Wednesday, June 2, 2010

cock up

I'm sorry, Internet, my dear, but this is going to be another whiney ass post. But have some cheese with my whine and do your best to enjoy it.

I have been such a fuck up lately. As my Brit friend puts it, a total cock up. Yup. And it's not like I'm usually this way, but I can't seem to keep my brain in my head. I'm just worn down by life lately, tired and stressed and also feeling blue. And I could use a little time to process what has happened in my life. Process and heal. And regroup my faculties.

But I just don't have that time. I've got a job to do and bills to pay and cats to feed and moving to accomplish (and all the insanity that goes along with that) and I can't seem to just breathe. And my therapist thought it would be good that I'm so busy, that I wouldn't have time to be sad, that it would keep my mind occupied. But that's not working. Because instead, my emotions are all haywire and I find myself angry or frustrated or all-out crying at the most inopportune times. I almost feel like a crazy person, trying to appear put together but my emotions completely out of my hands. It's been keeping me awake nights (fucking insomnia) and giving me migraines.

I'm not usually like this. But I can't regain control right now.

What I really need is some quiet to work things over and to really think about my life, even if that includes sadness. Maybe I need to really and truly feed SAD first in order to feel better. I need some old fashioned alone time to really explore myself and my feelings and feel how I'm feeling. I don't want to just press through and suck it up, because then my feelings burst out when I'm not prepared.

So anyway, I think that's why I've been cocking things up. Why I can't focus or employ my brain at its normal capacity.

And then my asshole cat escaped again today. And hid in my rose bushes. And looked at me with her goddamn bambi eyes as if to taunt me. Like, what are you gonna do now, bitch? huh? Little punk. And I've had a monstrous headache and was in no mood to coddle her. So I reached into the thorny ass rose bushes, scratching up my arms in the process, grabbed her by her scruff and she growled at me, took her inside and locked her in the bathroom for ten minutes (don't judge me. she's just a damn cat, not a child. you can't put a damn cat in time out.). But then it was so cute, because my other cat (the sweet, quiet, afraid one) laid by the bathroom door and laid his paws against the bottom of the door. As if he felt badly for her, as if he wanted to make her feel better.

Fucking cats, dude.

The little escapee. The bitch.

4 comments mean you love me:

cocosparkle said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That sucks! I feel for you as I feel that way sometimes. I also get those stress migraines...totally sucks! The last time I was in a funk like that I found another job and it seems to have cured it...do you think your job is part of the problem? I hope you have an awesome day today!! xoxo colleen

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Thanks for your comment. It's sweet. I don't think my job is the problem, just one reason I'm so busy. But soon, I'm relocating and going to have to find another job, which is also scary and part of the stress. :)

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Aww, best-friend cats.

My Teva escaped once, she was gone most of the day and a similar grabbing-from-thorny-brush scenario unfolded. And when I brought her back into the house, her sister Isabel walked up to her, sniffed her and then smacked her upside the head. And I was all, "Yeah. That's from both of us."

andygirl said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

cats, dude. cats.

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