Monday, June 28, 2010

Plethora of Periods

I have this chronic condition. It's debilitating sometimes. Interrupts my quality of life. I should get a prescription for medical marijuana for this condition. Or lithium. Do they still prescribe lithium?

I have The Period.

Yeah, so the boys might not want to read on. Just sayin'.

Started my period today, which means I spent a better part of my day at Disneyland yesterday stressing about starting and dealing with the insanity that comes just before I start. Seriously, the time right before I release the craken of blood is what I like to call the Hormone Death Trap Vortex of Insanity and Pain. Not to mention how effing inconvenient it is to have cramps and a case of the crankies and have to keep checking to see if you've started while you're also trying to live your life and even have fun (imagine that!).

Side note: I did have fun yesterday! It was just dampened by my fucking period. Yo.

Don't get me started on how much The Period sucks big giant sweaty monkey ass. I can't think of an upside. How to explain for those who don't have The Period (though if those lucky souls are still reading, I'd be damn surprised.)? I've already mentioned how Period is such a wimpy ass title for what it really is. How about the All Consuming Week of Pain and Horror and Blood. Sound right?

This is probably because of the "plethora," or my "morbid condition due to excess of red corpuscles in the blood or increase in the quantity of blood." Or perhaps it's just a plethora of blood itself. Or a plethora of insane fucking hormones. Or a plethora of cranky pants. Or a plethora of pinatas

Note: these symptoms differ in type and severity from woman to woman. Beware the man who assumes PMS. I say this for your own good.

This is my experience:

Cranky Pants. Most of the time (though not always), I know The Period is coming (even without a calendar) because I just want to cinch up my cranky pants and settle into a spectacular pout. I want to revel in my snarky nature, make fun of absolutely everything and drip disdain at the rest. I'm really happiest at that point curled up in bed in my fave pink sweatpants with my hair piled on top of my head, watching terrible movies, and eating ungodly amounts of ice cream and chips. Oh the sweet and salty (but I'll get to food in a bit). The Cranky Pants lasts into The Period, but really morphs into something more evil once it's actually begun. Then it's like an entire closet of cranky pants. You could even say I have a...plethora of cranky pants.

Pregnant Belly. I bloat. Like a motherfucking pregnant blow fish. Never mind that I feel fat and unattractive, because I wouldn't want anyone touching me anyway (ew), but the fact that I'm two sizes bigger just adds to the endless discomfort. And with a belly like this, I'd like something to show for it. Something like, oh, I don't know, how about a goddamn fetus? Instead I have water weight. A plethora of water weight. Who wants to coo at that? I'll tell you who. Nobody. Surprising, I know. I know. But, the one upside is my boobs get huge. Well, not huge by normal standards and certainly not by Hollywood standards (as Pam Anderson doubles over in laughter at my "huge" boobs), but huge for ME. Not that that matters, because they're so fucking tender that if someone touched them right now, I might punch him in the Larynx.

Vice of Death, aka cramps. Oh the motherfucking pain! I've had a plethora of horrendous cramps since my very first Period. It's because of some complicated medical reasons I need not bore you with, except to say that they are awful. As a teen, I'd get cramps so bad I'd pass out. Be debilitated for days, walking was difficult. I manage them now, but it still fucking hurts, feel like someone is squeezing a vice around my entire midsection whilst a little Nazi is kicking me from the inside with steel-toed boots. And THAT makes me cranky as all hell. Which brings me to...

The Screaming Banshee. Once I'm in the throes of The Period, I am in so much pain (a plethora of pain) that I cannot deal with any stress or extraneous thinking. Cannot. Deal. So don't bother me with it. Don't bother me with it. Also, don't touch me. Maybe even consider not looking at me. Otherwise I may just transform into the Screaming Banshee and carry your soul to hell.

Then there is hormone brain. I believe I may have mentioned earlier the plethora of hormones? Oh yeah, there's a plethora all right. Of crazy-making, brain-frying hormones. I've heard some women talk about pregnant brain...well, I don't know anything about that (obviously!), but I do know that during my period, an evil little army of hormones starts switching off the synapses in my otherwise brilliant brain and I cannot think to save a dying unicorn. I mean, really. I probably shouldn't be allowed to drive at this point, but how else is a girl to get to work? Where I will need to do things that require more thinking? That will most likely have to do with using my out of service brain?

Right.

It's a miracle of evolution that humanity still exists even with The Period. I'm just saying it's amazing this many men still live into their reproductive years and women actually mate with them despite the plethora of hormones and banshees and cranky pants and vices of death. I really do feel for the men of this world. They have no idea.

No. Idea.

Oh yeah, I was gonna talk about food. Eating. Yup, The Period makes me want to hoover up vast quantities of fat content and salty calories like a hungry, hungry hippo on death row. It's disgusting. And also amazing. There is never a plethora of food in my house so there is also always a level of disappointment when I realize that if I want to calm the hungry beast within, I will have to leave my lair. And that will probably require shoes. And a hat, if I don't want to scar children for life.



This post participates in:

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Shout out to the Nerd Mafia! Which I discovered through Taming Insanity. They started this word game WOW! and I couldn't resist participating because of this week's word. Can you guess what it was? It's one of my favorite words of all time. 

23 comments mean you love me:

Lizzy said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

dude. i love you. a plethora of love even. (also.jealous about the pink sweats. i may need to find me some.)

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love you too! :) pink sweats. Victoria's Secret yo. if you can't find some in the Canada, I may have to ship some up. for realsies.

guardling said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh Andy, you truly crack me up! I am so glad my husband loves me even when i am wearing "the cranky pants"! oh and along with all those things, i also get "the super sleepies". It's at these times that i become a bad parent and sleep whilst my lil one watches tv and hopefully doesn't try to turn on the stove or something else equally dangerous!
Shelley

Jo said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh I can totally relate. I really should be locked in a padded cell with a TV and some chocolate and a punch bag when ever The Period begins its seemingly endless torment.
RAAAAAAAA!

KLZ said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Um, so, where can I get some cranky pants to cinch up? Because I think I would live in them. Constantly.

leymilne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Andy my friend, you are a plethora of awesome. I'm going to make my husband read this, because even though he lives through my crazy every month it really explains why I "transform into the Screaming Banshee and carry your soul to hell".

Seriously, love you. Blog mistress, right here.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks for the comments, guys!!

Shell- I forgot about the super sleepies! I get those too, only at my desk. it's so inconvenient.

Jo-I call that padded cell my bed. it welcomes all banshees and chocolate.

KLZ- I get my cranky pants at Target, but my fave pair is from Vickies Secret. the trick is to find the most comfy ones, so you never want to take the cranky off.

Ley- THANKS! now considering changing my screen name to BansheeMistress. yeah? yeah!

Natalie said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh, how I love this post!! You should put it in a little book and market it to men so they know what they are really dealing with when we get The Period.

Thanks for linking up to Word Up, YO! and I am SO following you now!

Liz said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow! It's always hard for me be all excited about your incredible use of the WOW when what you writing about is actually a pretty shitty thing. I'm sorry your periods suck so bad, but it's awesome that you used plethora a bajillion times.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Natalie- Thanks for reading!! I really *should* write a book! hrm...

Lizzy- right? plethora is awesome. periods are not. life.

Aunt Becky said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You and I are on the same schedule! It's like college, except without the terrible, burned, generic, microwave popcorn!

Also, I am stabby and spent most of yesterday crying.

forty-something chick said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I can't think of a better use of the word of the week.....I think I got cramps just reading about your period!

Came over from Word Up, YO! Coincidence that your word verification is in RED today??

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Becky- we're all synced up like wolves. we should call ourselves womyn and dance around a fire. with vodka. yeah. cry it out, honey! it takes the stabbing away. wait, what?

forty-something chick- welcome and thanks for reading!! coincidence or FATE? :D

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This made me laugh. Out loud. Repeatedly. And that's no easy feat.

Also, although I think your purpose with this post was to scare off everyone and send them running away in horror, mostly I just want to sit beside you, hold your hand and wear matching pink cranky pants.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thank you my darling, fellow cat my lover. :D I think that's because you *get* it. you can come wear pink cranky pants with me anytime.

steff said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

hells to the YES, lady!
to all of it. ALL. OF. IT.
i only wish i could disassociate with myself during my "time of the month" bc being me/just being AROUND me sucks so hardcore that i'd rather be an armpit hair on a gravedigger than be anything like the way i feel during that time.
it's seriously the worst.
someone should give us a medal just for having to deal with it.
if you ask me...

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

thanks, darlin!

a MEDAL! YES! that's a brilliant idea. like a purple heart or a silver star.

Dawn said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

While I admit to not having the period anymore due to voluntarily leaving my uterus a the hospital several years ago, I too suffer from the hormonal crazies. Since I have ovaries, which produce hormones, which have no place to go, which are likely building up to epic proportions, I too need to punch a certain man doctor in the larynx. Feeling your pain...

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Yeah, even though I want a baby more than anything, I'd love to voluntarily leave my uterus at the hospital. sounds like I'd need to also leave the ovaries, though. hrm.

Paul and Kerry said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

omg. we just bonded over periods. not kidding...I am *almost* looking forward to menopause so this nightmare will end. i did do the pills so you only get 4 periods per year. yea, don't do it.

seriously, you are hilarious.

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

really? did the 4 periods a year pills suck?

thanks!!

Claudia said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

lol - soooo funny - and so true - love it!

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

haha thanks, Claudia!

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