind me a lot of myself... In so many ways. I'm optimistic that we will one day give more of ourselves in relationships, rather than throwing up the walls.

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think there's always room for self-reflection, and it can be beneficial. But don't put all of the blame on yourself. Sometimes this stuff just ... happens.

After I was dumped twice in a row via email, an acquaintance suggested that I must have done something to trigger it, because the only constant in both relationships was me. While I see her point, I can't take responsibility for two back-to-back women turning out to be jerks. That's life. People are jerky. And somehow, despite the randomness of life, we're just supposed to keep hope alive that a non-jerk will find us and love us and not dump us in an email.

Dana said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

...or via text message - telling you they may or may not have genital herpes but they aren't blaming you... via text. I can laugh about it now, but it's true. some people are just jerks.

Daughteroftheearth said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

As a fellow adoptee my heart breaks to read this. I feel so much of your pain. I always liked and admired you when we were at UoR and in spite of our many differences, I feel like we have much in common. I wish you were closer, I'd go out for coffee or drinks with you to discuss. Here's a big cyber hug.

meredith said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'd never thought about that - sort of primal, emotional inertia. It goes a long way to explain a few things in my life, too. But then it's such a bodacious chick like you, who can make radical change, who'd come up with a plan like that, setting yourself up for *maybe* success.

I agree, of course, with Jess, though - people ARE jerks, and shit just happens - and it can't be your fault.

I adore you, A, and I am proud of you. Also, I've got a tin of cookies coming your way. <3

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This made me teary eyed- we've all got experiences of pain and sadness and tragic endings to relationships... Each one unique and each one making us feel like we could just curl up into the fetal position and lay under the safety of covers forever. Safe.

It gets better. It always does. And it'll repeat itself again. It always does.

But know, my sweet childhood friend, that there are a lot of people out there thinking about you, and offering that hot cup of tea and a hug- no matter how many miles are in between- and cheering you on to experience the next part of the roller coaster that is your life.

<3

Yvonne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Your post reminds me so much of myself. I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I've always been alone. Always. And I hate it. I have had relationships, but but serious ones. I date here and there, and get dumped and lose. But even when I'm doing these thigns, this dating or "hanging out" with someone, I'm alone. Still. See, I've got issues that I don't even know about. It's almost embarassing to say, but I want so badly to be in a relationship and experience whate everyone (seemingly) experience. Does that make sense? But getting back to you, you dear one, are not alone. You feel as if you are, because you are hurting. Give yourself time to heal. Set a time frame and stick to it. For example, " I will feel miserable for five more days and then that's it!", keep doing what you've been doing in terms of keeping busy. Surround yourself with friends and family who bring you up and lift your spirits. I think what you are doing, breaking the mold, breaking the "pattern" is fantastic and so dead on! Truly it is! You're already halfway there. Keep doing that. Go to therapy. Use your friends as therapists as well. And listen to yoursef. You are much stronger than you know. Really. Sorry for this long winded response. But you've hit a nerve with me. You know, no one likes to probe themselves, maybe because we are afraid of what we will see or find out. Or maybe because it will force us to see us as we really are. I'm sorry you're hurting. But as trite as this may sound, "this too, shall pass." Trust me! :)

Tiff said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

In my family, they think I'm a bitch. And it drives me crazy because I don't even have to be in the room to be blamed for starting conflict. But also, I'm the one sibling all of those people turn to for comfort or laughter. Gets really draining, you know?

But like you said, even though I KNOW I'm actually a really peaceful, loving person, I feel like I BECOME a bitch around my family, just because that's what they expect of me, no matter how hard I try not to be so.

Until I met the boyfriend I dated before my husband, I had put myself into this vicious cycle of egocentric, emotionally abusive relationships. And then I met Sammy. And then he went on a mission, and then I met Dave. And married him. And you know what I think made all the difference in the world? When I was in a relationship that didn't make me feel like I had to over-analyze and self-depricate myself (*cough,cough* as you are doing *cough*) and I was free to be loved as I am... not as I could or should be. But as I am.

When you find that, then alone won't even be an option.

*hugs*

Cheney Giordano said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That's the great thing about blogging - it's cheaper than therapy, and sort of makes you feel like you aren't alone as long as you know people are listening and thinking about you - which, obviously, they are.

Allie Gresham said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh honey...You are so much like me it's scary! My heart hurts for you and I want to give you a huge hug. I have been in therapy since mid September and it was just last week that I stopped sugar coating my blog. Please know I am here if you EVER need to talk. I will shoot you my number. I am amazing at listening. And after all I have been through I can offer some help I think! Hugs and so much love honey!!!

Hutch said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Chills...seriously. Your posts always hit so close to home. I'll be curious to hear how you find ways to break the cycle. I haven't figured it out yet and am settling for Alone because it's where I'm most comfortable.

Logical Libby said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Sometimes trying to embrace aloneness is easier than admitting you can put yourself out there and possibly get hurt again.

Keep your head up.

Skye said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow, you're making me think about what I might subconsciously think about myself. Very interesting. You seem really good at self-reflection- I hope you will figure out any internal blocks to your happiness.

Nichole said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It kills me that you're going through this, my friend.
I wish that there was some magic thing that I could say to relieve you of your sadness.

I'm here if you need another ear. xoxo

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

No need to censor. No need to hold back.

Some people are just twats and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone is here for ya. <3

Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is the second entry I've read of your blog...realised I might have to read more. I was adopted at 7 and relate entirely to the relationship stuff you talked about. And now I've found an amazing guy that even I couldn't justify leaving for no good reason. I rediscovered a quote that I normally apply to life, and one day it occured to me to apply it to relationships and my committment issues. Of course, only after your brain decides objectively that you are in a good, healthy relationship :-)
Here goes:

"Until one is committed, there is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

Concerning acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that never otherwise would have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would come his way.
...
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."

Goethe

Now, to read the rest of your blog!

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