Saturday, December 24, 2011

drunken Christmas eve blogging

I'm writing from gorgeous rarely, but it was today, sunny Seattle. Though it's not sunny right now. Right now it's nighttime and I just got back to my hotel after eating my body's weight in sushi and green tea ice cream and wine.

I'm in my happy place finally. Also: a little sloshed. Which was the point of this trip.

Why am I in Seattle? Well why the fuck not? All my friends and fam are in California and I had no absolutely no place to go because I have all of one friend in Portland anymore (more on that in a bit) and what else was I going to do? Sit at home and feel shitty? Nope. So I jumped in the car and drive the three hours to Seattle.

And, as it turns out, the drive was important. I cried almost the whole way. Not in a pathetic way, really, more of a I really needed to fucking cry kind of way. I've cried since the breakup, for sure, but not in a just letting go purging and crying it all out. I've been crying in furtive spurts, trying to keep it in so as not to scare my friends or make them feel uncomfortable. Crying like I did, all alone in the car, freely and without reserve, felt fucking great. I needed a good cry.

Then I was feeling much better for a while.

Buuuut then the holidays crept up and I got homesick and I realized that all but one of HP's friends had dumped me too and, god love her, but she of course has her own life and I understand that she's going to spend time with the group before me. And that leaves the one of my two besties, the one who lives in Portland. She's been so damned supportive and I so really appreciate that I get to be in the same city with her because what the hell would I do without her? She's my only friend here (well, there, in Portland). But more than that, there's a reason she's my best friend, because she's just so awesome.

But, like I said, she's really my only friend right now. Not that I need hoards of friends necessarily, and I do get that I have tons of friends down in California and I miss them all so immensely much right now. But it's the holidays, a time of year which does its damn best to make the alone feel more alone. And I am making some cool, new friends lately, but they're new and I feel pathetic insinuating myself into their lives just yet.

Can't you just see it?

"After a most tumultuous relationship, my tool of a boyfriend dumped my ass and took all his friends with him. Please be my friend and love me!"


When I graduated college, all my friends moved away. They went to grad school or went to their hometowns or got jobs and internships elsewhere. But for a while, because I stayed and worked, I found myself completely friendless. Of course, I made new friends in time, but it was odd to suddenly be left behind. That's sort of how I feel right now. Only it's slightly more depressing to have to start all over because one guy decided he didn't want me.

Not that I would change things or want him back, because I really really really don't. It's just awfully bad timing.

So I just needed an adventure, to choose aloneness for a bit, to explore and discover and think. Sometimes a girl just needs to get away.

So here I am, in Seattle, in a cushy hotel room (have I mentioned how much I love hotel rooms?) after having a great first day of vacation. I plan to stay up watching movies and drinking wine and tomorrow I can't wait to explore the city. While everyone is home eating and exchanging presents and arguing and stressing, I'll be tromping around the city and taking photos. Doesn't that sound lovely? Yeah, I think so too.

3 comments mean you love me:

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Here's my sober Christmas Day comment:

I'm at work. The most exciting thing that I did today was cat sitting. The cat belongs to one of my only friends in Boston. I've lived here for almost seven years, and I still have next to nothing to show for it. I need to move, but I don't know where. My special Christmas meal has been a frozen burrito and a banana. All of my co-workers are talking about what their spouses and children and friends gave them for the holiday. I think they think I'm being mean or cold when I don't participate in the conversation, but I just don't have anything to say. I ate a burrito.

So I was alone at Thanksgiving and now Christmas and soon New Year's. I would have at least gone home for the week, but I was trying to save vacation time to visit my girlfriend. Oh, but wait, that's right. She dumped me last week. Just in time for the holidays.

I think this has to be the most depressing comment ever. At least I'm winning at something.

Cat and DOG Chat With Caren said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

you know what I love so much about YOU and Jessica????


You BOTH rock!

Formerly Anonymous said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Love her voice and cadence. Enjoy, if you don't already know and love it.

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