Tuesday, September 6, 2011


You may have noticed that I've been having some anxiety lately. I haven't been totally happy and I've come to think that's my fault because I've let go many of the things that make me happy. Amateur move right there.

So it's been a slow crawl into crazy town, lemme tell ya.

For one, I'm not in therapy anymore so it's not like I have a coach in my corner keeping an eye out for any stumbles. Not that I want to need a therapist for the rest of my life, but I was maybe not ready to lose that help. When I was in therapy, I was doing great! I was making progress and healing and learning and growing. I had cut my visits down dramatically. Also, I used to take anti-anxiety drugs (more on that in a minute), which my therapist helped me taper off of. By the time I moved to Portland, she was confident I'd be fine.

Except I didn't keep up all the good skills I learned there. I wasn't nurturing myself. I wasn't continuing my personal growth at all. And my anxiety just popped right back up.

I have to say it was a bad sort of manic feeling. Not manic exactly, because I wasn't swinging from the rafters one minute and then hanging myself from them the next (sorry to make light of that). But my anxiety episodes would feel sort of manic, like out of control. Once I felt it, I couldn't stop it. And the more I tried to stop it, the worse it got.

I'm positive, too, that a lot of this is due to once again putting my heart on the line and really letting myself fall. Now, we can't blame any of this on him, because he is a fucking trooper for dealing with my array of shit and I wouldn't blame him if he ran the other fucking direction, leaving flaming tracks in his wake. But he seems to love me, so he pushes back. Which, in the moment, makes me feel awful, but in truth, is probably good.

Nonetheless, heart outage is scary yo. And he'll meet my family in like two weeks which is MAJOR scary. Not that I'm worried they won't like him, because they will and even if they didn't, I wouldn't care. It's mostly that I just want things to go smoothly, but also because this is a big deal. Big. For me, anyway.

So yeah, I can't believe I didn't see all that anxiety coming and that I was arrogant enough to think I could just manage it on my own.

And yeah, the drugs. Xanax helped me in the past. A lot. I could never take a full dose anyway, because I felt like a damn zombie. Plus I never wanted to stay on it because, HELLO! my mother is a prescription drug addict and putting chemicals into my body for extended periods of times scares me more than I can express. But I haven't taken any in almost two years and I was doing splendidly.

Until personal demons and twelve o'clock!


And I've been acting irrationally for absolutely no good reason and out of the damn blue. Well, not totally out of the blue. There's always a trigger, but it's never anything to get worked up over. The real me would just get annoyed and then decide whether it's worth worrying about or just letting go. I'm a big fan of letting things go because life is just too damn short and I spend enough of it worrying anyway.

But last night, I was a crazy bitch. I flipped out on Hot Pants because he fell asleep. Yup. Criminal right? Sleeping is bullshit. How dare he. Sarcasm font.

I can't believe he didn't dump my ass right then. Who needs a crazy bitch flipping out on them for stupid shit? Nobody, that's who. But he didn't.

And I didn't see it right away, but after an insomniac night of sort of loathing myself and wondering if I'd gone off the deep end (Which I'm told is a sign of sanity. Crazy people never wonder if they're crazy right?), I sort of had enough. It wasn't quite an epiphany, but more of a feeling of being fed up with my own behavior.

So I called my old therapist today (lard love her) and had a long talk about everything and she reminded me about what I used to do to find outlets and feel happy and creative and nurture myself. She also talked me into trying some herbal remedies that have worked for some of her other patients for controlling anxiety and mood. So I'm gonna try that. Everyone cross your fingers.

Plus, I'm getting benefits at Le Job and so I'm going to find a new therapist ASAP.

And of course I apologized to Hot Pants and he forgave me, like the awesome guy he is. I only hope he acts crazy one day so I can return the favor. Wait, I take that back.

8 comments mean you love me:

Yvonne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This post gave me goosebumps. I saw a lot of myself in you, er, your post. Anxiety attacks for me, are like the demon spawn itself has come to vist! And then the "recovery" time afterward, is draining to the core. Sigh, I'm counting the days until my new health insurance kicks in. I need a therapist again and I need that now! But back to you!;) I think that recognizing your "dilemma" and being proactive about it, is a great accomplishment! I wish you success on your journey back from Crazy Town.

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

The best is that you see what is happening and taking actions against it. Hot Pants sounds like a fab guy!

So all my fingers are crossed that you find your balance again. Sending lots of happy, good vibes and love your way! xoxo

Skye said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think you're not crazy as long as you notice when you're not doing as well and you need help- especially if you actually act on it and do get help! (That's the step I always have trouble with.) I'm glad your guy is supportive too. :)

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I tried to leave a comment on your last post that I don't think took, but ummm, seriously, could you stop trying to be me? I mean, I'm flattered really, but I don't think you (or the people in your life) are ready for this crazy.

Keep your head up. If you have the time, I have some awesome books I could recommend. I just started working with a therapist and she has these relaxation exercises, and she does CBT. Having someone else with CBT is waaay cool, but you can do it alone as well. Have you ever tried it?

I hope your anxiety lessens though.

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

that sucks, i completely understand the feeling. myself, i'm bipolar. so i REALLY get the whole manic, anxiety thing.
what herbal remedies did your therapist suggest??? because i might want to try that! my new doctor won't prescribe me my xanax, keeps saying she "doesn't prescribe narcotics."
i don't even think xanax IS a narcotic, but whatever.
i hope you get to feeling better soon!

Logical Libby said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I like to think of my anxiety as a separate person, so I can battle it. Of course, then it gets ugly when I start punching myself.

Keep your head up.

Suniverse said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh, my sweet, sweet, sweet darling woman.

I know how you feel, and how frustrating it is when you get the push back on the anxiety crazy, and how you know it's actually a help, but that doesn't mean you like it.

Not that I just asked the husband 8,569 times whether or not the milk I used to make the ice cream was spoiled, even though I tasted it, he tasted it and then I tasted the ice cream and now I'm kind of sitting here wondering if the milk was spoiled.

Fucking anxiety.

alonewithcats said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"Crazy people never wonder if they're crazy." So, so true. As long as you're aware of how you're feeling, and how to proceed, you're way ahead of the game.

I once googled an ex who STALKED me and came across an online profile where the first sentence began "Not to brag, but I'm sane and looking for the same in others ..."

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