Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fears

I'm scared of lots of things and I'm not scared of much. Little things? Piece of cake. I'll probably jump out of an airplane one day (finances willing) or off a cliff into the Mediterranean or whatever. I get a little thrill of the typically scary things.

But the big things? Terrify me. Terrify me to the point that I worry these fears dictate my decisions or freeze me to the point where I make no decisions at all.

However, there are exceptions. I'll give myself that. I did quit my steady job to move a gathousand miles (okay, not quite that much) to live somewhere new where I only knew maybe 4 people. I was chasing happiness but it was definitely scary beyond my normal comfort zone.

And I do love learning new things. Things are awesome right now at le job because I'm getting so much new stuff thrown at me. I just eat that right up.

But my fears are deep, deep, deep. I'm so scared of becoming someone I don't want to be. I'm scared that because I try so hard to not be that person. To not be crazy, to not be a burden on others, that I might become its equally destructive opposite.

I'm scared of becoming my mom. I'm scared of drug addiction and inviting addiction into my life. I'm scared of her crazy, of it infecting me, of losing my mind. I'm scared of being cruel and narcissistic.

What if she's made it impossible for me to be a good mother?

"For a mother to be expected to show up sane and reliable is the least any kid deserves."

I read that in a book the other day and it slew me. I started bawling, in between bites of salad, sitting outside next to all the other workers on their lunch breaks, I just cried at the truth of my life.

But I'm also scared that I blame everything on her. I'm scared that it's impossible for me to be an adult because I can't get over this huge thing of my past. At what point can I just let it go and just be ME? Who am I even really? How much of me is my past anyway?

And what if I can't ever move past this? What if I'm so damaged that I can't ever conduct myself normally in a relationship or be a mother or what have you? I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I'm just bumbling through hoping I don't fuck myself over yet again and again.

What if I just go the other way and end up this pathetic doormat to life? Afraid to ask for or take what I want because that would be too narcissistic right?  I'm afraid of not finding that balance. Of not knowing the difference between what's important to stand firm on and what I should just let go.

In short? I'm just damned afraid. And I'm damned afraid that I don't have the skills to be the person I want to be or even think I'm capable of being or deserve to be.

In my professional life? I can kick ass. I'm confident and brilliant and can take whatever is thrown at me with gusto.

In my personal life? I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. Ever really. Winging it. Constantly.

But I don't know how else to be. Don't know who else to be.



But at the end of the day, these are just fears and I know that. It doesn't make them any less scary, though. Nevertheless, I'm nothing if not stubborn as all fuck. Lots of people have given up on me, so I figure someone should stick around. Might as well be me.

10 comments mean you love me:

Nush said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Fears are scary shit but the even scarier thing is being ruled by them. Or what is it they say... the greatest fear is that of fear itself.

The simple fact that you know what you do not want to be/become and that you are aware of the risks involved - that alone will ensure that you will not become that person that you fear.

Winging it in life - ahh we all do it. Some just pretend they have it all down.

finallyMom@blogspot.com said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

wow can i relate so much to this post. i don't know you're whole story or your mother's story, but i do know that i felt much the same as you- and for a VERY VERY long time. i resented my mother and had no respect for her growing up. i carried this inside me for such a long time, but, at the same time, i vowed that i would NOT be like her (i used to NOT want children b/c i was afraid of doing to them what was done to me). i just would not be like her. a switch went off and it dawned on me that i really am the maker of my own destiny and that i needed to partake in life instead of just sitting on the sidelines. i could go on and on but my point is that today, my mom and i get along OK. i still remember and won't EVER forget, but i've chosen to move on and do better. for me, for my daughter. you can, too; i really believe this.

jenbugblogs said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have no doubt that you will overcome these fears and become the person you want to be! You're a strong person. You have already done things that are outside of your comfort zone. You will continue to doubt yourself and get scared, but if you always stay true to yourself, you will be just fine.

MrsJenB said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are extremely brave and strong to share something like this with the world-at-large.

My honest contribution is that we're all just trying to find our way, day by day, not knowing what to do. I think everyone just hopes to not mess it up too badly.

I know you're doing the best you can and that you're going to come out at the end just fine.

Yvonne said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think we all have our own set of fears. The trick is to not let those fears hinder us from being or becoming the person we want to be.

Mei said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm terrified of becoming like my parents to the point that I refuse to have kids...

Satan said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i'm sure your mother's craziness won't infect you.
it has, however, affected you, like any upbringing does. but have some faith in yourself, even if you are just winging it. ^_^

C said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'll stick around =)

Sylvia said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh my gosh, I just want to hug you!

Jackie T said...Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just recently realized how common this is. I've felt this way for sooo long: there's something *intrinsically* wrong/fucked up about me. It's the reason people can't love me/I can't become a doctor/I can't be financially stable, as well as emotionally or mentally stable, etc etc etc.
My boyfriend (scarily enough) sent this to me. I don't even really understand why, but it triggered something good in me, to be a little kinder to myself. Hope it does the same to you :)
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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