I've been holding something back.
Out of discretion.
Out of a desire to not hurt any feelings.
Well that desire is gone.
Because I'm here to say that was a mistake.
Holding back only hurt me.
And now something is bubbling up, taking over, ruling my emotions.
I'm angry.
The thing is, anger is not necessarily a bad emotion. If I learned anything in therapy, it was to allow myself anger. Anger dissolves guilt. Anger can be healthy. When I finally let myself get angry at my mom for all of the endless horrible things she did to me, I finally let go of my guilt for never being good enough and I was able to let go. Then the most amazing thing happened: the anger dissipated. And I was happy.
Anger is a gateway drug to happiness.
As I gave a friend this very advice the other day, I thought, You dumbass! You're not taking your own advice!
Well that time is through. I'm ready to let the anger flow. Ready to swim in it until my fingers get all pruney.
Oh and for the record, this isn't me being passive aggressive. This is me being aggressive, nothing passive about it.
I'm angry at those who judge. Not just those who judge strangers, though I'll get to that. I'm angry at those who judge those they love.
I'm angry at anyone who looked at someone he or she cared for and thought, that person isn't good enough.
I'm angry at parents who hold back their pride. I'm angry at parents who never let their kids be enough, who are never pleased no matter how hard their kids try.
I'm angry at boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, lovers, friends who choose to "love" someone but deny the one thing that matters: esteem.
I put love in quotation marks, because I believe that it's not love if you don't approve of someone as they are. If your love is contingent upon them conforming to some belief of how that person should be, should behave.
Love is not about provisos or stipulations. Friendship is not about expectations. Parenthood is not about molding a little person into who and what you want.
Love is about letting the little things go. Friendship is about forgiving the small things. Parenthood is about loving your children even though they inevitably turn out vastly different than you expected.
I may not be a mother, but I know about being a child.
Unless your child kills someone or starts a life of crime, unless your best friend does something shitty like sleep with your husband, unless your lover a total douchecanoe and treats you like shit, I wouldn't really worry about the little annoying things.
Advice: Stop trying to change people!
I'm not saying settle for a lover who isn't good for you. I'm not saying choose friends who bring you down. I'm not saying permit your child to run amok (isn't that a great word?). I'm saying be kind. Be forgiving. Offer your esteem sans caveats.
I'm angry at every selfish jackass who thinks the world revolves around them, that others should always orbit them, that their friends and lovers and children should simply just conform to who they expect them to be.
Hint: Life is not all about you!
I'm angry at you who squashes the value and individuality and beauty of those around you under your heel.
Your selfishness gets under my skin and makes me completely insane! Your complete disregard for the beauty that is individuality and lack of respect for others as human beings who exist outside of your little world makes me utterly and totally angry.
And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Now to the judgmental, bigoted assholes. I don't believe in hell, but if I did, there would be a special place just for you filled with all the hate in your hearts.
Stop thinking that you're the best or the most privileged or the only one who is right simply because you have a certain skin tone or practice a certain religion or were born with a trust fund or were born in a certain country or it's legal for you to marry or vote or you wear certain clothes or you have access to certain luxuries or you speak a certain language or or or or or....
Stop it!
The world does not revolve around you. No one knows what they're doing, not even you. We're all bumbling around this planet trying to make the best of things. You're not the best, the most right, the most privileged.
Think about this: someone in a completely opposite situation from you (different skin, different country, different religion, different values, different gender and/or sexuality, different economic circumstances, different language, different system of government) might be happier than you. Might love their lives and their families and be content with what they have and who they are and don't give a flying fuck that you're different than them.
So stop it. Your selfishness is no longer acceptable.
So says the angry hippo!
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